It seems like forever since I've been feeling as though I'm stuck in this dark  lonely pit. I know I've been feeling this way since I was at least 16. It's difficult to explain the way I feel. No one can understand what it feels like to feel like this everyday and all day. I feel as though I have no life left in me. Sort of like just a moving body. I feel like a robot. But I'm not a robot because I don't feel like I can keep doing what I do everyday. My body aches more than usual. And I just feel dark. Everything around me irritates me. I have to fight the irritation at work more than anywhere else.

I have been been unusually cold towards my family for a very long time and I don't even know why. It seems like everyday I'm irritated by them. I don't see any good times. I think they've noticed but haven't said anything. And I just want them to know that this isn't me. Although I've been this way for so long they probably think it is me. I'm not this cold angry person you see. But It's what I've been for years. The worst part of this all is that I don't know why I'm so unhappy and unsatisfied.

I'm 20 years old and I'm becoming so sick of feeling this way. Sick of thinking that this will go away when I get what I want. I know it won't go away. I don't know how to make it go away. I've just been fighting it alone, for years. Almost everyday I think of razor blades and sharp objects. I think of jumping off tall structures. I think of leaving the earth. I remember that I have a family that needs me. And I love them very much. I would suffer for eternity if it meant I could prevent them from any harm.

I feel like hell all the time and I'm getting sick of fighting. I don't know what to do about it because this feeling never leaves. And It's the worst way to feel.