Adding Reply Archived Topic: It will not be bumped to the top of the forum. Topic please help.. english problem Membername   Not a member? Sign Up Free (takes 20 seconds) Password   Forgotten your password? Post Font: Verdana Arial Black Georgia Comic Sans Impact   Size: Tiny Normal Big Huge   Color: Default Dark Red Red Orange Brown Green Olive Cyan Blue Dark Blue Indigo Black [ Check Spelling ] [ Post Preview ] [ LiveTags ] FAQ Keyword Search: Post Options Favorites Manager Notify me of new replies to this topic by email Notify me of new replies to this topic by private message Original Post August Rush Posted at 1:54 pm on Dec. 14, 2008 I am writing a personal statement and I need to change how I am writing a particular sentence. Being born an identical twin raised, for me, issues of individuality; issues which lead me to question my perception of self and how I was perceived by others. As my brother and I developed through childhood I found that we were treated as the same person and although this was somewhat frustrating it always intrigued me to understand why people chose to overlook the fact that we were actually very different. Psychology, specifically the study of human behaviour, has given me the opportunity to examine this, and to further question the nature of individuality in the context of societal diversity across our culture. At sixteen, a break in mainstream education enabled me to focus my objectives and develop a greater understanding of the realities, and challenges I would face as an adult. Paid employment, through working with people, not only gave me the opportunity to build on my communication and interpersonal skills but also demanded punctuality, responsibility and team cohesion. Whilst being employed at an international business hotel I had developed such a highly sophisticated level of professionalism that I was given the opportunity to work directly with presidents and heads of state. Alongside paid employment I actively pursued volunteer work where I was able to closely work with disadvantaged young people and help to develop youth provisions in my area. I was elected a representative young person in my county and was responsible for giving a voice to youth in my constituency. I need to rewrite this.. I also have an older draft which says: Whilst being employed at an international business hotel, working directly with presidents and heads of state required personal responsibility and a sophisticated level of professionalism. please please help. If I choose your rewrite I will send you 100 points.

Replies blackbandaid Posted at 2:14 pm on Dec. 14, 2008 Quote: from August Rush at 11:05 am on Dec. 15, 2008 I've got this so far as a re-write.. what do you think? Whilst being employed at an international business hotel I was selected as part of an elite team of associates to work alongside presidents and heads of state; A position that demanded a notable level of personal responsibility and a strict sense of professionalism. Edit: I don't like my use of 'strict' Sounds really good to me. I kind of like the use of 'strict' August Rush Posted at 2:05 pm on Dec. 14, 2008 I've got this so far as a re-write.. what do you think? Whilst being employed at an international business hotel I was selected as part of an elite team of associates to work alongside presidents and heads of state; A position that demanded a notable level of personal responsibility and a strict sense of professionalism. Edit: I don't like my use of 'strict' blackbandaid Posted at 2:02 pm on Dec. 14, 2008 Quote: from August Rush at 10:59 am on Dec. 15, 2008 Quote: from blackbandaid at 9:58 pm on Dec. 14, 2008 During my employment at an international business hotel, my levels of proffesionalism developed to a high sophistication, allowing me to be given the opportunity to work directly with presidents and heads of state.    Probably not but still. Is this a job application? Uni application.. I need it to be perfect because i'm not going to get in on grades Argh that's frustrating. Hmm well I don't really know what else you could do from the other suggestions. Aren't there sites which have English teachers online? You could try that. DiscoTraxx Posted at 2:01 pm on Dec. 14, 2008 "Whilst being employed at an international business hotel I had developed such a highly sophisticated level of professionalism that I was given the opportunity to work directly with presidents and heads of state." You could rephrase this into: "While I was employed at an international business hotel, I had developed a highly sophisticated level of professionalism because I often worked with presidents and heads of state." I'm not sure exactly what you are trying to say, so my rewrite may be sort of off.  You just got a little wordy.  Try and keep it simplistic, over doing it with the words typically results in a very confusing statement. Lihiro Posted at 2:01 pm on Dec. 14, 2008 Quote: from August Rush at 1:59 pm on Dec. 14, 2008 Quote: from blackbandaid at 9:58 pm on Dec. 14, 2008 During my employment at an international business hotel, my levels of proffesionalism developed to a high sophistication, allowing me to be given the opportunity to work directly with presidents and heads of state.    Probably not but still. Is this a job application? Uni application.. I need it to be perfect because i'm not going to get in on grades I'm in exactly the same position! Where are you applying? Msg me if you want. xD August Rush Posted at 1:59 pm on Dec. 14, 2008 Quote: from blackbandaid at 9:58 pm on Dec. 14, 2008 During my employment at an international business hotel, my levels of proffesionalism developed to a high sophistication, allowing me to be given the opportunity to work directly with presidents and heads of state. Probably not but still. Is this a job application? Uni application.. I need it to be perfect because i'm not going to get in on grades blackbandaid Posted at 1:58 pm on Dec. 14, 2008 During my employment at an international business hotel, my levels of proffesionalism developed to a high sophistication, allowing me to be given the opportunity to work directly with presidents and heads of state. Probably not but still. Is this a job application? August Rush Posted at 1:58 pm on Dec. 14, 2008 Quote: from Lihiro at 9:55 pm on Dec. 14, 2008 Whilst being employed at an international business hotel, I worked directly with presidents and heads of state, which required personal responsibility and a sophisticated level of professionalism. You were tense-shifting. Edit: Perhaps keeping the "required" the same and adding a which in front would sound better. I know I didn't say this before but I want to make it clear to the admissions tutor that I was selected before others for this position because of my skills.. sunshineshower Posted at 1:55 pm on Dec. 14, 2008 Whilst employed at an international business hotel I developed a highly sophisticated level of professionalism. As a result of this I was given the opportunity to work directly with presidents and heads of state. Lihiro Posted at 1:55 pm on Dec. 14, 2008 Whilst being employed at an international business hotel, I worked directly with presidents and heads of state, which required personal responsibility and a sophisticated level of professionalism. You were tense-shifting. Edit: Perhaps keeping the "required" the same and adding a which in front would sound better. All 10 previous replies displayed.