-- Posted by Anonymous at 8:54 am on June 28, 2008 I guess it started last November, I got really really scared about my weight, at the time, I think I weighed 90 pounds, and I was 5'1". In December, I started purging a lot of what I ate. January, I attempting suicide, and was taken into the hospital for ten days, and into outpatient hospitalization for a month. Last May I was back in the hospital for suicide again. I've kept purging, and for a while I was on medicine for a hole in my esophogus (not sure how to spell it, sorry.) and I was told not to eat anything too spicy, too sweet, too sugary, or too salty, and not to purge or I would be on a feeding tube. Well, I stopped purging for a while, but started up again. I'm so scared now about my weight, I am really really scared. The more weight I lose I just feel like I look bigger and bigger. My therapist is getting me a nutritionist that specializes with eating disorders to work with me on calories. All my friends are telling me that this is going to kill me, that I'll be in the hospital again, that I'm going to die, and stuff, and it's really really scary. Part of me just wants to end my life now, and part of me just wants to live. I just keep breaking down crying, and can't stop during the day. I don't know what to do. Please, don't tell me to "Just eat" because, I'm not going to. Right now it seems I have to chose between my happiness and my health, and those are two of the most important things to me. Right now I weigh 75 pounds and I am 5'2" -- Posted by Ad libitum at 8:55 am on June 28, 2008 PLEASE don't try and take your life again. I've been there before, and it's dreadful. Erm, can you see a doctor? -- Posted by Anonymous at 8:58 am on June 28, 2008 Quote: from Ad libitum at 8:55 am on June 28, 2008 PLEASE don't try and take your life again. I've been there before, and it's dreadful. Erm, can you see a doctor? I see one doctor twice a week, one twice a month, one once a month, and soon there'll be another that I'll see once a week. I don't know what to say to them. I'm just really scared. I had a friend that wound up on all of these tubes in her and everything for this. It sounded horrible. -- Posted by dys at 8:58 am on June 28, 2008 well call an eating disorder hotline -- Posted by Anonymous at 9:00 am on June 28, 2008 Quote: from dys at 8:58 am on June 28, 2008 well call an eating disorder hotline I'm sorry, I don't know any. And I don't know what my dad would say if he saw that I called one. To be honest, I'm kind of scared to ask for help. -- Posted by carnage44 at 9:09 am on June 28, 2008 What psychiatric medications are you on because, as we all know, this has nothing to do with food? -- Posted by Aliboo at 9:10 am on June 28, 2008 I don't think you can be happy living how you are. Wanting to take your life and feeling like you are overweight in no way makes you happy. In fact, you are underweight, and you are sick. So, what you need to do is work with your doctors and therapists. Really focus on getting better. You need to realize that your life is a gift, you cant throw it away by destroying yourself like this. You need to work on self acceptance, loving yourself no matter how you look, before you can get fully better. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this, but dont do it alone, ask for help and get better. Stay strong, and good luck. -- Posted by Anonymous at 9:12 am on June 28, 2008 Quote: from Aliboo at 9:10 am on June 28, 2008 I don't think you can be happy living how you are. Wanting to take your life and feeling like you are overweight in no way makes you happy. In fact, you are underweight, and you are sick. So, what you need to do is work with your doctors and therapists. Really focus on getting better. You need to realize that your life is a gift, you cant throw it away by destroying yourself like this. You need to work on self acceptance, loving yourself no matter how you look, before you can get fully better. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this, but dont do it alone, ask for help and get better. Stay strong, and good luck. I'm not happy right now. But I don't feel like I could possibly be happy eating. Ever. -- Posted by Anonymous at 9:12 am on June 28, 2008 Quote: from carnage44 at 9:09 am on June 28, 2008 What psychiatric medications are you on because, as we all know, this has nothing to do with food? Depicoat (Not sure how to spell, sorry.) and Seroquel. -- Posted by carnage44 at 9:24 am on June 28, 2008 Quote: from Anonymous at 12:12 pm on June 28, 2008 Quote: from carnage44 at 9:09 am on June 28, 2008 What psychiatric medications are you on because, as we all know, this has nothing to do with food? Depicoat (Not sure how to spell, sorry.) and Seroquel. Work with your doctor to get these squared away. Try to pinpoint the areas in your life that make you feel helpless and out-of-control, and face them head on. Let your therapist help you do this. That's the best way to attempt to rectify this situation. Good luck. -- Posted by lovestruck13 at 1:01 pm on June 30, 2008 i know it sounds so simple to people who tell you, "well, talk to a therapist. call a hotline. stop purging." i know it's a lot harder than that. i would be anorexic if i wasn't so paranoid. i always have this huge fear of getting caught. and i've tried purging a few times. i've been depressed/suicidal before too, a lot of times because of body image issues. the best thing to do is get professional help. your friends will want to be there for you, but a therapist can help you cope with your body image issues and help you get your life back on track. that's the best advice i can give.