Quoting Post Archived Topic: It will not be bumped to the top of the forum. Topic Poem I wrote about a year ago; Membername   Not a member? Sign Up Free (takes 20 seconds) Password   Forgotten your password? Post Font: Verdana Arial Black Georgia Comic Sans Impact   Size: Tiny Normal Big Huge   Color: Default Dark Red Red Orange Brown Green Olive Cyan Blue Dark Blue Indigo Black [ Check Spelling ] [ Post Preview ] [ LiveTags ] Quote: from [m]Bakker[/m] at 1:08 am on Jan. 9, 2009[quote]I was cleaning my room the other day, and I found some old notebooks I used to keep. Not like a diary; there's none of this "Today I fucked someone at school" shit, just notebooks and notebooks full of poems, short stories, anything and everything. And I found this: Grey. The sky overhead The schoolboys uniform as he cries Business suits thrown to the floor (while the lawyer and) (and the witness) (make love) Grey Black and white photographs (of loves long past) (of broken hearts) And grey My mood for today While the sky and the schoolboy cry While the lawyer and the witness fuck While the old flames die I am. Grey. So that's it ^^ Exactly as it was written on a torn out piece of refill. Comments and criticism appreciated. [/quote] FAQ Keyword Search: Post Options Favorites Manager Notify me of new replies to this topic by email Notify me of new replies to this topic by private message Original Post Bakker Posted at 1:08 am on Jan. 9, 2009 I was cleaning my room the other day, and I found some old notebooks I used to keep. Not like a diary; there's none of this "Today I fucked someone at school" shit, just notebooks and notebooks full of poems, short stories, anything and everything. And I found this: Grey. The sky overhead The schoolboys uniform as he cries Business suits thrown to the floor (while the lawyer and) (and the witness) (make love) Grey Black and white photographs (of loves long past) (of broken hearts) And grey My mood for today While the sky and the schoolboy cry While the lawyer and the witness fuck While the old flames die I am. Grey. So that's it ^^ Exactly as it was written on a torn out piece of refill. Comments and criticism appreciated.

Replies gwen gardner Posted at 1:41 am on Jan. 9, 2009 Quote: from TheAntiBarbie at 1:09 am on Jan. 9, 2009 I like it. Bakker Posted at 1:19 am on Jan. 9, 2009 Quote: from TheAntiBarbie at 1:15 am on Jan. 9, 2009 Quote: from Bakker at 4:11 am on Jan. 9, 2009 Quote: from TheAntiBarbie at 1:09 am on Jan. 9, 2009 I like it.    Thanks.    Any ideas for editing? Hmm. I like it the way it is, but I think I would add a few "as"s in there. You know, like this -   Grey. As the sky overhead As the schoolboys uniform as he cries As the business suits thrown to the floor   Because (well to me at least) it sounds like the whole poem is describing what doesn't come to the end, the whole thing isn't really talking about the sky and the clothes because of them specifically, you're saying that your mood is grey as they are. I see what you mean. It'd probably make more sense that way xD Thanks for your input =D Jman19 Posted at 1:18 am on Jan. 9, 2009 Nice. TheAntiBarbie Posted at 1:15 am on Jan. 9, 2009 Quote: from Bakker at 4:11 am on Jan. 9, 2009 Quote: from TheAntiBarbie at 1:09 am on Jan. 9, 2009 I like it. Thanks. Any ideas for editing? Hmm. I like it the way it is, but I think I would add a few "as"s in there. You know, like this - Grey. As the sky overhead As the schoolboys uniform as he cries As the business suits thrown to the floor Because (well to me at least) it sounds like the whole poem is describing what doesn't come to the end, the whole thing isn't really talking about the sky and the clothes because of them specifically, you're saying that your mood is grey as they are. Bakker Posted at 1:11 am on Jan. 9, 2009 Quote: from TheAntiBarbie at 1:09 am on Jan. 9, 2009 I like it. Thanks. Any ideas for editing? TheAntiBarbie Posted at 1:09 am on Jan. 9, 2009 I like it. All 6 previous replies displayed.