-- Posted by Shinto at 1:56 am on Sep. 10, 2008 My need to control situations and manipulate has a lot to do with my abandonment issues. I'm afraid to get close to people because I don't know how to do it. I don't know how you're supposed to do it. I still have no idea how to reach out to people in any genuine way. The person I'm closest to now, I've lied about virtually every aspect of my history. And the way I learned to love things was to choke em to death. Ya know, "don't go anywhere, dont leave, you have to stay here". Hopefully, I won't fuck this up by being too controlling. -- Posted by osmoticdespair at 2:03 am on Sep. 10, 2008 You just have to push through the agony of it and force yourself to behave in unfamiliar and uncomfortable ways. Despite both real and imagined risks in doing so, despite fear and despite pain. And realise that being abandoned, being alone, although itself very uncomfortable is not the end of the world. -- Posted by Bres LiveWire at 2:05 am on Sep. 10, 2008 I suffer from abandonment issues as well.. thoughI find myself doing the complete opposite. Feel free to send me a message sometime.   -- Posted by Shinto at 2:13 am on Sep. 10, 2008 Quote: from osmoticdespair at 2:03 am on Sep. 10, 2008 not the end of the world. I was tired of not having a friend at age 8. Its about 12 years overdue post end of the world. I truly feel I have a soul of emotion to offer to just about anyone, but what I instead portray is arrogance and general superfluous behavior that attracts people but doesn't invite or heart warm. I would like for someone to tell me they personally care for me. I'm also self-conscious in that aspect. I feel empty, I feel a lot of sorrow, unhappiness. Basically, I feel I don't deserve compassion. -- Posted by osmoticdespair at 2:22 am on Sep. 10, 2008 Quote: from Shinto at 10:13 am on Sep. 10, 2008 Quote: from osmoticdespair at 2:03 am on Sep. 10, 2008 not the end of the world. I was tired of not having a friend at age 8. Its about 12 years overdue post end of the world. No. It hurts. Recognise the difference between pain/suffering and the end of the world. I truly feel I have a soul of emotion to offer to just about anyone, but what I instead portray is arrogance and general superfluous behavior that attracts people but doesn't invite or heart warm. So bite the bullet and allow yourself to be a bit more vunerable around people. Yes that will hurt, but you're already hurting, what more do you have to lose? Is the risk of losing it worth what you could potentially gain? I would like for someone to tell me they personally care for me. We'd all like that. Everyone of us. Some of us feel awkward or embarrassed about that sort of thing, but no-one wants to be unloved and uncared for. Think about what you need to give in order to be cared for and give it to the people around you. I'm also self-conscious in that aspect. I feel empty, I feel a lot of sorrow, unhappiness. Basically, I feel I don't deserve compassion. No-one "deserves" anything really, in the sense of being entitled to it. But if you feel unworthy think of things you can do for other people that will make you feel valuable. Think about what you can contribute to society around you then do it. Volunteer, help out people in need, comfort people who are unhappy. You still might not feel worth anything when you do those things, but you will be of actual value to people whether they realise it or not, and that's not nothing, its something. It will also give people a side of you to see that isn't cockiness and defensive arrogance.