Anyway I originally started the joke thread to cheer my friends up and to let you all enjoy the jokes that I, whilst browsing the web found hilarious, jokes that actually made me quite literally laugh out loud, hence the original description “LOL CENTRAL!”
But after time the joke thread became inactive and archived but it seems there is still a high demand for me to post more jokes, so I happily announce this topic to be my second attempt, “Lol Central, Version 2” I hope you all enjoy the jokes.
Heres 5 for today, more tomorrow or maybe later I hope none of you have heard all of these before, It’s a challenge to find funny material that hasn’t been over-used!
Single
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2%, milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head , of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, a 1 lb. package of bacon As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly"
Little Johnny Goes Fishing
Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I have some beer too?" "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back. "No" "Well, than your not big enough" Granpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette. "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again. "No" "Well, than your not big enough" Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?" Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough." Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies"
Worst URL choices for companies
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com (Who have now changed thier name to www.experts-exchange.com)
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com
Maid for hire
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, ''Who is this?'' ''This is the maid,'' answers the woman. ''We don't have a maid,'' says the man. The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.'' The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?'' The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.'' The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?'' The maid says, ''What will I have to do?'' The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.'' The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?'' The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.'' Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.'' A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''
Towel waving lessons
An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what he does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel! The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
Read.
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
Jack replied, "I`m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don`t see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
Jack whispered back, "I`m in the secret service."
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork `s hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, `Lets be avin` da fingers and I`ll see what oi can do`. Paddy said, `Oi haven`t got da fingers.` `Whadda ya mean you haven`t got da fingers? Lord Tunderin` Jesus, it`s 2009! We`s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn`t ya bring da fingers?!?` And Paddy said, `An how da fock was I `spose to pick them up????
Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: See you next month
A drunk man got on to a bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and slumped down next to an elderly woman.
She looked the man sternly and said, "I`ve got news for you young man - you`re going straight to hell!"
The drunk man jumped up and screamed, "I`m on the wrong bus!"
- A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs. - A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need. - A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. - A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. - A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. - A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot. - To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. - Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. - Women somehow deteriorate overnight. - A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. - A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does. - Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die. - Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. - A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. 4. Watch more TV. I`ve been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. 6. Drink. Drink some more. 7. Take up a new habit: smoking. 8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night. 9. Spend more time at work. 10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine. 11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. 12. Quit giving money & time to charity. 14. Start being superstitious. 15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. 16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words. 17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms. 18. Personal goal: bring back disco.
More jokes please?? <3 OH! I heard a good one recently! What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? ... Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinairy blowjob! haha ;)
OH! I heard a good one recently!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
...
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinairy blowjob!
haha ;)
Will post more jokes soon!
- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
- The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
- People are always available for work in the past tense.
- If it wasn`t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
- When you don`t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
- You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
While checking the church storeroom, the pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But because he didn`t want to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the backseats of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here`s the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he said, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here`s the $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That`s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "Louie, there`s $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded.
"That`s impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you`d better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-do-don`t kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-said wa-wa-wa-was `W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks o-o-o-or wo-wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?`"
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