He has burkitts lymphoma and leukemia and they are trying to treat both at the same time. recently they had to pull him off of the chemo for 2 weeks because he needed to have his gallbladder removed (a side effect of the chemo and the damage it is doing to his body) and in that 2 weeks, the leukemia came back, violently and is now in his spine.
For the first time since this process started I am faced with the reality that I may never see him again. I mail him cards and random things. I call him on occasion (he is so tired all the time i dont want to bother him). I cant afford to fly to houston and he is so sick now that visitors are a rare thing for him to be allowed to have.
I dont know how to say goodbye to someone like this. the last time i saw him he was just coming back from iraq, was healthy and fit and sweet and we had coffee and chatted about my new job and he talked about coming to visit me and now he is a shell of his former person, dying in a hospital bed.
I dont want him to be in pain anymore. I dont want him to suffer but I dont want to lose him either.
For the time being though, the best thing you can do is anything you can to help him out, and anything to give yourself a little peace of mind with it. Whether that means keeping sending cards and little things to letting him know you're still there for him, or calling him when he has the strength to talk....anything is going to mean something.
I know when you look at the big picture....the seriousness of what's going on and the odds he's facing, those little things might seem meaningless or "not enough". But I really think knowing that you're in the thoughts and prayers of others, and that they haven't given up on you yet goes a long way.
There's no need to say goodbye at this point. Enjoy the connections you can form with him, and do what you can to make sure he gets the same out of that relationship.<3
People die, we all do, it's a part of life. The easiest and best way to deal with it is to accept it. The main reason you're hurting isn't necessarily because of him, it's how you feel about it. Once you can sort how you're feeling and way, it'll be easier to handle it.
You don't have to say goodbye. You just have to be there as you can, and give him all the love you can. As shitty as this may sound, you're lucky you know he's dying, because you have the opportunity to tell him everything you want him to know, be there for him more, and help him get through this rough transition and time.
And for all we know, he may very well live through it. Telling him goodbye will just dampen his spirits. You tell him about the good things in life, and help him make new memories.
I know if I was dying I would not, not ever, want it to be filled with sadness and tears. I'd want it to be filed with laughter, jokes, new positive memories, and happiness. Focus on giving him that. Love is far better than Goodbyes.
I don't really know what to type in all honesty..
Carie, I am so so sorry, this is such a terrible situation. Cancer is a horrible disease and I sadly know a lot of grim stuff about Burkitt's lymphoma. A lot of times it is really unpredictable and there's not a lot anyone can do. Saying goodbye isn't easy, and even thinking about it can make people swell up, so i know this must feel horrendous. Maybe you could arrange a skype session with him and get his family to bring a laptop to the hospital of something so you can talk to him? Continue with the cards and the phone calls, I'm sure he really appreciates it. Just speak and write about the good times you've had and things like that, keeping it cheery. Thinking about the dark side just tends make you sadder. I don't really know what else to say.
when he was first diagnosed i made the mistake of googling burkitts. It is a terrible terrible thing.
We havent skyped at all, only done phone calls and letters and stuff. I should try ot make that happen. that is going ot be hard though. even the pictures I see of him are just devastating who he is compared to who he was. I will have to be strong if we do skype.
Hey Carie, life and death are rough. Seeing loved ones have to deal with both is amazing, tragic, horrible, and twisted. We've no idea what his chances are, but they don't look good from the surface scratch that I understand, you're not loosing him though. He will be with you always, as one of those fond memories, as one of those voices in your head (or maybe that's just me, and I am a crazy person) as one of those feelings you get, as part of the lessons about life that he has taught you, he has effected you, permanently. I don't know what else to say, it really really blows that you most likely won't be able to make new moments, or memories with that person. But there is never anything infinite. I actually received word yesterday that my grandmother is in the hospital with water around her lungs and heart, and while I've no idea what that means in terms of her living or dying, I realized, it doesn't matter. That's not my concern, my concern is to make her comfortable, help her be happier, let her know that her place in life has been for a good purpose and that she is a wonderful person. I did that for Athena too. (And consequently she does that for me, even though I am still kicking). I guess what I came to do, and it's exteremely difficult, I can understand, is that I remove myself from the equation... in terms of my own self-interest. You sound like you are doing a great job being there in all that you can be for him. Which is great, and why we all love you. Because you do give everyone you care about your all, in whatever way that manifests, it comes to you so naturally (I wish I were that focused and so easily in tune with compassion). Unfortunately physical barriers do keep people apart, but the intention counts, and I can guarantee that no matter what he has valued every ounce, every fleck of time he has spent with you while you help him. Once it does happen, I guess my main advice is give yourself grace. Let yourself be, whatever you feel, and whatever you need to do is very valid. Let yourself grieve, beating yourself up, or saying that you're not doing something "in the right way" will only confuse and disrupt things. As you were, and are with him, treat yourself with compassion. I hope that real life situations will be able to understand what you are going through and not cause you undue stress to add onto everything else. You know if you ever want to talk about this deplorable crud, I will listen. My heart goes out to you.
