Things are fucking up big time. I have turned into a self-involved, anti-social pain in the ass. I feel like nobody wants to be around me and I don't want to be around myself. I honestly can think of nothing lovelier than to curl up and die right now but I can't do that because it will affect the beautiful, important people in my life like my boyfriend who is probably reading this and my best friend who is dying of god knows what disease and will be dead by the time she's 19 years old. And I feel like a dick because I'm complaining and  she's not and she has full right to complain because she is going through one of the most heartbreaking things you can imagine.

I am constantly paranoid which is just really annoying if I'm going to be frank. I tell myself everyone hates me and I wind myself up until I'm just too pissy to be around. And, being paranoid that nobody wants to be around me, I am spending my weekends curled up in bed with a pretentious book that I should stop trying to read because it will never change the fact that I am plain stupid. You have to be stupid to do what I do which is the following:

1) Get close to somebody I shouldn't get close to
EG i- a sex-mad 17 year old version of Dr Cox from Scrubs who would never love me and cheat on me and is the ex of a very close friend of mine or
   ii- an 18 year old who resembles JD in his character that I know is moving away to university in a few months time.
2) I fall madly in love with them and start this whole long thing I know is going to hurt terribly when I
3) Push them away with my insane paranoia and (probably justified) insecurites.

So it's all my fault, the shit that happens to me, the ex boyfriend who broke my heart, the throwing up at 4am, the ugly scars on my left arm, all the things I hate, I cause by me hating myself.

And I only hated myself because I wanted to be perfect for the one person I seem to be "driving away" as he so lightly put it. It's just, I want to be skinnier and prettier and I want nicer skin and longer, lighter hair and I want to be good at numbers and I want to be driven but I seem doomed to sit there writing angsty prose aimed at teenagers that will never get anywhere and nobody understands because I am shit and at the end of the day I don't want to be a writer and I can't do anything else except hair and makeup and sex so I wonder if I should just become a whore because then I get to live a life that will be slightly higher than average and not one where I scrape baked beans out of a can for dinner because I am a hairdresser at a shitty salon because I'm not good enough for anyone good to ever hire me.

And then I think, no. I don't deserve a higher than average life. And here's me doing it all again, pissing everyone off, ruining my own life. WHY. I am so fucking shit.

And then there's the lack of sleep. I cannot actually sleep without my boyfriend hogging the bed and snoring every few hours as I feel his boner from his dream poke my back. It sounds shit but honestly, it's the loveliest thing in the world. And he, my friends, has fucked off to university where he is probably shagging a fuckload of girls and if I ask him he gets pissed off but I only think he will because the only guy I ever loved did that and that's not his fault, it's entirely mine for not being pretty or easy enough or whatever.

I ruin my life all the time and it is driving me insane.

There are two things which I think are preventing you from trusting your current boyfriend (or even men in general). Firstly, your ex (the one you've only ever loved). If he cheated on you, this guy you really loved, then of course it's going to affect your next relationship, if you've not allowed yourself to get over it and understand that it's not YOUR fault but his for caving to the temptation of someone else. From this stems the next problem - your own insecurities and fears. Combine that with what you already feel about yourself (that you're not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, etc.) and it is going to have some sort of impact on your current relationship and all relationships you have. Until you sort it out.

I know what you're asking. How on earth do you sort it out? I don't know. If people had all the answers to that then the world would be a much happier place. I think you need to identify the areas you need help in. To me, it definitely sounds like you need to build back up your confidence and self esteem. Why are you a hateful person who deserves to be hurt. Think about that and answer yourself honestly. Now think about your answer - does it even make sense? You're just a person, making your way in life like the rest of us. And I know you've not done anything that would render you a hateful person. If you learn to love and accept yourself for who you are then this will help in other areas of your life. You are who you are - why in the world should you need to change for someone else? Your personality, your looks, your abilities... all that stuff is who you are and the sooner you start accepting it and stop fighting it the sooner life will seem a little easier! I don't understand fully why you hate yourself. You mentioned it's because you're trying to be perfect for that one person. But if you're pushing him away by making all these changes, doesn't that tell you that he likes and loves you for who you are? Not this person who's striving to be someone else. I mean, there's nothing wrong with wanting to change a few things here and there that you're unhappy with. We all do it and, in the long term, it usually makes us more satisfied. But when it becomes some sort of addiction, when we begin trying to change our entire selves, well, that's when it becomes a problem. Don't you think? Something you're experiencing now. No one is perfect, lovely, but those who are happier are those who have accepted that.

None of this is easy. I won't pretend it is because we both know what it's really like. But nothing is going to change unless you start making the changes. Positive changes, to your own thinking and the way you live your life. You can tell yourself that you don't deserve a better than average life, that you should just a be a whore because you're not good at anything else and all that stuff. Keep telling yourself that, and keep feeling like this. You're pushing yourself further and further down with this negativity. I don't know if you know what it is you want to do with your life (and it's ok if you don't!) but whatever it is, whatever the dream eventually is, don't give it up just because you don't think you're not good enough. That kind of thinking is what's gotten you into this mess and the only way to change it is to start believing otherwise.

I don't have all the answers about how to start accepting yourself for you are. I think that's essentially what you need to do, and all I can suggest is that you stop fighting life. Stop fighting yourself and just let yourself be. You'll get along much better in life that way.

-------
i think you're the same as me, we see things they'll never see