Quoting Post Archived Topic: It will not be bumped to the top of the forum. Topic My story needs feedback please Membername   Not a member? Sign Up Free (takes 20 seconds) Password   Forgotten your password? Post Font: Verdana Arial Black Georgia Comic Sans Impact   Size: Tiny Normal Big Huge   Color: Default Dark Red Red Orange Brown Green Olive Cyan Blue Dark Blue Indigo Black [ Check Spelling ] [ Post Preview ] [ LiveTags ] Quote: from [m]lilith sanitcrow[/m] at 2:10 pm on Dec. 22, 2008[quote]Pain, lets you know you were still alive. I always hated that saying. What do you relied on when you can feel no pain? That is what I thought as I lied motionless on the ground. Well I guess I should start at the beginning then. For you do not know what the cause was for me taking an impromptu nap on the ground. After you hear my story you will understand. The night is my friend, I would stay until the sun rose or until my sister would come and get me. I was a night child, born at exactly at midnight October first. You don't know how right I was. Because of my love of the night I started working the night shift at the city morgue.  Dead people were so much better than the living, for if you tell your secrets to the dead they must take them to the grave. Talking to them helped me get things off my chest. But soon someone would be telling secrets to me.  My boss was the one who introduced to the thing that changed me. He called it a blessing I, on the other hand, call it a curse. She was five foot seven with black hair and blue-green eyes. Her name was Lilith Saintcrow. She started working at the morgue the week I came down with influenza. The week I returned my boss, Roy introduced her to me. I did not find her the least bit attractive because I am not gay. I am female, guess I should have told you that earlier, huh. My name is Raven Redwood or Red to my friends. I'm five foot five with black hair with red highlights. My eyes change between blue, green and hazel. But enough about me let's get back to Lilith. She was my partner for the night shift because she had class in the day. She was just working there until she finished med school Roy told me. And with that he went on his marry little way. In the weeks to come Lilith became a little, how do I put this lightly, unsettling. When working on the bodies she would stop and stare then look up at me with this look on her face. Some nights she would show up late with the most unbelievable excuses, but it was not my business.  Something changed between us because one night she caught me telling a secret to one of the bodies. I had a dream that scared me and I needed to tell someone and our latest body, John Katter was there to listen. My mother died soon after my little brother was born. I was ten at the time. In the dream my mother was being walked into an ally by something or someone. She looked young like in high school so it was before I was born but that was not the part that scared me. It was what happened after the dark of the ally had swallowed her that frightened me. I heard an ear piercing scream in my mom's voice, it continued until her voice gave out. I woke up screaming and stayed awake until it was time for me to go to work. I was sharing these very details with John when Lilith walked in. Her eyes were wide with awe. "Uh" was the most literate response I could come up with. After blinking a few times she said the most unexpected thing. "You are her daughter." "I just thought that you having the same name as her, I-I mean you was just a coincidence." "I told Mark that you were real not just a myth." She said all this without stopping to take a breath.  "Wait" I yelled. "What do you mean?" "You are one of us." Lilith said. "Joel bit her so she could have you because her blood was dormant that would make you a pure blood the first one in years."  "Pure blooded what?" I asked. Lilith looked confused. "The change has not occurred yet b-but that's not right." "You were meant to change in the 18th year." Lilith said mostly to herself I could tell. I wanted her to tell me what in the world she was talking about. So, I asked the most rational and reasonable question, "Change into what?" She didn't have to answer because I think the elongated canine teeth were enough of an answer for me. I did what any self-respecting, mature woman would do- I made a break for the exit with one fleeting thought - She'll never take me alive! I was leaping tables and slabs like a freaking gazelle trying to escape the wrath of the hungry lion. The hunt was afoot. On National Geographic, the gazelle always gets captured. The chase is just a futile attempt at escaping the inevitable. And plus my flight or fight response is kinda bias toward flight.  (That's all I wrote so far I have writers block any ideas)[/quote] FAQ Keyword Search: Post Options Favorites Manager Notify me of new replies to this topic by email Notify me of new replies to this topic by private message Original Post lilith sanitcrow Posted at 2:10 pm on Dec. 22, 2008 Pain, lets you know you were still alive. I always hated that saying. What do you relied on when you can feel no pain? That is what I thought as I lied motionless on the ground. Well I guess I should start at the beginning then. For you do not know what the cause was for me taking an impromptu nap on the ground. After you hear my story you will understand. The night is my friend, I would stay until the sun rose or until my sister would come and get me. I was a night child, born at exactly at midnight October first. You don't know how right I was. Because of my love of the night I started working the night shift at the city morgue.  