I don't know what else to say, it really really blows that you most likely won't be able to make new moments, or memories with that person. But there is never anything infinite. I actually received word yesterday that my grandmother is in the hospital with water around her lungs and heart, and while I've no idea what that means in terms of her living or dying, I realized, it doesn't matter. That's not my concern, my concern is to make her comfortable, help her be happier, let her know that her place in life has been for a good purpose and that she is a wonderful person. I did that for Athena too. (And consequently she does that for me, even though I am still kicking). I guess what I came to do, and it's exteremely difficult, I can understand, is that I remove myself from the equation... in terms of my own self-interest. You sound like you are doing a great job being there in all that you can be for him. Which is great, and why we all love you. Because you do give everyone you care about your all, in whatever way that manifests, it comes to you so naturally (I wish I were that focused and so easily in tune with compassion). Unfortunately physical barriers do keep people apart, but the intention counts, and I can guarantee that no matter what he has valued every ounce, every fleck of time he has spent with you while you help him.
Once it does happen, I guess my main advice is give yourself grace. Let yourself be, whatever you feel, and whatever you need to do is very valid. Let yourself grieve, beating yourself up, or saying that you're not doing something "in the right way" will only confuse and disrupt things. As you were, and are with him, treat yourself with compassion.
I hope that real life situations will be able to understand what you are going through and not cause you undue stress to add onto everything else. You know if you ever want to talk about this deplorable crud, I will listen. My heart goes out to you.
thanks. I appreciate your words more than you know. showing myself grace is so much harder than showing it to other people.
at some point today i should probably get it together and stop crying at my desk and get some work done.
Life is so unfair isn't it. Young people like this aren't meant to die. It should be old people, or nasty people, or people who have abused their bodies and brought it on themselves. It's not fair. I recently lost a loved one, and due to distance factors I was also unable to go and visit her while she was ill. I felt so guilty for that, and very useless, and selfish for not dropping everything and being there, when everyone else was. But in the last few weeks of her life, she wasn't herself anymore. She was hardly there. And of my family who were there every night by her bedside, they all said how horrible it was to see her like that - she wasn't the strong tough lady who they know and love, and watching her struggle to get her own breath and seeing her writhing in pain was torturous. When she did pass away, I was able to take solace in the fact that my last memories of her were happy ones, in her own home pottering about, with the baby in her lap, listening to my stories and laughing. I know you feel useless not being there, and I know you feel like you should be there to see him, but at least this way if he does pass away, then you can remember him as that lovely sweet caring guy in the coffee shop, or that strong gentle giant going off to iraq, or other happy memories that you shared together. He knows that you care and that's the main thing. You can't do much more than that really, than to love and to care. Who could ask for more. Continue with the cards and letters, I think that's really sweet. Let him know that if ever he needs someone to talk to, you are only a phone call away. Maybe get in touch with his family and see if you can help them at all, in any way. They're going to need all the support they can get. At times like this, I'm so so grateful for my faith. For the knowledge that there is somebody up there who will listen to me and who I won't be too embarrassed to cry to. And someone who is so natural caring and loving that he will love and care for your friend also. And having the faith that whatever happens, it will be for the best. Because it is, you know. Sometimes it doesn't seem that way, and sometimes we can't understand it.
I recently lost a loved one, and due to distance factors I was also unable to go and visit her while she was ill. I felt so guilty for that, and very useless, and selfish for not dropping everything and being there, when everyone else was. But in the last few weeks of her life, she wasn't herself anymore. She was hardly there. And of my family who were there every night by her bedside, they all said how horrible it was to see her like that - she wasn't the strong tough lady who they know and love, and watching her struggle to get her own breath and seeing her writhing in pain was torturous. When she did pass away, I was able to take solace in the fact that my last memories of her were happy ones, in her own home pottering about, with the baby in her lap, listening to my stories and laughing. I know you feel useless not being there, and I know you feel like you should be there to see him, but at least this way if he does pass away, then you can remember him as that lovely sweet caring guy in the coffee shop, or that strong gentle giant going off to iraq, or other happy memories that you shared together.
He knows that you care and that's the main thing. You can't do much more than that really, than to love and to care. Who could ask for more. Continue with the cards and letters, I think that's really sweet. Let him know that if ever he needs someone to talk to, you are only a phone call away. Maybe get in touch with his family and see if you can help them at all, in any way. They're going to need all the support they can get.
