Quoting Post Archived Topic: It will not be bumped to the top of the forum. Topic second draft better? =) Membername   Not a member? Sign Up Free (takes 20 seconds) Password   Forgotten your password? Post Font: Verdana Arial Black Georgia Comic Sans Impact   Size: Tiny Normal Big Huge   Color: Default Dark Red Red Orange Brown Green Olive Cyan Blue Dark Blue Indigo Black [ Check Spelling ] [ Post Preview ] [ LiveTags ] Quote: from [m]jack8714[/m] at 6:34 pm on July 5, 2009[quote]needs a better ending[/quote] FAQ Keyword Search: Post Options Favorites Manager Notify me of new replies to this topic by email Notify me of new replies to this topic by private message Original Post well well well Posted at 6:33 pm on July 5, 2009 He looks so silly. I always see him holding an umbrella, even though there isn't rain. I choke a laugh, and catch him smile, still holding his umbrella, still on a sunny day. Thunder claps, and sky splits open, making the sunny day give way to heavy rain. I see myself. I look so silly, without an umbrella, standing in the rain. I chance a glance, at he who's happy, holding his umbrella, sheltered from the rain. He blinks, and holds his out to me, He gives me his umbrella. I am sheltered from the rain. Then I laugh.  He looks so silly, without an umbrella, standing in the rain.

Replies virginia287 Posted at 6:49 pm on July 5, 2009 try using different words than repeatedly saying "silly", "sunny", and "sheltered". Yeah I sense the simplicity of the poem and I really like that, it almost adds instead of making the quality of your writing any less. But try replacing the words you use more than once (other than "rain" and "umbrella" obviously) and I think you will have a nice piece :) well well well Posted at 6:41 pm on July 5, 2009 Quote: from virginia287 at 6:40 pm on July 5, 2009 A lot better, but I would try to change up your word choice, parts of it are still redundant and I don't think thats what you should be going for bleh i appreciate the honesty =) i thought maybe using the same few words seemed simplistic and ideal but. any suggestions? virginia287 Posted at 6:40 pm on July 5, 2009 A lot better, but I would try to change up your word choice, parts of it are still redundant and I don't think thats what you should be going for blackbandaid Posted at 6:37 pm on July 5, 2009 The end is a bit disappointing, but not bad. ehmusic Posted at 6:35 pm on July 5, 2009 It seems like what it is: rushed.  Give yourself time on an edit/revision.  Pretty much all you did was delete a line/white space. This is more like a revised first draft, than an actual second draft. well well well Posted at 6:35 pm on July 5, 2009 Quote: from The Academy at 6:34 pm on July 5, 2009 Besides a few grammar mistakes here and there, it's still pretty good. I like how you end (except the second stanza) every stanza in rain. It's decent, but nothing amazingly great. (: bleh thanks =) i'm just bored as hell and in a perfectionist mood Leannbby Posted at 6:34 pm on July 5, 2009 yes, it is betterr The Mixed Tape Posted at 6:34 pm on July 5, 2009 Besides a few grammar mistakes here and there, it's still pretty good. I like how you end (except the second stanza) every stanza in rain. It's decent, but nothing amazingly great. (: jack8714 Posted at 6:34 pm on July 5, 2009 needs a better ending All 9 previous replies displayed.