Quoting Post Archived Topic: It will not be bumped to the top of the forum. Topic What do you think of my latest poem? Membername   Not a member? Sign Up Free (takes 20 seconds) Password   Forgotten your password? Post Font: Verdana Arial Black Georgia Comic Sans Impact   Size: Tiny Normal Big Huge   Color: Default Dark Red Red Orange Brown Green Olive Cyan Blue Dark Blue Indigo Black [ Check Spelling ] [ Post Preview ] [ LiveTags ] Quote: from Anonymous at 7:56 pm on Nov. 23, 2008[quote] If we all just equally shared the burden Problems and mistakes Wrongdoings and faults No one would have to feel so alone But some like to ignore Or s away the pain Just look away and pretend its all okay Tune out the cries and sorrow without a second glance Others, missing hearts Know what they have done but to them its no crime at all Even as small as cruel remark For a bruise on my skin will eventually fade But your words will forever in my mind, replay And then here and there The few who care The few who care a bit too much Whos think that theyre just such big fuck ups That every problem leads back to them anyways And what are they to do? They're stuck feeling sorry for you When it should be the other way around. And when you think you've caused so many problems to others To friends and strangers around the world. You've caused them pain, or so you think And the pain of knowing this will stay with you forever Of course like the others you have thins thing wrong of your own But if you just tough it out And just suck it up, don't say a thing Take responsibility and never shed a tear You hope maybe they wont hate you so much. For the things you believe You've fucked up for them So you'll do your best To fix what you havnt created So many of these problems, you've merely fabricated In reality, They arent yours at all. dwell on all your problems dwell on the world's mistake since in your mind, theyre yours everything you do is wrong. Bur you Learn to live with it You'll be one of the first to go anyways. [/quote] FAQ Keyword Search: Post Options Favorites Manager Notify me of new replies to this topic by email Notify me of new replies to this topic by private message Original Post Anonymous Posted at 7:56 pm on Nov. 23, 2008 If we all just equally shared the burden Problems and mistakes Wrongdoings and faults No one would have to feel so alone But some like to ignore Or s away the pain Just look away and pretend its all okay Tune out the cries and sorrow without a second glance Others, missing hearts Know what they have done but to them its no crime at all Even as small as cruel remark For a bruise on my skin will eventually fade But your words will forever in my mind, replay And then here and there The few who care The few who care a bit too much Whos think that theyre just such big fuck ups That every problem leads back to them anyways And what are they to do? They're stuck feeling sorry for you When it should be the other way around. And when you think you've caused so many problems to others To friends and strangers around the world. You've caused them pain, or so you think And the pain of knowing this will stay with you forever Of course like the others you have thins thing wrong of your own But if you just tough it out And just suck it up, don't say a thing Take responsibility and never shed a tear You hope maybe they wont hate you so much. For the things you believe You've fucked up for them So you'll do your best To fix what you havnt created So many of these problems, you've merely fabricated In reality, They arent yours at all. dwell on all your problems dwell on the world's mistake since in your mind, theyre yours everything you do is wrong. Bur you Learn to live with it You'll be one of the first to go anyways.

Replies carracer Posted at 8:04 pm on Nov. 23, 2008 Quote: from SpM at 8:00 pm on Nov. 23, 2008 I think you've taken a trite, mediocre idea and expressed it poorly. Same. Its just not that great. Also, unnecessary cursing in a poem kind of ruins it for me. There are so many other, more emotional ways to express anger. mycuteFIEND Posted at 8:04 pm on Nov. 23, 2008 I think you should break it up more, make the syntax more apparent. Maybe use more abstract or creative metaphors and a better vocabulary. Sometimes it's hard to express what you're feeling through poetry. What I do is write short stories then take those ideas and make them into poems. With some editing, this could be a great poem! SpM Posted at 8:00 pm on Nov. 23, 2008 I think you've taken a trite, mediocre idea and expressed it poorly. Sarge Posted at 7:58 pm on Nov. 23, 2008 Stanzas are your friend. All 4 previous replies displayed.