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  LiveWire / Teen Forums / Short Stories & Poetry / Viewing Topic

Okay, I might as well.
Replies: 29Last Post Sep. 14, 2008 1:06pm by Erin15
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( Anonymous )

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I wrote this sex scene introduction and I need some opinions. I tried to make it as realistic as possible.

------------------------------------------

"Thanks for minding the kids, Zerana," said Benatrisha, "I realise it's a schoolnight and everything. Skyler is on his cellphone outside. He'll pay you and drive you home. I'm heading to bed".

"Goodnight, Mrs Lavertola!"

Skyler came inside.  

"Thanks a bunch, Zerana. Here's a fifty"

"Oh, that won't do at all" she smirked, pulling a baseball bat out from behind her back.

"What the f-?" exclaimed Skyler before Zerana knocked him out with the bat.  

Zerana's boyfriends came out from behind the curtain.

"Let's do this thing!" one of them said, pulling KY out of his pocket. Zerana, Malfasa, Triston and Derkola began stripping Skyler.

----------------------------------------------

So that's the lead-up to the sex. What do you think so far?

Post edited at 7:34 am on Sep. 14, 2008 by Anonymous


7:29 am on Sep. 14, 2008
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mikeyp123


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This sounds a little bit rapey.

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tick makes me tock.

7:30 am on Sep. 14, 2008 | Joined: Dec. 2006 | Days Active: 648
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kay dee


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What...
The...
Fuck....


And who the HELL would name children these names?

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7:31 am on Sep. 14, 2008 | Joined: July 2008 | Days Active: 266
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AlexxRawrr


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what the hell is with the weird names!

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http://alexxfarnell.blogspot.com ;)

7:31 am on Sep. 14, 2008 | Joined: July 2008 | Days Active: 156
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ReesesLuverx3


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um.... freaaakky freakkky.. sounds like some creepy soap opera

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Happiness is the result of accepting what is.

7:32 am on Sep. 14, 2008 | Joined: Sep. 2006 | Days Active: 410
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hotsaucii princess


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umm its alrght ina werd kinda raping way

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7:32 am on Sep. 14, 2008 | Joined: July 2008 | Days Active: 167
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SpM


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Firstly, you have got to stop with the names. Benatrisha?

Secondly, it doesn't make any sense on its own. Who the fuck is Tom?


7:32 am on Sep. 14, 2008 | Joined: Feb. 2007 | Days Active: 653
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Mattie17


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those names must be fake

7:32 am on Sep. 14, 2008 | Joined: June 2008 | Days Active: 135
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( Anonymous )

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Quote: from SpM at 7:32 am on Sep. 14, 2008

Firstly, you have got to stop with the names. Benatrisha?

Secondly, it doesn't make any sense on its own. Who the fuck is Tom?


Oh sorry. The husband's name was orginally Tom but I changed it to Skyler. I guess I didn't edit all the 'Tom's


7:33 am on Sep. 14, 2008
ReesesLuverx3


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Quote: from Anonymous at 10:33 am on Sep. 14, 2008

Quote: from SpM at 7:32 am on Sep. 14, 2008

Firstly, you have got to stop with the names. Benatrisha?  

 Secondly, it doesn't make any sense on its own. Who the fuck is Tom?


Oh sorry. The husband's name was orginally Tom but I changed it to Skyler. I guess I didn't edit all the 'Tom's


When i heard skyler i thought it was a kid not the husband...

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Happiness is the result of accepting what is.


7:35 am on Sep. 14, 2008 | Joined: Sep. 2006 | Days Active: 410
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guitar lover


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ummm... OO have you heard of quizzila or sumin idk how to spell it lots of good stories there check it out

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i'm opinionated get use to it!
if you need me pm and i will reply!

7:36 am on Sep. 14, 2008 | Joined: Jan. 2006 | Days Active: 94
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SpM


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Quote: from Anonymous at 3:33 pm on Sep. 14, 2008

Oh sorry. The husband's name was orginally Tom but I changed it to Skyler. I guess I didn't edit all the 'Tom's

Well change it back to Tom. Skyler is a stupid name. As is Zerana, Malfasa, Triston, Derkola and, of course, Benatrisha.

Also, how does a teenage girl knock down a grown man without a fight?


7:36 am on Sep. 14, 2008 | Joined: Feb. 2007 | Days Active: 653
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( Anonymous )

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Quote: from SpM at 7:36 am on Sep. 14, 2008

Quote: from Anonymous at 3:33 pm on Sep. 14, 2008

Oh sorry. The husband's name was orginally Tom but I changed it to Skyler. I guess I didn't edit all the 'Tom's

Well change it back to Tom. Skyler is a stupid name. As is Zerana, Malfasa, Triston, Derkola and, of course, Benatrisha.

Also, how does a teenage girl knock down a grown man without a fight?


She's actually 647 years old and is stronger than any grown man.


7:37 am on Sep. 14, 2008
K r e s c e n d o


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Seriously... O____O

7:38 am on Sep. 14, 2008 | Joined: July 2008 | Days Active: 284
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SpM


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Quote: from Anonymous at 3:37 pm on Sep. 14, 2008

She's actually 647 years old and is stronger than any grown man.

Firstly, why is the fact that it's a schoolnight relevant?

Secondly, please tell me she isn't a vampire.


7:38 am on Sep. 14, 2008 | Joined: Feb. 2007 | Days Active: 653
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