Most recently, my fiance and I were thrown out of our living place and had to live with my mother because we had no where to go. The time with her has been... tumultuous.
Right now, she wants my fiance to drop out of school so we can move out sooner. I told her already that we can't move until January, when we get our new money, but she "can't stand us." Or something. I don't know what her deal is.
Anyway, I'm tempted to tell her that I'm attempting to make money by selling all the old narcotic pills that I horde every time I am prescribed them, but she wouldn't approve of that. I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing makes her happy. I cook for her, I clean for her, the reason we're broke is because she's so demanding for everything. We buy all the groceries, we do everything we can for her, but she's just not happy. But we have no where else to go, except live in our car. Which I'm tempted to do.
Anyway, she just won't let up and I'm going crazy. I'm more depressed than I've been in months. I want to just... disappear. Just this week I've nearly cut myself so many times. I just want it to all end, but I can't do anything about it. I'm starting to seriously contemplate suicide.
Is there anyone else you can maybe stay with? =[ She sounds REALLY ungreatful, once you do/can move out she will probably wish you were back again.
Oh she always does. My relationship with my mother is nothing less than sick.
Scenario:
Her: You ungrateful bitch I do everything for you but no more! I wash my hands of you!
Me: Fine, I'm leaving, FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
(The next day)
Her: [take me back please I can change!]
Me: You hurt me, you know that?
Her: [manipulation manipulation hypnosis I love you, why do you hurt me, I'm your mother and I just lost my cool, here I'll help you (instert 6 hours of her metaphorically holding my head under water until I just FINE HAVE IT YOUR WAY)]
Me: I love you too mom. [self-destructive behavior]
Oh wow, I really am sorry that you're dealing with all that bullshit. Try talking to your mom, maybe try to figure out what the problem is and fix it?
The problem is that my mother doesn't like me. I'm not joking about this. I'm 19, I've been through therapy to try to deal with this, I've done a lot of soul searching. The only thing that I can think of is that I am just not what she wanted. It's hard for her because I'm her last child. Her "last chance." And I didn't cut it. I'm doing all the wrong things, according to her, and she doesn't like it. She knows she can't fix me to her standards, so instead she just constantly reminds me of all my shortcomings that she perceives.
If all else, do you have any friends you guys could move in with?
That's actually our plan for January, but they have to get ready and save up too. With the economy and everything, plus living in a small town, it's hard to find a place cheap, so we have to save up a substantial amount just to rent.
It wouldn't be advisable for you to pick up cutting again. I can see that it's hard, and you're trying to deal but maybe put all that frustration and such toward trying to find a job, place to live, or any solution?
I don't want to self-harm again. After 11 years, I finally made it 11 months. I really don't want to get a job because I'm finally making it in college, getting all As. The higher my GPA, the more scholarships and free money I'll get, but I can't do anything or apply for anything (I have a currently low GPA) until final grades are in and apply next semester.
Just keep on treckin through it... ]:
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