Then I look at my dad. I see myself acting the same way I see him act, around people. I mean it's cool with the guys but with the girl I feel like an idiot. I try and be smooth like I see other guys bieng, and If I can do it, I don't feel right, I feel like I'm bieng fake. And if I'm not bieng fake then I'm awkard and quiet and retarded. I can't stand it.

So I can't cross this line, to where I can freely be how I want to be around girls mainly. I don't understand it. It's like something is forcing me to be this way. It's like its inevitable. But I want something and it feels like I can't do it becuase I'm destined to be like my parents, and when I try to be different I feel like an idiot. So I shouldn't give up on it, my socializing mainly with girls. Because If I do, then I'll just be a quiet and awkward guy, and If I don't then I won't feel like I'm doing it right, because I will see my parents in what I'm doing. You know, the things I say and do will be like the things they say and do.

It's like you having no say so in what your appearance is. You have to look like them no matter what, you will resemble them. Basically you are another version of them. And it's not their fault, because they have had to deal with it too, so you can't blame them. I don't want to call it a curse, but it's the same idea.

Anyhow, I don't feel like i'll ever get past this line. I feel like I'll always be awkward and acting like an idiot around people. Saying stupid things, not saying the right things. That's me all the way. I can't stand it.