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As I sit in this dimly-lighted room, with the curtains partially shut, my eyes hover towards an old shoe box carelessly placed on the desk under a mound of papers. Curious, I open the lid and look inside. In it, is a photograph. Twenty smiles look back at me. There stand twenty young men with their arms folded loosely across their chests, and half pulled-up socks streaked with mud and grass stains. It takes me a couple of seconds to realize that I too am in that photograph. In the center of the front row, with a leather ball under one arm, I stand. My hair is untidy, and my uniform unkempt. I am smiling a proud smile, unaware of the fate that lies ahead. I seem so familiar, yet at the same time, I struggle to recognize myself.

Putting the photograph to one side, I focus my eyes back to the computer monitor. I cannot concentrate, and instead pick up the photograph once more. As I scan the smiling faces in front of me, my mind begins to wander. I squint to see the date in the right-hand corner: 26/10/07, just over one year ago. I am bombarded by a flood of memories, feelings, heartache, and pain. Just ten days after that photograph was taken, my life was forever changed. Little did I know, that that was the last badly-taken team photograph that I would ever pose in.

The moment the car started flipping, I thought I was going to die. I don't remember much at all about the actual accident in the few seconds that I blacked out, but I can remember the song that was playing on the radio. Co-incidentally, it was the 'our song' in my relationship with my girlfriend.

When I think back on past year, I experience so many mixed emotions. I feel anger, sadness, depression, pain, but ironically in a way, I also feel happiness, a sense of accomplishment, and I am forever thankful. I look back, and I think 'Wow. How did I ever manage to survive watching the same twenty movies over and over for months?' or 'Damn. Thank goodness there were a few pretty nurses, or I think I would have lost it,' and 'Man. I remember the first time they wanted me to get out of bed and into a wheelchair, I thought that it was seriously April Fools,' and I smile sadly, because I remember the doctor's comical expression when I asked him how my sex life would be affected, 'I can still you know, um, have sex, right?'

I look back on on the surgeries, and procedures. It seemed that after recovering from one, I'd have another; an endless string of scars. I honestly wonder how I managed to get through them all without going completely insane.  I had a support system, yes, but I wouldn't say that my family was completely supportive of me, they were more shocked than anything.

I also remember getting a text saying that my now ex-girlfriend was pregnant, and thinking 'What?! There must be some mistake,' I vowed to find out who 'knocked her up', and to kick his ass as best I could, and then I found out that it was in fact, my 'best' friend. I cannot explain what a punch to the stomach that was; not only had she left me in the time I needed her most, but she was pregnant with my best friend's baby. Talk about betrayal...

And then I remember some of the good times, although outnumbered by the bad, over the past year. I remember being so excited when I popped my first wheelie, and screaming for one of the therapists to come running. She frantically burst into the room, thinking something was wrong. I laughed, and said that I had just 'popped a wheelie', and she scolded me for almost giving her a heart attack. I remember feeling such a great sense of pride that day, and thinking how different I would have felt a few months before. I probably would have scoffed and laughed, but it was such a huge accomplishment for me.

Every day, though I wake up and wonder if my wish of walking again has come true, I still feel that sense of accomplishment. Learning to get myself ready independently in less than two hours is something I have recently mastered, and that means so much to me. I have learned to value all the things that I took for granted before, and every day, aim to accomplish my goals, though they may seem minuscule. Just getting through the day, for me, is like winning a grand final.

So, although the last year has without doubt, been the most difficult year I have ever experienced, I can also say that it has also been the most eye-opening. I have discovered a strength within myself, stronger than anything I have ever known. I have found the true meaning of strength, of accomplishment, of appreciation. Through all the pain, and the heartache, and the memories, I have found a new appreciation for life, and although I am still struggling in coming to terms with the new me, I have learned that my paralysis does not define me by any means, but rather, is just a small part of who I am as a person.

I study the photograph one last time before putting it back in the shoe box. I realize that that cheesy grin, and those freckled arms, and everything else that defines me as a person are still there. I am still Jay, and although closer to the ground, Jay is still me.

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So yeah. As I said, I find writing a good way to get my feelings out, so those are just some ramblings.

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Daisy chains, Christmas plays, winter nights and summer days
Fireworks and starry skies, sunset and moonrise.
So much more to see and do, and hopefully it's all with you. ♥
seemenow1990 is worth her weight in gold.

I didn't know you could write like that!

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ouch it wont reach my mouth
if i could do it myself i'd probably never leave the house
but i can't so here's where you come in
givin' it different strokes just like Arnold Drummond

Perhaps you'd write a book one day about everything happening?

I once read a book called The Burn Journals.

Wow....amazing book. One of my favorite reads. Im sure you could write a book like that also.

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:D 3