Well, something did happen. I heard from my cousin over msn just now.

And i really don't care.

All I feel is a kind of an anxious dread that I won't act right and people will get angry at my heartlessness and things will escalate to hysterical chaos if I don't act right.

My dad had a stroke. He's in hospital and I don't know how his condition is. It feels kind of unreal. But I'd be surprised if caring about him comes to me later. I did think about him today though, and my mind cringed in dislike.

This is so dysfunctional i dunno what I should do.

so i know how you feel.

maybe you'll feel something though for him?

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"If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there,
what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?"-Confucius

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My mom passed away this August. I'd wondered how I'd react, And now I know. I used to think she was awfully controlling, and we faught a lot. And then one day, She was diagnosed with Cancer, 5 months later she's gone. If he survives, Try to appreciate him to the best of your ability even if you dislike him. You only have one you know.

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Yeah, trying to appreciate him is like stale bread long past overdue.

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Quote: from melodramatic at 4:08 pm on Oct. 20, 2008

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My mom passed away this August. I'd wondered how I'd react, And now I know. I used to think she was awfully controlling, and we faught a lot. And then one day, She was diagnosed with Cancer, 5 months later she's gone. If he survives, Try to appreciate him to the best of your ability even if you dislike him. You only have one you know.

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Yeah, trying to appreciate him is like stale bread long past overdue.

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Why?

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"Un croquis vaut mieux qu'un long discours."

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Go see him.

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I'm actually glad im in a diff country, so that i might be able to not go and see him (though if it's serious, i "should" go back anyway).

If i had mentioned abuse in the original post, you guys might say things differently. But the thing is, irl the abuse doesn't exist and i dont' know if i can act normal and act like i care. It's so wrong to act about that anyway, isn't it?

Yeah, i'm sort of going "me me me!" right now, in this thread. But i just can't find it in me to care for him, at all.

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Quote: from tell me again at 4:10 pm on Oct. 20, 2008

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Quote: from melodramatic at 4:08 pm on Oct. 20, 2008

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My mom passed away this August. I'd wondered how I'd react, And now I know. I used to think she was awfully controlling, and we faught a lot. And then one day, She was diagnosed with Cancer, 5 months later she's gone. If he survives, Try to appreciate him to the best of your ability even if you dislike him. You only have one you know.

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 Yeah, trying to appreciate him is like stale bread long past overdue.

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Why?

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I just dont know if i can appreciate him without it being some denial of the truth. The truth being how much he messed me up.  

I mean, caring for him somewhat, somehow, just because he's my dad sounds pretty normal and human and kind of nice/comforting, but I'm afraid it just is not true.

Edit: Oh and I said it's long past overdue because I tried to make excuses and appreciate him on some level but I can't. If he dies, maybe I'd say something different. But honestly? I don't think so.

And I don't like how if this was a post about what he's done to me, I'd get replies/PMs/advice about murdering him and/or reporting him

Post edited at 4:30 pm on Oct. 20, 2008 by tell me again

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Quote: from melodramatic at 4:13 pm on Oct. 20, 2008

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Quote: from tell me again at 4:10 pm on Oct. 20, 2008

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Quote: from melodramatic at 4:08 pm on Oct. 20, 2008

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My mom passed away this August. I'd wondered how I'd react, And now I know. I used to think she was awfully controlling, and we faught a lot. And then one day, She was diagnosed with Cancer, 5 months later she's gone. If he survives, Try to appreciate him to the best of your ability even if you dislike him. You only have one you know.

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  Yeah, trying to appreciate him is like stale bread long past overdue.

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 Why?

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I just dont know if i can appreciate him without it being some denial of the truth. The truth being how much he messed me up.  

I mean, caring for him somewhat, somehow, just because he's my dad sounds pretty normal and human and kind of nice/comforting, but I'm afraid it just is not true.

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But a gutsy attempt, Is that something that you can do for yourself?

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"Un croquis vaut mieux qu'un long discours."

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Quote: from tell me again at 4:27 pm on Oct. 20, 2008

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Quote: from melodramatic at 4:13 pm on Oct. 20, 2008

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Quote: from tell me again at 4:10 pm on Oct. 20, 2008

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Quote: from melodramatic at 4:08 pm on Oct. 20, 2008

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My mom passed away this August. I'd wondered how I'd react, And now I know. I used to think she was awfully controlling, and we faught a lot. And then one day, She was diagnosed with Cancer, 5 months later she's gone. If he survives, Try to appreciate him to the best of your ability even if you dislike him. You only have one you know.

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   Yeah, trying to appreciate him is like stale bread long past overdue.

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  Why?

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 I just dont know if i can appreciate him without it being some denial of the truth. The truth being how much he messed me up.  

 I mean, caring for him somewhat, somehow, just because he's my dad sounds pretty normal and human and kind of nice/comforting, but I'm afraid it just is not true.

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Sometimes Parents flaw us so much we don't want to go back to them. I know what you are talking about, And I know it is going to be insanely hard if not impossible to try to make peace.

But a gutsy attempt, Is that something that you can do for yourself?

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Sorry, I edited and added stuff in the previous post after you quoted.

Sure, I can make "a gutsy attempt", but how does that mean anything other than a lie? I mean, your case may be different and I appreciate that you're trying to give me advice about this. But if a stroke is what warrants an attempt, then why attempt at all? I attempted already, and failed, what's any different? It seems to me like the answer is "nothing, other than the fact that his situation now is an unfortunate one".