What gives the determination? Sorrow. At least for me. A sorrow so deep, that it takes the innermost happy thought. Every happy memory of being safe/content/warm/loved in that special someone's arms..Christmas with family..Love. Peace..And, replaces it with agony, pain, grief/loss, and..Again..Sorrow so deep, it..Kills.

It's like this vicious cycle. You are up, then down, but the down keeps getting deeper, and more dangerous in so many ways. And, you life your life pretending that you're ok.Smiling on the outside, when inside you're crying, Pretending that you're not dying inside. Every. Single. Second. A phesad, because you know that noone understands.

A pain so deep that it reaches into your very core. It twists the life out of you, and makes you know. Just..What you really are..Nothing. Nothing. Noone could want you, noone could love you. The one person that did, left you alone. 'Always, and forever' meant nothing, even though they said it a hundred times. 'Always, and forever'..

It's an inner turmoil brought about by many inner, and outer circumstances. It's like you're in a bubble. A haze that seperates you from the rest of the world, and makes you so disoriented that you want to lay down on the ground, in a fetal position, close your eyes, and never wake up.

The pain gets so bad, the molehills turn into mountains right before your eyes. You know that you're strong enough to beat this, in what's left of your fragile heart, yet your soul is dying. The very core of you is..D-Y-I-N-G, and you're sitting there smiling, laughing, conversing as normally as possible, in a group, but then it starts to spread to even your closest friends, you cannot concentrate, you can't think clearly, because of this pain. Yet, you sit there, every day and STILL, even though it's killing you, you smile, you laugh, you pretend that you're great. And, all the while, YOU'RE SCREAMING INSIDE 'SOMEBODY PLEASE SAVE ME', at the top of your lungs, but noone hears you.

Noone ever hears.

You go on, and attempt to survive the night..Each night is harder and harder, and you pray for, yet are terrified of when it gets dark outside, because that's when the battle gets harder. You cry by yourself, alone. You hurt yourself on the outside, to try to kill the pain on the inside. You make yourself bleed, and watch the blood flow from your body, and it's an adrenaline rush, because oh lookie! Here's something that I can control. I have my life right in my hands. I can die, at any second, if I just snap my fingers.

And, then the next day, you wake up, feeling groggy, realize what you did, and think 'd***, maybe today will be better'. You get up on your feet, and you try AGAIN, to make something out of your life, all the while getting more desperate, as you realize that it's all the same s***, different day. Except the pain gets worse, and it numbs you with the most electrifying CLEARNESS, and somehow makes you feel it, even more, until your soul is 'raw', litterally.

The day starts anew, and the night..Oh the precious, devious, wonderful, decietful night comes again, bringing it's promises of release if you just 'do it this time'..

On, and on and on and on and f***ing on..

And, you know the worst part?

You know there's nothing that you can do to stop it.

You're stuck like this, unless you die.

Forever..