-- Posted by 1515 at 1:24 pm on Oct. 12, 2008 this is so hard to write. i have come to a brick wall and i just dont know how im going to get thro this. i hate myself so much right now i feel totally worthless and pathetic. i dont feel i have anyone to turn to anymore cos everyone is so sick of hearing about me being depressed. i used to be happy, funny and had really good friends. i still have my friends but i moved away so im miles from any of them. the past events in the last 4 years (all 4 grandparents passing away, attempting university then failing, and moving away) have finally come upon me and i feel like nothing can stop me feeling this way. i cant see past the day ahead of me and i feel sick to think about my future. i dont want to be here, i dont want to die, i just wish i could disappear without anyone knowing. i have weird obessesions that are drving me to breaking point, it sounds crazy but i cant take my mind off this one actress and i search for hours and hours to find out more about her. its making me sick she is so beautiful and has so much talent and i have nothing. i really struggle to see any worth in my life, there is none. i cant eat and have to force myself to eat anything cos i know i have to. the other night i nearly made myself sick because i ate something then regretted it. i have never been concerned with my weight before, i know im not fat. i just dont have any control over anything anymore. i really dont know what else to do. i have been referred by my doctor to someone else to help but that could take up to a month and i dont think i can cope that long. my life could be so god, i have a loving family, a nice home, i worked hard and school and got good grades yet im ruining it and making a mess of everythng, i feel such a failure thanks for reading i would really appreciate some feedback cos i just dont know how im going to get out of this. -- Posted by hawaiinchuck at 11:31 pm on Oct. 12, 2008 Hm. Sounds like you need something to do to occupy your time! See i get depressed, and start thinking WAY too much when i'm, basically, bored. And from the sound of it, you have a bunch on your shoulders. From your Grandparents deaths, to wanting to succeed in your education. Seems like you're stuck in a rut, and you don't know what to do. Well, i'm kind of in that same spot. Just out of high school. My parents and close relatives all have horrible health, 3 of which in the hospital, and 1 with alzheimers. The only thing keeping me sane (relatively, har har) is my job. It's the only thing that i can go away from everything, and just totally loose my mind in, and be safe about it. That's what i think you need to do. I think you need to find SOMETHING, anything, to indulge in. Whether it be a job, or some sort of group/club/organization. Something to make you feel wanted. Hell, even church would work. Personally, i aint a religious guy. But i can see how it would make someone feel wanted and appreciated. -- Posted by 1515 at 11:13 am on Oct. 16, 2008 hey thanks for replying. im feeling a bit calmer now, definitely not happy but im not in such a crisis state of mind! im at university so i spend all day working which is a pretty good distraction. the weekend is a killer tho but im working on trying to keep myself distracted. altho im not sure if working really makes me feel wanted hehe.