Adding Reply Archived Topic: It will not be bumped to the top of the forum. Topic WTF is wrong with me? Membername   Not a member? Sign Up Free (takes 20 seconds) Password   Forgotten your password? Post Font: Verdana Arial Black Georgia Comic Sans Impact   Size: Tiny Normal Big Huge   Color: Default Dark Red Red Orange Brown Green Olive Cyan Blue Dark Blue Indigo Black [ Check Spelling ] [ Post Preview ] [ LiveTags ] FAQ Keyword Search: Post Options Favorites Manager Notify me of new replies to this topic by email Notify me of new replies to this topic by private message Original Post Eric Draven Posted at 12:36 am on Sep. 29, 2008 I guess i don't really know what to say. My life, these past five years, has been a myriad of confusion, self-loathing....and pain. When I was in the eighth grade I began to have migraines--not migraines in the whole, oww, my head hurts. i'm going to pop some asprin and lie down for a while sense--It was more of a, holy shit, my fucking head feels as if it's about to be split in twain. It was a pain that striped you of your humanity, and made you become little better than a feral beast; clawing and screaming for the one thing that mattered anymore; escape. The pain was so unbearable, at one point the only way to escape would be to kill myself; And i will be honest. If i had had the ability to move during these episodes, i would have killed myself. Eventually, my parents would take me to the hospital where i would revieve shots of vistorol and nubain. The heaven, the sweet, sweet relief i felt from those drugs was ineffable. To go from nothing but mind-numbing pain and uncontrollable vomiting to pleasantly warm and content; It was paradise. After my first hospital stay, my parents knew something was seriously wrong, and i was sent to places like ku med, children's mercy, the mayos clinic, the cleveland clinic, and the headache and pain center. I spent years being passed around like a fucking joint between these doctors, and they all had the same answer for me; We don't know what's going on with you, but here are some pills we think might help. These pills, almost all anti-seizure medications, did nothing to help me, but all of which had unpleasant side-effects. One such drug named topomax, rightfully nicknamed dopamax, clouded my senses. There were times that i was not capable of coherent thought. I remember very little from my sophmore year. It also made me lose forty pounds, which i guess i welcomed, seeing as that I am what the health professionals call "Borderline obese." Throughout this time, i was seeing shrinks left and right. I was very rarely happy, i was confused all of the time, and there were times i just didn't want to move. I lied my ass off to them, and they all believed that i was just a happy guy who going through some rough times. My best thought as to why i lied to them was because i didn't want anyone to know how i was really feeling. Then, I met a girl. A wonderful, funny, fucked up, beautiful, caring girl. I loved her from the moment i first met her, but it wasn't until my best friend started to date her that i realized this. I remember that for some strange reason, i wanted to punch him square in the face, and i later realized that it was because he was dating her. They had a rough break up later on, and she called me. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday. She was an emotional wreck. She was sobbing the entire time, and kept asking me why he had broken up with her. When i heard her like that, i panicked, the only thing i wanted to do at that time was hang up the phone and forget it had ever happened. I talked to her briefly, and then made up an excuse and hung up. All she was looking for was a kind, reassuring word from her friend, and i was too much a coward to do it. When she needed me most i turned tail. I hate myself for my cowardice, and i know that i will never truly forgive myself for that. Soon after the breakup, she started going out with this complete duechebag. I mean this guy was the epitome of a bad boyfriend. He was stupid, a druggy, he was emotionally and physically abusive, and pretty much just an all around piece of shit. This happened during my sophmore year, so i don't really remember much of what happened, but i do remember seeing her come to school with tears in her eyes. I'd ask her if everything was all right (yes, i know stupid question) and she'd say yes, she was fine. I was so fucked up on those topomax, that i didn't realize that she was lying to me. If I had just realized what that bastard Mark was doing to her, i would have killed him. But i didn't know, and my drug-induced ignorance allowed her to suffer. I hate myself for that as well. I love her so much, i can't stand the knowledge that my intervention could have