All this has made me go back to the way i've been for fucking 7 years of my life, in a sorta half-assed apathy, where everything i feel is like some sick numbed down version that i get from shoving all my feelings in a box in some fucking corner of my mind, where the only feeling i get is what leeks out.  I hate it, but it stops me from getting hurt.

All this is combined with the fact that i feel like i won't get into another relationship for god knows how long.  I have some people i'm talking to, but i can't help thinking "why the fuck could they like you?"  Like i said, i don't know why i even bother trying.  I feel like i'd only make their lives worse, and i can't let myself do that.  I wouldn't forgive myself.  

Why did she have to do this to me?  I don't think i can even be her friend anymore.  At least my apathy will help me that much.