She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."

Once again, he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the clubhouse, where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"


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number one manchester united fan
bex

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."


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number one manchester united fan
bex

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove 3 hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"


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number one manchester united fan
bex

Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

So, the man in the boat drove off.

The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in.

Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

The person in the boat then left.

The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.

Jim said, "That's okay."

The woman said, "Are you sure?"

Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me."

Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God.

Jim said to God, "You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?"

God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

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number one manchester united fan
bex

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married for thirty years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heartbroken. After 8 months, he eventually started dating girls again. A year later, he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

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number one manchester united fan
bex

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles," the doctor says.

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need-a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?"

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," the salesman said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and sixteen and a half neck?"

Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?" he asked.

"It's my job," the salesman said again.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure,"

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, size nine and a half

Joe was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," the salesman repeated.

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see, seven and five-eighths."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" Joe asked.

"It's my job," the salesman laughed.

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size thirty-six?"

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size thirty-four since I was eighteen-years-old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."


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number one manchester united fan
bex

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "And I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.

"Never better," John said.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time," John said.

"How'd you manage that?" the manager asked.

"He was already in bed, snoring away when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."


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number one manchester united fan
bex

Rather than taking the final, they found their professor after it was over and explained why they missed the final. They told him that they went to the University of Tennessee for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but had a flat tire on the way back. Since they didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time, they were late in getting back to campus. The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day. They were elated and relieved.

The next day, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

The first problem, worth five points, was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.

"Cool," they both thought. "This is going to be easy."

The next problem was worth 95 points. It said, "Which tire?"


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number one manchester united fan
bex

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."

What?" his father replied.

"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"

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number one manchester united fan
bex

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "Twenty-four years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asks.

The guy says, "Yeah, seven times, but you said I was forgiven."

Peter says, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy says, "I was married for forty-one years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out well."

Peter says, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walks up and says, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for sixty-three years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter says, "That's what I like to hear. Here's you Jaguar!"

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto see the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they go see what was the matter. When they ask the guy with the Jaguar what is wrong, he says, "I've just seen my wife and she was on a skateboard!"


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number one manchester united fan
bex

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."

The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence."

Little Johnny continued, "But her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."


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number one manchester united fan
bex

Meanwhile, his buddy shot a deer. While dragging it back to his rig, he noticed his buddy asleep on the log. As a prank, he gutted the deer and placed the pile of guts under his friend's ass. After returning to the truck, he, too, was tired and took a nap.

A couple hours later, he awoke to see Joe trundling across the field. "What the hell's wrong with you Joe? Looks like you seen a ghost!"

"Well, I hung my ass over a log to take a dump and while I was a sleep I must have shit my guts out. If it wasn't for the grace of God and a greasy stick, I would never have gotten 'em back in."


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number one manchester united fan
bex

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.

The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scottish man, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run man, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scottish, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scottish man's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run -- he got four balls."

The Scottish man stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man... walk with pride!"


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number one manchester united fan
bex

The first guy walked into the director's office and sat down. The director reached in his desk and pulled out a pistol. Laying it on the desk in front of the guy, he told him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and to the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head."

The guy looked at him and said, "No way."

The director said, "You fail."

The next guy came in. The director told him the same thing. The second guy picked up the gun and headed for the room. He came back about 15 minutes later and told the director that he just couldn't go through with it.

The director said, "You fail."

The third guy came in. The director told him the same thing. The third guy headed up to the room. The director heard 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus-glass breaking, furniture getting smashed, things falling. The guy came back in beat up and his clothes tore up. The director said, "What happened to you?"

The guy replied, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun, so I had to choke her to death."


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number one manchester united fan
bex