Quoting Post Archived Topic: It will not be bumped to the top of the forum. Topic random poem Membername   Not a member? Sign Up Free (takes 20 seconds) Password   Forgotten your password? Post Font: Verdana Arial Black Georgia Comic Sans Impact   Size: Tiny Normal Big Huge   Color: Default Dark Red Red Orange Brown Green Olive Cyan Blue Dark Blue Indigo Black [ Check Spelling ] [ Post Preview ] [ LiveTags ] Quote: from [m]hateitandloveit[/m] at 8:34 pm on Nov. 16, 2008[quote]That's actually really good..[/quote] FAQ Keyword Search: Post Options Favorites Manager Notify me of new replies to this topic by email Notify me of new replies to this topic by private message Original Post bananawhore Posted at 8:32 pm on Nov. 16, 2008 .

Replies saradotcom Posted at 6:44 pm on Nov. 17, 2008 I liked the first version best.  But I do like it a lot.  It seems almost like it is modeled after the style of the poem in The Perks of Being a Wallflower.  i can't remember the name of that one, but the styles are similar.  I like it.  Good job. :) carracer Posted at 5:47 pm on Nov. 17, 2008 Quote: from bananawhore at 5:26 pm on Nov. 17, 2008 Aanyone else? You still need to fix those grammar and spelling problems I mentioned. Also I still feel like it progresses too quickly. But that is just my opinion. bananawhore Posted at 5:26 pm on Nov. 17, 2008 Aanyone else? ocdbabe Posted at 12:54 pm on Nov. 17, 2008 i like it, but i'm assuming you mean clock not cluck. and there are a few spelling errors. i'd look over it again. i like it though. i personally prefer the first one though, although the second is good as well. bananawhore Posted at 8:49 pm on Nov. 16, 2008 alright, added something new in REVISED1: She watched with awe as the cluck struck 12. And the ball dropped and her parents kissed. And drank the silly bubble drink. That year she would learn to read and write. And she would learn that 2+2 equaled 4. And not too much later, just a year or two or three. The cluck struck 12, and she understood, The meaning of a new beginning. And the silly bubble drink had a name, champagne. And she knew why her parents kissed. That year she would make real friends. And learn to multiply big number, and divide them as well, A few years later, not too many. She would watch with amusement, as the clock struck 12. And she would celebrate, her new year beginning, and make her own secret resolutions. And she'd take her first sip of champagne. And that year she'd learn how to backtalk, and how to question the world around her, New Years again, still not much had changed, Laughed with the friends, and celebrated with the family when the clock struck 12. And took a sip here and there from the glass of champagne. And thought about hoe artifical her life seemd. And she no longer watched her parents kiss She was far too busy with her own man. And that year she learned the secrets of cliques and exams, And how to steal an essay off the internet And just a year later, things would be different, once again. And shed slip away from the room as the clock struck 12, And her cries would accompany their cheers. And she'd fall asleep that night, bottle of champagne in hand, makeup running down her face and splattered on her pillow For another new year, no longer meant a new beginning, but just another mess of bad days. And she wouldn't learn much that year, since she didn't really bother, since she didn't really care. And time would pass, the way time does. And it would be a new year again. But this time, the girl wasn't there. bananawhore Posted at 8:45 pm on Nov. 16, 2008 thanks! i'm gonn work on that right now carracer Posted at 8:42 pm on Nov. 16, 2008 That has a pretty good progression. Did you mean cluck or clock? "A few years later, not too many. She would watch with amusement, as the clock struck one. And she would celebrate, her new year beginning, and make her own secret resolutions. And she'd take her first sip of champagne. And that year she'd learn how to backtalk, and how to question the world around her. And just a year later, things would be different, once again. And shed slip away from the room as the clock struck one, And her cries would accompany their cheers. And she'd fall asleep that night, bottle of champagne in hand, makeup running down her face and splattered on her pillow" I think you need a transition stanza between these two. I feel like just at this part it progresses too rapidly. "big number" need an S. After in every stanza after the first line you have a period. Change all of them to commas except for the first one. I also feel like some of the information in the middle is overly artificial. youSPUNKYnub Posted at 8:36 pm on Nov. 16, 2008 i like it. and thats saying something cause usually i hate poems that dont ryme. lol hateitandloveit Posted at 8:34 pm on Nov. 16, 2008 That's actually really good.. lightskaylaction Posted at 8:34 pm on Nov. 16, 2008 that was the most depressing thing i've ever read All 10 previous replies displayed.