Quoting Post Archived Topic: It will not be bumped to the top of the forum. Topic Because it's important, when you want to be perfect. Membername   Not a member? Sign Up Free (takes 20 seconds) Password   Forgotten your password? Post Font: Verdana Arial Black Georgia Comic Sans Impact   Size: Tiny Normal Big Huge   Color: Default Dark Red Red Orange Brown Green Olive Cyan Blue Dark Blue Indigo Black [ Check Spelling ] [ Post Preview ] [ LiveTags ] Quote: from Anonymous at 10:15 am on Aug. 19, 2008[quote]Quote: from [m]The Sarah[/m] at 10:13 am on Aug. 19, 2008[quote]The first two or three parts had something interesting going for them, but then the line "This is a poem, fuck off" ruined it for me, and then the last few lines felt redundant (or just overused the word "perfect" maybe).[/quote] That line was there as a statement. Because most people would call that prose rather than verse. And the word perfect is the focus of the piece   :angel: [/quote] FAQ Keyword Search: Post Options Favorites Manager Notify me of new replies to this topic by email Notify me of new replies to this topic by private message Original Post Anonymous Posted at 10:10 am on Aug. 19, 2008 It's been thirteen months and thirteen days since I embarked on this mission to become perfect. I began with the number of words that fall out of my mouth. Because numbers were so important, and algebra was key, and I wanted to win so you couldn't know what "x" was. So I gave you the digits to put together, and to add and subtract and multiply and divide and you didn't know the answer. And it was "I love you." And after a while, I perfected the problem and you'd never solve it and it was mine, and I won because winning is crucial when you want to be perfect. I was then obsessed with the number that was sown to all of my clothes, because numbers were so important. And it dropped, first slowly, then faster. 12, 10, 8. And it was right and it was even, and it was small. Because size becomes vital when you want to be perfect. And there's still something missing, I'm not perfect. It's sixteen days until my sixteenth birthday. And this is a poem, so read it with rhythm and find a pace and understand that it's there to inform and describe. It's just different, because I'm different and I'm going to be sixteen and I'm going to be perfect, I swear on your life, I swear on mine. I'll do it, with or without you, because in sixteen days, on my sixteenth birthday, it'll be a year since the end. And I have to be perfect or else you win, and if you win... NB, this is a piece of writing, don't reply with advice on the situation of the character, it's FICTION!

Replies The Sarah Posted at 8:00 am on Aug. 24, 2008 Sorry I haven't had time to look at this. :( When my homework for summer is done I'll come back to it. I like the poetry line even worse than the first one, though. Anonymous Posted at 10:27 am on Aug. 19, 2008 Quote: from The Sarah at 10:27 am on Aug. 19, 2008 Is the title of this topic the title of the poem? No, I don't have one yet. Redraft done! The Sarah Posted at 10:27 am on Aug. 19, 2008 Is the title of this topic the title of the poem? The Sarah Posted at 10:24 am on Aug. 19, 2008 Quote: from Anonymous at 10:23 am on Aug. 19, 2008 Quote: from The Sarah at 10:20 am on Aug. 19, 2008 Quote: from Anonymous at 10:15 am on Aug. 19, 2008 Quote: from The Sarah at 10:13 am on Aug. 19, 2008 The first two or three parts had something interesting going for them, but then the line "This is a poem, fuck off" ruined it for me, and then the last few lines felt redundant (or just overused the word "perfect" maybe).    That line was there as a statement. Because most people would call that prose rather than verse. And the word perfect is the focus of the piece    The statement throws in this immature defensiveness that didn't fit, for me, with the tone of the rest of the piece--a tone full of desparation and self-involvement. Idk. And you're right, the word is central, I guess I feel like the ideas are more watered down and literal in the last few lines? Let me read it again later, I'm tired.    Also I like the pace change, I think you handlded that well, and those first two lines fucking blow my mind. I'm about to redraft, let me know what you think. Alright, and I "redrafted" my last comment lol. I won't be around until later this evening but can you PM it to me or something? I'd be really interested in seeing draft #2. Anonymous Posted at 10:23 am on Aug. 19, 2008 Quote: from The Sarah at 10:20 am on Aug. 19, 2008 Quote: from Anonymous at 10:15 am on Aug. 19, 2008 Quote: from The Sarah at 10:13 am on Aug. 19, 2008 The first two or three parts had something interesting going for them, but then the line "This is a poem, fuck off" ruined it for me, and then the last few lines felt redundant (or just overused the word "perfect" maybe).   That line was there as a statement. Because most people would call that prose rather than verse. And the word perfect is the focus of the piece   The statement throws in this immature defensiveness that didn't fit, for me, with the tone of the rest of the piece--a tone full of desparation and self-involvement. Idk. And you're right, the word is central, I guess I feel like the ideas are more watered down and literal in the last few lines? Let me read it again later, I'm tired. Also I like the pace change, I think you handlded that well, and those first two lines fucking blow my mind. I'm about to redraft, let me know what you think. The Sarah Posted at 10:20 am on Aug. 19, 2008 Quote: from Anonymous at 10:15 am on Aug. 19, 2008 Quote: from The Sarah at 10:13 am on Aug. 19, 2008 The first two or three parts had something interesting going for them, but then the line "This is a poem, fuck off" ruined it for me, and then the last few lines felt redundant (or just overused the word "perfect" maybe).   That line was there as a statement. Because most people would call that prose rather than verse. And the word perfect is the focus of the piece   The statement throws in this immature defensiveness that didn't fit, for me, with the tone of the rest of the piece--a tone full of desparation and self-involvement. Idk. And you're right, the word is central, I guess I feel like the ideas are more watered down and literal in the last few lines? Let me read it again later, I'm tired. And thinking about it again, I think it's more powerful if the "narrator" doesn't have to declare that it's a poem. She is so obsessed with the idea of perfection racing through her mind--why would she be caring about whether her audience sees that it's a poem? And also--why should the poem explicitly state that it is a poem? It makes me think, Why does it feel the need to convince me? I'm at a loss for words, I just really hate that line a lot, I'm sorry. Also I like the pace change, I think you handlded that well, and those first two lines fucking blow my mind. Xhiddenartist17X Posted at 10:16 am on Aug. 19, 2008 ick. No thanks wish I never read that Anonymous Posted at 10:15 am on Aug. 19, 2008 Quote: from The Sarah at 10:13 am on Aug. 19, 2008 The first two or three parts had something interesting going for them, but then the line "This is a poem, fuck off" ruined it for me, and then the last few lines felt redundant (or just overused the word "perfect" maybe). That line was there as a statement. Because most people would call that prose rather than verse. And the word perfect is the focus of the piece   The Sarah Posted at 10:13 am on Aug. 19, 2008 The first two or three parts had something interesting going for them, but then the line "This is a poem, fuck off" ruined it for me, and then the last few lines felt redundant (or just overused the word "perfect" maybe). Jadien Posted at 10:11 am on Aug. 19, 2008 This was awesome. White Ninja Posted at 10:11 am on Aug. 19, 2008 Perfect people are boring. I hope you never accomplish your mission. EDIT: You or your character. All 11 previous replies displayed.