I started college less than a month ago and for me, describing it as overwhelming would probably be an understatement lol. I feel like I haven't experienced this much in my four years of high school as lame as that sounds. To add to that, it hasn't really hit me yet that I'm living a new life basically and I think that proves that my transition is probably a lot harder than I though it would be.
I kind of went through high school never really wanting to put an effort into socializing because in my mentality, I thought I would wait till college and try my best. So I guess I was pretty unhappy & unstable in high school. My home life wasn't really bad or anything, but my parents are pretty miserable with their own lives and have taken out on me before. I don't think this affected me at all because I was able to rationalize what's going on, but dorming in college was a must during the application process lol. I came to college thinking that my past was behind me and the first couple of days went really great in that sense. I was overwhelmed, but I put a crazy amount of effort and I was pretty satisfied with how everything was going lol. I didn't really figure out who I was in high school so I was trying everything now which I guess is pretty normal in my case lol.
Like my parents I guess, I'm pretty much an introvert and being around so many people at one time really exhausted me. But since I came to college expecting to make up for 4 bad years of high school, I set a lot of expectations for myself. It was stupid keeping up a social life that I did because I couldn't handle it and it got awkward between a few people. Especially between me and a guy I kissed and started to like later on. Basically, I became pretty insecure and my head started getting to me.
I'm really trying to take it one day at a time & keep up social life that I feel like I can handle. The thing is, I'm basically starting over a social life and I'm still meeting people so I'm not really stable yet in those terms. Except, unlike the very beginning, I feel like there is some sort of unhappiness that's not so obvious to me. I feel like I can't rationalize that I don't have anything to be insecure about because I'm not at the point where I'm secure with my life I guess. I don't feel motivated mostly in my social life and start to separate myself from people (I get really quiet and pretty awkward), but I also don't feel like putting my best into my schoolwork either.
Plus there's the fact that classes started, I'm away from home (as much as I hated it, it was my comfort zone), I don't have any close friends yet here, I'm like my own worst enemy lol, I'm exhausted socially, and the idea that I will end up as miserable as my parents lol. I think that really adds up to me being unmotivated at times in most aspects of my life lol.
I'm not depressed I don't think & I doubt I have any psychiatric problems lol. There are days when Im happy because something went really well & I'm pretty social and confident. I know college takes getting used to and it's still pretty early, but I would really appreciate some guidance. I'm sorry this is so long! Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this and writes at least a few words :) .
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