saved her so much pain. By the time i was taken off of the meds and had regained some semblence of my former self, it was too late. Mark had done his damage. She was alive, but she was emotionally scarred. I promised myself then that i would do whatever it took to keep her from suffering like that ever again. We became close friends, though i wasn't able to work up the nerve to ask her out for a very long time. One day i finally grew a pair, and i decided to ask her. She came over to my house and we started to talk about trivial things. Eventually, the conversation worked its way to Mark. She started to cry as she tearfully told me all of the horrible things that he had done to her. It made my blood boil, but i felt some satisfaction in being able to comfort her. We sat side by side at the bottom of the couch, but every part of me was screaming for me to pick her up and hold her, but i was too scared of how she might react. Then she said something that absolutely crushed me. She told me that she was still in love with my best friend. God, I had never felt pain like that before. Migraines are bad, but those words made me fee like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest cavity, put it into a food processor, hit puree, drank the pulverized heart and then shit it back into my empty chest. It's pain, despair, hopelessness, all mixed up into a bitter concoction of suffering. This news could not have come at a worse time. A couple of months before, my doctors had given me some narcotics to help me deal with my migraines, and i had just begun to notice all the lovely side effects it had to offer. When she told me about my friend, i decided to never let her know how much i really cared for her. It would only cause her pain to know that i loved her. So i never did tell her how i truly felt, and i drowned out my pain with lortabs and ambien, (A truly delightful but deadly mix if you ever have the chance to partake) and I spent the next month being wonderfully empty; devoid of any emotion other than a mellow sense of euphoria, and not knowing or caring about anything that troubled me. Do not blame me for turning to drugs. Everyone has pain, and everyone has to find a way to deal with it. My way is just considered taboo. The only problem was that when the drugs wore off, i would feel twice as miserable as before. My remedy for that? More drugs. Ignorance truly is bliss. Eventually i got to where i would miss weeks of school at a time because i had absolutely no willpower to do anything. I would not move, i could not sleep for thoughts of her kept me up, and i felt as if i were made of lead.  Meanwhile, the girl started dating my friend again. And again, he broke her heart. I had failed again. I had also run out of drugs. If you have never taken hard drugs, don't start. Withdrawal is a fucking bitch. Cold sweats, having the feeling that you are inches away from death, tremors, and an overwhelming feeling of loss and sadness will make you go insane. But i lived through it and was able to complete my schooling without any further incident. I felt like shit all the time, but i was able to function.The girl still doesn't know how i feel, and i am going to keep it that way. She met a nice guy and they are getting along just fine. I did okay over the summer, but now, I'm starting college. I feel confused as to what i'm doing here. I have no willpower to do anything; it's as if nothing matters to me. My goals, my dreams, my life--its all inconsequential. I just don't give a fuck anymore. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate on my work, i can't eat, and i feel this impending sense of doom whenever i'm here. I sometimes wonder if i should just start back up on the lortabs and live the rest of my pathetic excuse for a life in synthetic bliss. It sure as hell sounds nice. The only problem is that it would hurt my family and it would hurt her, and i swore i would never do that again. So all i have to ask is: What the fuck is wrong with me? P.S. I'm trippin balls right now so i apologize for any spelling errors i might have had, or sentences or paragraphs that didn't make any sense. I normally write better than this.

Replies bigredron Posted at 1:31 am on Sep. 29, 2008 your a drug addict thats whats wrong. go seek help before you get into trouble Neodymie Posted at 12:46 am on Sep. 29, 2008 Quote: from senorita smirnoff at 12:40 am on Sep. 29, 2008 whats wrong with u?   u dont know how to use the enter key FUCK!   senorita smirnoff Posted at 12:40 am on Sep. 29, 2008 whats wrong with u? u dont know how to use the enter key FUCK! Bacon Posted at 12:39 am on Sep. 29, 2008 Paragraphs, paragraphs.. Paragraphs. Please GOD. Kristen exohh Posted at 12:38 am on Sep. 29, 2008 HAHAHAHAHA All 5 previous replies displayed.