Dead people were so much better than the living, for if you tell your secrets to the dead they must take them to the grave. Talking to them helped me get things off my chest. But soon someone would be telling secrets to me.  My boss was the one who introduced to the thing that changed me. He called it a blessing I, on the other hand, call it a curse. She was five foot seven with black hair and blue-green eyes. Her name was Lilith Saintcrow. She started working at the morgue the week I came down with influenza. The week I returned my boss, Roy introduced her to me. I did not find her the least bit attractive because I am not gay. I am female, guess I should have told you that earlier, huh. My name is Raven Redwood or Red to my friends. I'm five foot five with black hair with red highlights. My eyes change between blue, green and hazel. But enough about me let's get back to Lilith. She was my partner for the night shift because she had class in the day. She was just working there until she finished med school Roy told me. And with that he went on his marry little way. In the weeks to come Lilith became a little, how do I put this lightly, unsettling. When working on the bodies she would stop and stare then look up at me with this look on her face. Some nights she would show up late with the most unbelievable excuses, but it was not my business.  Something changed between us because one night she caught me telling a secret to one of the bodies. I had a dream that scared me and I needed to tell someone and our latest body, John Katter was there to listen. My mother died soon after my little brother was born. I was ten at the time. In the dream my mother was being walked into an ally by something or someone. She looked young like in high school so it was before I was born but that was not the part that scared me. It was what happened after the dark of the ally had swallowed her that frightened me. I heard an ear piercing scream in my mom's voice, it continued until her voice gave out. I woke up screaming and stayed awake until it was time for me to go to work. I was sharing these very details with John when Lilith walked in. Her eyes were wide with awe. "Uh" was the most literate response I could come up with. After blinking a few times she said the most unexpected thing. "You are her daughter." "I just thought that you having the same name as her, I-I mean you was just a coincidence." "I told Mark that you were real not just a myth." She said all this without stopping to take a breath.  "Wait" I yelled. "What do you mean?" "You are one of us." Lilith said. "Joel bit her so she could have you because her blood was dormant that would make you a pure blood the first one in years."  "Pure blooded what?" I asked. Lilith looked confused. "The change has not occurred yet b-but that's not right." "You were meant to change in the 18th year." Lilith said mostly to herself I could tell. I wanted her to tell me what in the world she was talking about. So, I asked the most rational and reasonable question, "Change into what?" She didn't have to answer because I think the elongated canine teeth were enough of an answer for me. I did what any self-respecting, mature woman would do- I made a break for the exit with one fleeting thought - She'll never take me alive! I was leaping tables and slabs like a freaking gazelle trying to escape the wrath of the hungry lion. The hunt was afoot. On National Geographic, the gazelle always gets captured. The chase is just a futile attempt at escaping the inevitable. And plus my flight or fight response is kinda bias toward flight.  (That's all I wrote so far I have writers block any ideas)

Replies lilith sanitcrow Posted at 4:01 pm on Dec. 23, 2008 people said it comfused them. can you tell me what confused you so i can change it. This is my first story  so all constructive criticism is welcome. For the paragraphs i'm still working on that but i have to rewrite the story and i have not found the time to do so. CeeMoney Posted at 2:20 pm on Dec. 22, 2008 P A R A G R A P H S mingming Posted at 2:19 pm on Dec. 22, 2008 You need to shorten this into paragraphs, like books do because its easier on the eyes to read. Autumnal Posted at 2:19 pm on Dec. 22, 2008 It's great so far :) I like the descriptions and the idea, but you should put it into paragraphs and towards the end it got a little confusing, so maybe you could make that a bit more understandable? But apart from that it's great! And all you people saying 'It's too long', 'make it shorter.' - Don't post and complain if you can't be bothered reading it. You don't get good 100 word stories. phaedradelune Posted at 2:18 pm on Dec. 22, 2008 put in paragraph breaks. forfallonyy Posted at 2:15 pm on Dec. 22, 2008 mi head huts too longg XxBaybeexHayzxX Posted at 2:14 pm on Dec. 22, 2008 way too long... sorry lol La Motta Posted at 2:13 pm on Dec. 22, 2008 Make it into paragraphs, please. juliahcrashbang Posted at 2:13 pm on Dec. 22, 2008 not reading that too long shorten it rhyswales Posted at 2:12 pm on Dec. 22, 2008 :S MiZzB3aUtY Posted at 2:12 pm on Dec. 22, 2008 shorten it down. tooo long. cowgirlyehaa Posted at 2:11 pm on Dec. 22, 2008 tOO MUCH TEXT. Light Assassin Posted at 2:11 pm on Dec. 22, 2008 tl;dr c1burube Posted at 2:11 pm on Dec. 22, 2008 you expect me to read that.....HELLZ NO All 14 previous replies displayed.