-- Posted by Jman19 at 9:22 pm on Oct. 28, 2008 Let me just say that the reason I'm writing this is because I find writing to be a good way of getting my feelings out. It's therapeutic, so I don't expect comments, I just enjoy writing. This is a true story, by the way. -- As I sit in this dimly-lighted room, with the curtains partially shut, my eyes hover towards an old shoe box carelessly placed on the desk under a mound of papers. Curious, I open the lid and look inside. In it, is a photograph. Twenty smiles look back at me. There stand twenty young men with their arms folded loosely across their chests, and half pulled-up socks streaked with mud and grass stains. It takes me a couple of seconds to realize that I too am in that photograph. In the center of the front row, with a leather ball under one arm, I stand. My hair is untidy, and my uniform unkempt. I am smiling a proud smile, unaware of the fate that lies ahead. I seem so familiar, yet at the same time, I struggle to recognize myself. Putting the photograph to one side, I focus my eyes back to the computer monitor. I cannot concentrate, and instead pick up the photograph once more. As I scan the smiling faces in front of me, my mind begins to wander. I squint to see the date in the right-hand corner: 26/10/07, just over one year ago. I am bombarded by a flood of memories, feelings, heartache, and pain. Just ten days after that photograph was taken, my life was forever changed. Little did I know, that that was the last badly-taken team photograph that I would ever pose in. The moment the car started flipping, I thought I was going to die. I don't remember much at all about the actual accident in the few seconds that I blacked out, but I can remember the song that was playing on the radio. Co-incidentally, it was the 'our song' in my relationship with my girlfriend. When I think back on past year, I experience so many mixed emotions. I feel anger, sadness, depression, pain, but ironically in a way, I also feel happiness, a sense of accomplishment, and I am forever thankful. I look back, and I think 'Wow. How did I ever manage to survive watching the same twenty movies over and over for months?' or 'Damn. Thank goodness there were a few pretty nurses, or I think I would have lost it,' and 'Man. I remember the first time they wanted me to get out of bed and into a wheelchair, I thought that it was seriously April Fools,' and I smile sadly, because I remember the doctor's comical expression when I asked him how my sex life would be affected, 'I can still you know, um, have sex, right?' I look back on on the surgeries, and procedures. It seemed that after recovering from one, I'd have another; an endless string of scars. I honestly wonder how I managed to get through them all without going completely insane.  I had a support system, yes, but I wouldn't say that my family was completely supportive of me, they were more shocked than anything. I also remember getting a text saying that my now ex-girlfriend was pregnant, and thinking 'What?! There must be some mistake,' I vowed to find out who 'knocked her up', and to kick his ass as best I could, and then I found out that it was in fact, my 'best' friend. I cannot explain what a punch to the stomach that was; not only had she left me in the time I needed her most, but she was pregnant with my best friend's baby. Talk about betrayal... And then I remember some of the good times, although outnumbered by the bad, over the past year. I remember being so excited when I popped my first wheelie, and screaming for one of the therapists to come running. She frantically burst into the room, thinking something was wrong. I laughed, and said that I had just 'popped a wheelie', and she scolded me for almost giving her a heart attack. I remember feeling such a great sense of pride that day, and thinking how different I would have felt a few months before. I probably would have scoffed and laughed, but it was such a huge accomplishment for me. Every day, though I wake up and wonder if my wish of walking again has come true, I still feel that sense of accomplishment. Learning to get myself ready independently in less than two hours is something I have recently mastered, and that means so much to me. I have learned to value all the things that I took for granted before, and every day, aim to accomplish my goals, though they may seem minuscule. Just getting through the day, for me, is like winning a grand final. So, although the last year has without doubt, been the most difficult year I have ever experienced, I can also say that it has also been the most eye-opening. I have discovered a strength within myself, stronger than anything I have ever known. I have found the true meaning of strength, of accomplishment, of appreciation. Through all the pain, and the heartache, and the memories, I have found a new appreciation for life, and although I am still struggling in coming to terms with the new me, I have learned that my paralysis does not define me by any means, but rather, is just a small part of who I am as a person. I study the photograph one last time before putting it back in the shoe box. I realize that that cheesy grin, and those freckled arms, and everything else that defines me as a person are still there. I am still Jay, and although closer to the ground, Jay is still me. -- So yeah. As I said, I find writing a good way to get my feelings out, so those are just some ramblings. -- Posted by xoAllixs0n at 9:22 pm on Oct. 28, 2008 =0] Yes, youre finally venting <3 -- Posted by Mr Speed at 9:23 pm on Oct. 28, 2008 great u vented ur feelings on LW.. -- Posted by Taylor636Baker at 9:27 pm on Oct. 28, 2008 Oh my gosh Jay That was amazing =] I didn't know you could write like that! -- Posted by Spiderbaby at 9:29 pm on Oct. 28, 2008 TL:DR -- Posted by AcidSilence at 9:33 pm on Oct. 28, 2008 Wow man this was crazy.... I'm so sorry love... If you ever need to talk, message me for sure, okay? Your very inspiring, and you write VERY good. Perhaps you'd write a book one day about everything happening? I once read a book called The Burn Journals. Wow....amazing book. One of my favorite reads. Im sure you could write a book like that also. -- Posted by sour candy at 7:43 am on Oct. 29, 2008 damn...yeh u do write well u should write a book one day about it (id buy it)