When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion that was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite, and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed" and "aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next, they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day. Each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is heaven, you play for free," Peter replied.

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch of various cuisines laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven. It's free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven," Peter explained.

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

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number one manchester united fan
bex

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."


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number one manchester united fan
bex

The friend says, "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, and I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth. Can I see her mouf?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth.

"Nith mouf, can I see her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?"

Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.

"Okay, finally, I would like to see her twat."

With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget, and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his wet head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run."


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number one manchester united fan
bex

She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me -- I need to speak to him." She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."


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number one manchester united fan
bex

Scroll down.

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The birth control pill.


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number one manchester united fan
bex

Time Limit: 3 Weeks

1. Foreign Language:

What language is spoken in France?

2. History:

Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Literature:

Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army
(d) WRITE A PLAY

4. Religion:

What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (circle only one)

5. Metric Conversion:

How many feet equal 0.0 meters?

6. Physics:

What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. Religion:

How many commandments were Moses given? (approximately)

8. Geography:

What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9. American History:

Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton

10. European History:

Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Natural Science:

Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

12. Advanced Physics:

Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13. Philosophy:

What are coat hangers used for?

14. Political Science:

The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Physics:

Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Architecture:

Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Agricultural Science:

Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math:

If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19. Communications:

What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

20. The University of Washington tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?

(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

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number one manchester united fan
bex

He thought, "This is the cutest thing I've ever seen. I've got to stop and talk to this little boy."

The man got out of his car and said, "Son, that sure is a nice fire engine you've got there, but don't you think he would pull a little better if you had that rope tied around his neck instead of his balls?"

The little boy looked at him and said, "Well, I guess he'd pull a little better, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"


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number one manchester united fan
bex

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man," the priest said.

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does," the man said.


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number one manchester united fan
bex

Trying not to stare at the huge mule nuts, they asked the little Mexican man, "Excuse us, but could you tell us what time it is?"

The little Mexican man reached his hand under the enormous set of mule nuts and, lifting them high, said, "It's 3 o'clock."

Amazed by this, the American couple went off to find their friends and tell them the amazing story. "This little Mexican man over there can tell time by lifting his mule's balls!"

Curious and amazed, the friends wanted to see this first-hand, so they went back and asked the little Mexican man what time it was.

Sure enough, the little Mexican man reached out again, cupped his hands under the mule's nuts, lifted them up as if to weigh them, and said, "It is 3:15."

The friends checked the time on their watches, and sure enough, the little man was correct.

Blown away by this, the American couple finally asked, "It is just amazing...how do you do that?"

"Do what?" the Mexican asked.

"Tell the time by lifting your mule's balls!"

"Ah...." said the Mexican. "I just need to lift his balls so I can see that big clock across the street."

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number one manchester united fan
bex

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."

The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"


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number one manchester united fan
bex

The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me
anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10-lb. test line. It's a good all-around rod and reel, and it costs $20."

She says, "That's amazing! You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for -- I'll take it."

As the blind man begins to ring up the sale, the woman loudly passes gas. At first, she's embarrassed but realizes that there's no way he could tell it was her because he's blind and wouldn't know she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She replies, "I thought you said it was only $20?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, $20 for the rod and reel, but the duck call is $3, and the stink bait is $2.50."


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number one manchester united fan
bex

Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbors' 10-year-old daughter's rabbit. For years I had watched her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. When I finished grooming it, I jumped over the fence and placed it back in its cage, hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes."

I went back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour, the neighbor's Volvo pulled in the driveway and
out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed, "Daddy!"

Her father, panic-stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being he good neighbor that I am, I rushed to the fence and asked if there was anything I could do.

Her father, less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit that she just buried and put it back in its cage?"


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number one manchester united fan
bex

"Get away from me, you crazy old man," she replies.

"I want to feel your breasts. I will give you $20," he says.

"Twenty dollars? Are you nuts?! Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts. I will give you $100," he states.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS," he offers.

She pauses to think about it but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claims.

She thought, Well, he's old and he seems harmless enough...and $500 is a lot of money...

"Well, okay. But only for a minute."

She loosens her bikini top, and while both are standing on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel.

Then he starts saying, "Oh, my God... Oh, my God... OH MY GOD...

Out of curiosity, she asks," Why do you keep saying, Oh my god?"

Continuing to feel her breasts, he answers, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get $500?"


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number one manchester united fan
bex

Well, Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband. He just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!

The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice..."

Bubba laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!"

The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself! Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped his penis out and banged it on the bedpost three times.

He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when his wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and says, "Bubba, is that you?"


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number one manchester united fan
bex