I'm so tired of having to talk myself down from being mad/crying/etc., I just want to know what's wrong...why I can't just stop feeling like this.
Do you have the resources to go talk with a therapist? It seems like it would be best. Remember that therapy is completely normal. Many people go to others to talk to about their issues. I do it all the time, and I consider myself to be, for the most part, a completely stable individual.
Is that an avenue that you can take?
~Shaun
An ex of his named Katie told him to dump me without asking him why I was upset with him in the first place. If she had, she would have known to keep her fat face shut, everything was his fault. He'd fucked up and I finally stood up for myself but she didn't care. I still obsess over that. He mentioned her earlier and just the mere mention of her name enraged me. We're not talking at the moment because I thought it'd be best to avoid him rather than rip him apart over her again. I obsess over it. I can't even stop thinking about them still talking when, logically, I know that she's too much of a selfish bitch to bother with him until she wants something.
He told me that he loved another ex of his right after we started dating. To date, I still can't shake the feeling that he's still into her in some way even though this occurred almost a year ago. I still hate her with every fiber of my being.
Another ex of his was hitting on him after we started dating and I'm still pissed off over that. I still want to know what she said, what they talked about, if he flirted back, etc.
A few other girls came and went, too. And it hurts so bad...all I need do is think about it and I start crying. Fuck, I'm crying now and he hasn't even mentioned them. He wants me to forget but I obsess over how he let them hurt me, how he didn't stand up for me, he left me alone. And no matter what he says or does, I'm still suffering and I know I shouldn't logically still be hurting.
I think about all of the things he's said and done every day, just randomly, and start to tear up. I tear up in class, on the bus, walking to class, laying in bed at night, watching TV, etc. Music, movies, TV shows, books, etc. set me off.
Hell, I can't even watch the Harry Potter movies or read the books anymore because about two weeks before we broke up the first time (I was out of control, I was in even more pain then and had really bad panic attacks), he made a thread on a fansite about how he had/has "an obsession with Evanna Lynch" and even pretended he was single. He wrote things about her that he has never said about me and I've been through hell with and for him, I'm the only one that has stayed by him and I've been called an idiot for it and told to leave so many times and it feels like it doesn't matter.
I remember things he said months and months ago and I still doubt what he says now because of it. It's always this nagging feeling that he's lying to me, he's hiding something, something is wrong.
I don't trust much anymore. I don't even trust what's in front of me. I need my Profs to tell me to my face that I'm passing or what have you, I can't just look at my grades, I'm always afraid that I'm misinterpreting them somehow but I never ask because they don't understand that I just need confirmation. I still don't believe that I have an A in one of my classes, I think I do but the Prof didn't say I do so I think I have a C because I got a 77% on my midterm and it drives me nuts. I just want to ask him so badly but I know he'd say, "What does your grade come to online?" and that doesn't help, I need to hear it and it gets to my boyfriend that I obsess over it.
It bothers him that I obsess over my homework, too. I got my last Programming assignment in late which means I can only get an 80% at the highest but they're only worth 4 points anyways so he told me to relax and just go to bed but I ended up having a panic attack. I bawled for about an hour.
And over the past year, I've developed self-destructive habits to try and deal. I've pinched, hit, cut, and burned. It's the only thing that can make the pain slow down, at the very least, and because I feel like I'm so screwed up and things are so wrong, I just sort of hate myself.
I didn't/don't think I have OCD, I'm just...I want to know why I hold onto things so hard, why I find ways to doubt EVERYTHING and it's the only thing that came to mind. It's causing a lot of fights between my boyfriend and I and I just want it to end.
And yet, at the same time...I don't because I want to hang onto my anger because I don't WANT to forget what happened, I'm afraid that if I do forget, it'll happen again and catch me off guard.
This way, you don't have to run though it over again because you will have it checked already. This really helped me be confident in what I needed for the day.
As for the rest of it, I am obviously not qualified to diagnose you, but based off of what I've learned it seems that there is really only one factor that is really affecting you negatively, and that is the anxiety, and dwelling on things. It seems like the thing that will help you best is confidence. If you are turning off that furnace, then just really remember that moment and keep it in your head. That furnace is off! Say it out loud to yourself if need be.
There are tools you can use to combat this, and I don't think that a doctor would sit there and say you have a psychological disorder. Remember, the one thing you don't want to do is start at the conclusion and justify it. You want to look at your issues as objectively as possible and arrive at the conclusion that way. There are many other things that you could have wrong, or it could be part of a bigger problem.
Just remember, my inbox is always open, whoever you are. I'll keep it between us if you want someone to talk to.
Forbidden You don't have permission to access /cgi-bin/ocdtest1.pl on this server.
--------------------------------------- Apache/2.0.54 (Fedora) Server at www.ocfoundation.org Port 80
Heyy :) Sorry about all this! I am a psych major at college, and I will try to give you what little insight I can. Obsessive compulsive disorder consists of more than just anxiety. It involves what causes the anxiety itself, just as greatescape so kindly mentioned. Most people experience some form of obsessive or compulsive behavior. It becomes a disorder when one other key element comes into play. This element is interference with your day to day activities. If your thoughts are distracting enough that it is starting to effect your life negatively, such as if you can't pay attention in class causing falling grades, then it is necessary to seek therapy for these issues. Click for a self inventory The Florida Obsessive-Compulsive Inventory OCD Screening Test (FOCI) Try taking these inventories and seeing where this gets you, and if you would like to go ahead and private message me, then I will talk with you more about what is causing this anxiety and what we can do to try to cut those things out. I hope I helped out a bit. I am sure either me or greatescape11 will be happy to talk to you on a regular basis. Best of luck and I hope to here from you soon! I will be checking back on this topic. ~Shaun
Obsessive compulsive disorder consists of more than just anxiety. It involves what causes the anxiety itself, just as greatescape so kindly mentioned. Most people experience some form of obsessive or compulsive behavior. It becomes a disorder when one other key element comes into play. This element is interference with your day to day activities. If your thoughts are distracting enough that it is starting to effect your life negatively, such as if you can't pay attention in class causing falling grades, then it is necessary to seek therapy for these issues.
Click for a self inventory The Florida Obsessive-Compulsive Inventory OCD Screening Test (FOCI)
Try taking these inventories and seeing where this gets you, and if you would like to go ahead and private message me, then I will talk with you more about what is causing this anxiety and what we can do to try to cut those things out.
I hope I helped out a bit. I am sure either me or greatescape11 will be happy to talk to you on a regular basis.
Best of luck and I hope to here from you soon! I will be checking back on this topic.
Thanks, I appreciate the help. :)
I'll be sure to look those links over.