At times like this, I'm so so grateful for my faith. For the knowledge that there is somebody up there who will listen to me and who I won't be too embarrassed to cry to. And someone who is so natural caring and loving that he will love and care for your friend also. And having the faith that whatever happens, it will be for the best. Because it is, you know. Sometimes it doesn't seem that way, and sometimes we can't understand it.
I am grateful for faith too. grateful that we both have something to look forward too, (he is a believer as well) and something to put our hope in when everything else is just crap. I had a conversation with someone the other day that I think was timed perfectly because we hadnt gotten this updated diagnosis and the conversation i had was all about the beautiful reality of the future we have.
I try my hardest not to act scared when i talk to him, or to let this be what we talk about. I desperately search for silly and goofy and funny stories to tell him so that he can laugh, but sometimes hearing him laugh on the phone hurts too because he sounds so tired when he does it.
its just such an overwhelming feeling and in the midst of the craziness of life, stopping to just sit and cry for a while doesnt come easily and is so draining.
Quote: from polio at 11:22 am on Feb. 24, 2012 Alternative methods DO work and there are many people alive today who can vouch for it.If they recovered, AM had nothing to do with it. And with that I'm leaving this thread I've already derailed this enough, this thread isn't about hokum. Its sad how little you know.
Alternative methods DO work and there are many people alive today who can vouch for it.If they recovered, AM had nothing to do with it. And with that I'm leaving this thread I've already derailed this enough, this thread isn't about hokum.
Alternative methods DO work and there are many people alive today who can vouch for it.
And with that I'm leaving this thread I've already derailed this enough, this thread isn't about hokum.
Guys, really not the right place... Please stop arguing, or take it to PM or something.
Quote: from Kaijuu at 6:24 pm on Feb. 24, 2012 A lot of people think like you. That why so many have to suffer through chemo. And with thinking like yours many people like the OP have to watch their loved ones suffer and die. Its lovely how you tell her to give up.I absolutely do not tell her to give up. I also do not give her false hope in bullshit alternative 'treatments'. People think like me because it's rational, logical and simply science. So many suffer through chemo and live, and many do not suffer much at all through chemo. Fact is there are a lot of people today that wouldn't be alive without it. Chemo isn't perfect, but it's been proven to work, which is more than i can say for alternative 'medicine'. It's nothing more than a placebo and quacks make money off it, it's disgusting.
A lot of people think like you. That why so many have to suffer through chemo. And with thinking like yours many people like the OP have to watch their loved ones suffer and die. Its lovely how you tell her to give up.
So many suffer through chemo and live, and many do not suffer much at all through chemo. Fact is there are a lot of people today that wouldn't be alive without it. Chemo isn't perfect, but it's been proven to work, which is more than i can say for alternative 'medicine'. It's nothing more than a placebo and quacks make money off it, it's disgusting.
Quote: from Kaijuu at 5:12 pm on Feb. 24, 2012 Chemo is never the answer to cancer. You should talk to him about the healthier alternatives that many people ignore. That way even if he was to die using alternative medicines, they wouldn't be destroying his boy and spirit. Don't give up on him yet. It doesn't have to be the end and he needs you. I hate to be negative in a thread like this, but no absolutely not. Alternative 'medicine' is alternative for a reason, it's a bunch of hogwash. Chemotherapy sadly has a lot of side effects and can often make a person feel worse whilst only extending their life a little bit, but that's not always the case. How people respond to cancer very much depends on the individual and the type of cancer, but I would absolutely not tell any of my patients to try alternative medicine. I'd rather they chose nothing at all than give them false hope. My sister's best friend had leukaemia and though his hair fell out from the chemo, he went into remission and hasn't had a recurrence since then. Carie, I am so so sorry, this is such a terrible situation. Cancer is a horrible disease and I sadly know a lot of grim stuff about Burkitt's lymphoma. A lot of times it is really unpredictable and there's not a lot anyone can do. Saying goodbye isn't easy, and even thinking about it can make people swell up, so i know this must feel horrendous. Maybe you could arrange a skype session with him and get his family to bring a laptop to the hospital of something so you can talk to him? Continue with the cards and the phone calls, I'm sure he really appreciates it. Just speak and write about the good times you've had and things like that, keeping it cheery. Thinking about the dark side just tends make you sadder. I don't really know what else to say.
Chemo is never the answer to cancer. You should talk to him about the healthier alternatives that many people ignore. That way even if he was to die using alternative medicines, they wouldn't be destroying his boy and spirit. Don't give up on him yet. It doesn't have to be the end and he needs you.
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