Im in a rut. I hate self diagnosing because I feel as though it's just being a "wanna be". I self diagnose myself in my mind but then my mind tells me "shut up jade you are fine..nothings wrong with you stop being a wanna be stop trying to make something seem wrong". Since a really big breaking point for me about 3 years ago when I was 15 something has seemed wrong. I was cutting from I was about 13 but it got REALLY bad at 15 because of a situation that happened to me. At that age (grade 10) everything changed. I became obsessed with my weight and eating, I cut more, I hated me, myself,my friends, my family...everyone. Everything. I still do. My personality completley changed. It was the worst year of my life. Names like "demonic, gothic, bulimic, anorexic, emo ect." were names thrown at me. But still in my mind I said that its all normal "stop trying to make something wrong with you...nothings wrong with you you are normal, everything you do is normal. STOP BEING A WANNABE". Its been this way ever since grade 10 at 15. The cutting stopped for a while but everytime I get upset its flares. I hate to say "eating disorder" because I dont feel I deserve to self diagnose myself but those thoughts have never went away. I smile and act happy and act like life is good....but I hate it. I've OD'd a few times and it never worked...I have so many scars and so many tears shed as memories of everything thats been happening. I hate myself, loathe is a good word for it. I loathe everything about me. Everyday I cry and I don't know why. When I cry my mind says "jade why are you crying you have nothing to cry for....stop crying for no reason everythings fine" but i cry anyway. I have kept this is so long...its so hard to talk...I hate expressing myself...I cant do it. Whats wrong with me? Im normal. This happens to everyone Im just over reacting.  

I wish I could talk to someone. But noone here. I don't think these thoughts will ever subside. Im going to hate myself everyday, cry everyday, cut everyday, keep myself closed down everyday and be miserable everyday and still not be able to tell anyone about it. Because I fear what people will say. I care so much about what people think. And i hate it. Well I hate everything. But I act like i don't and thats way that I have grown accustomed.  

This right now is so hard to type. I feel so vulnerable typing this and letting this go. I can't do it. I can't express myself. Its just wrong. I have done this so many times. Come so close to telling someone. To typing it out, writing it out...then I delete it, backspace. throw it away...or shut up and smile. I have no idea who I am, or why Im here. Everyday I wish I was dead, I even wish the people around me was dead. How can I fix this. How can I fix my mind. I can't. Im destined to feel this way about myself forever. If I last that long. Which I won't. I have no purpose so why am i here? why did my life get this way. Why do I think like this? Why?

I hate feeling pity for myself because I don't deserve it. And typing this out right now is only pity. Thats it. It has no purpose because I have no purpose. I feel like my heart is trying to throb out of my chest. I feel like breaking down and crying right now. But I look like Im happy, act like its okay. No one notices. No one cares. Who will care that I think this way. Do i have a problem. I refuse to believe i have a problem. I dont deserve to be labeled as having a problem,. I just deserve to hover around and stay thinking the way i do and live with this. Why am I even typing this. Why now. I dont know. I dont know anything. This is all a waste of time because I don't care. no one cares.  
Good.

Im too much of a pussy to even show my name. I cant let anyone know that I feel like this or think like this. Not even strangers from over the world. Not like anyone cares anyway to even read this. I hate pity. I hate pity for myself and from anyone else. But all this is is a pity party. Im so stupid for typing this. Sorry.