-- Posted by Anonymous at 10:00 pm on Sep. 8, 2008 after 6 years of cutting i have gotten to the point where i have to cut every few hours just to stay living. i know my bf loves me and i have 3 friends. (one of which is close. i just have no clue how to talk to anyone about shit.), but my bf yells at me all the time and just cant stop even tho he wants to and tries not to. he goes to anger management with a psychologist but the doctor thinks there's no problem. i think it would be best if i just got rid of myself so he could stop like he wants to so badly. i have no reason to live. i don't want to let him down. but i also think everyone would be better off without me. i have thought about going to a doctor of some sort recently because i would like to see if antidepressants could do some good for me. but i have no insurance of any type and have problems talking to adults because my teachers and parents and every other adult i have ever known has verbally abused me badly. or anyone for that matter. i was raised to not show emotion unless it was positive. i just don't know what to do. my bf (21) and i (19) live together and we have animals and i don't want to let my cats and dogs down because they love me unconditionally. i just am at a dead end. my arms are scarred beyond belief.. if i continue like this i will be ugly forever unless i kill myself young.. i have attempted to OD and kill myself twice before but i just ended up feeling real sick. and last night i cut so deep i half soaked a bandanna with blood and my arm went tingly and numb. i have no interest in anything i us to be into and cant get myself to enjoy anything even if i force myself to go do it. i just want to sleep all day. my one friend i mentioned earlier, i know us to or still does cut, cause she has scars like mine. she told my bf to stop yelling at me and if he does it around her, she is like "wtf is your problem man" to him. its kinda nice to have someone stick up for me. she is about 27. i don't know what i could say to her tho. i don't much talk unless i have to. i think she would be kool about talking. i just don't know how to start the conversation. and whenever i see her, my bf is always there. i cant even call her cause she lives in the woods and i don't have my own car so i cant get there either. i have parents, but was kicked out when i was 17 cause my parents split and my mom didn't want me and my dad didn't want the responsibility of having me legally under his care. so i haven't seen my mom is about 3 years, and haven't seen my dad in about a year. my did is more like an occasional friend when he isn't out partying than a father. he wasn't there for anything but taking me to school and on vacation when i was younger. my mom was busy dealing with my older sister and her drug addictions and all that crap and she prized my little sister for her swimming and straight A's. and i was just ignored. in school people would spit on me and put gum and balled up paper in my hair and on some occasions physically hurt me. so thats what being a kid was like for me. now they have 2 happy families. and my bf and i are struggling badly financially.. i hate to ramble. so i will just let you imagine the rest. i don't know where to turn.. -- Posted by Alabamarama at 1:55 am on Sep. 9, 2008 Killing yourself won't solve your boyfriend's anger issues. If anything, it'll just make him think it was his fault and make him depressed. The best thing that you can do to help him is stick around and support him, and try to calm him down when he starts yelling.  Your friends also wouldn't be better off without you around. From what you said, you really care about the people in your life and you don't want them to suffer, right? Well, when people care about you they feel the same way. I know it's hard to open up to people, and with what you've been through I can't even imagine how tough it would be, but if you can find a way to let anyone know what you're going through and trust them to support you, you'd be amazed at how much better you'll feel. Your friend, the 27-year-old, would be a good person to talk to, since it sounds like she could relate to what you're going through. Maybe you could ask her about her scars, and get her to open up to you. After that, it would be easier for you to tell her about your problems, and your friendship will be that much more solid because of it. Next time you see her, if your boyfriend is around, you could just pull her to the side and ask her if she wouldn't mind getting together with you one-on-one, just to talk. It's hard to ask someone to help you, but it's the first step towards getting better and in the end you'll be happy that you had the courage to try. Loss of interest and lethargy are both physical manifestations of depression; if you find a way to get past the depression, then chances are you'll find your interests and inspirations coming back to you. Going to a psychiatrist would help, if you're able to talk about your problems. Abuse is a very difficult thing to get over, but with the right help from someone who knows what they're doing, it's not impossible. Maybe it would be easier if you had a friend be there with you if you want to go to a doctor, just for moral support. Maybe you could just talk to your pets about what's wrong, and figure out exactly what you want to say. I know it sounds kind of crazy to talk to animals, but lots of times it's them who can be the best listeners and comforters. Maybe you could write down everything, like you did in this post, and then give it to someone if that would be easier than talking about it. Anti-depression meds would probably work wonders, but it's the getting them that's the problem. The cuts on your arms will heal eventually, and there are ways to hide them and even get rid of smaller ones. Here's the problem: you cut yourself because of your problems, but then the scars become one of those problems. It's hard to quit, I know, but if you can start to get over the other causes of your problems, then you can start to wean yourself away from cutting, and eventually you'll be able to stop altogether. The trick is to believe that you can do it, to really put your heart and soul into getting better. After all, your life could depend on it, and it would make your boyfriend and your friends very happy to see you truly improving. An unsupportive family is never a good way to start out a life, and being picked on in school makes it even worse. But, sometimes it's best just to put the past behind you and make do with what you have, instead of wishing that it had turned out better. When you can find it in you, a truly positive attitude could help you turn your life around. It would be easier to get a good-paying job, it would make your relationships better, and it would make you feel better about your life. Your family wasn't good to you, so make a new one. Friends and lovers can be just as much of a family as blood relatives can be, given the chance. Even your pets are part of your family; you love them and they love you, and you can trust them with anything. If it would help, you could go and see your parents and your siblings, and say anything you need to say to them. If nothing else, it'll give you closure and let you know for sure what the situation is. Confronting the people who gave you the faulty foundations could help a lot, and you might even find a new connection with some of them. I really hope that you find a way to get past everything and find your place in life, and I believe that if you try hard enough it'll all be worth it. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I know the informality of the internet makes it easier to open up, so here's a good place to start. From what you wrote, it sounds like you really want to solve your problems, and the last thing I want to say is that the only way you can know that it won't work is if you don't try. Suicide won't solve anything; it will get you away from your problems, but it won't fix any of them. If you can find the courage to continue, then you can improve your life and the lives of the people that you love.