Pages: 1 2 3 4  Next -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 7:32 am on Oct. 29, 2008 Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted." From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!" Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways. On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you". The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!" At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program. RULES OF THE AIRWAYS Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory. Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous. Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first! Everyone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again. The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival. Was that a landing or were we shot down? Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. Trust your captain.... but keep your seat belt securely fastened. Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline. Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind. A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman. Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs. There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots! Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw! Gravity SUCKS!! At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off. Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of those long international flights to kill time... Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes. When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud. When there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes. Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it. Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar. Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places. Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!". Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed. "Accidental" soda spill on the dork next to you. Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't". Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!". Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you. Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane. Start a hot dog stand. Steal businessman's laptop, play solitaire on it. Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put super glue in your underpants that morning. Pick your nose and pat the person next to you. Show off your Batman underwear. Switch accents and see if anyone notices. Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm. Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger. Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says "e". Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do they call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world. Don't use deodorant, then "accidentally" stick your armpit in someone's face. Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it. Snort when you laugh. Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same. Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-ha!". With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Never mind. Do you have any towels?". Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!". Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best then the person looks nothing like the movie star in question) If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off. Pretend you're flying the plane. Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang. Take over the plane with a toy gun. Yell to someone "Is it time to hijack the plane yet?" (Note: Do this when there are stewardess nearby). To the person next to you, say "It's amazing that they didn't notice the grenade in my luggage. Things Not To Say During Childbirth.... -- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth. -- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts? -- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes. -- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball. -- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner? -- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar. -- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment. -- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy. -- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut? -- Stop your swearing and just breathe. -- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words. -- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there. Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!" Q. Do you know the true reason for all of these blonde jokes? A. Brunettes and redheads think they look smart making them all up! Q. What do you call a brunette between two blondes??? A. LUCKY! (She finally gets some attention!) Q. What's black and blue and lying in a ditch? A. A Redhead who has told one too many dumb blonde jokes. Q. What does a redhead miss the most at a party? A. The Invitation ! Q. Why are there so many blonde jokes? A. Because the blondes are out with all the men, the brunettes and redheads have nothing better to do on Friday and Saturday nights. there will be more jokes soon -- Posted by Touchme Teaseme at 7:36 am on Oct. 29, 2008 Ha nice -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 7:38 am on Oct. 29, 2008 well heres another one just for you touchme teaseme Spell Checker I halve a spelling checker, It came with my pea see. It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I dew knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait aweigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the era rite Its rarely ever wrong. I've scent this massage threw it, And I'm shore your pleased too no Its letter prefect in every weigh; My checker tolled me sew. -- Posted by JC at 7:41 am on Oct. 29, 2008 none of those "things to do on an aeroplane" were funny -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 7:44 am on Oct. 29, 2008 Things people actually said in court, word for word: Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 7:45 am on Oct. 29, 2008 In a courtroom, a pursesnatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened. She says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere." At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!" -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 7:46 am on Oct. 29, 2008 The big list of fun stuff to do in that boring ol' courtroom of law... 1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking. 2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the defendant when the judge isn't looking. 3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is present. 4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your head and quiver. 5. Stand up and yell "OBJECTION!" to everything the judge says. EVERYTHING. 6. If you're the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under your table. 7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off into space and blow spit bubbles. 8. Sing "The Song That Never Ends" incessantly. 9. Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips and motion that you'll "call him" 10. Actually call him 11. Bring a kazoo. 12. Act like you're doing something important, and ask them to "keep it down" 13. Every time the judge uses the gavel, keel over backwards and act like you've been shot. 14. Bring a Gameboy and leave the volume at full. 15. Wait until everybody is completely focused on the trial, then blow a referee's whistle as loud as you can. Point to the person next to you and tell him to "stop it!" 16. Pretend you turn into a pig when you get wet. Douse yourself in cold water and act like one. 17. Call the judge a wuss when he issues the death penalty. When he accuses you of contempt of the court, look puzzled and ask him what it means. When he answers, object. 18. Dress up like Santa Claus 19. Drink all of your lawyer's water, then ask for more. Then ask to go to the bathroom. 20. Hiccup every time somebody says the word "the" 21. Change your plea every five minutes 22. If you're the judge, call the defendant the plaintiff, the plaintiff a lawyer, the witness a juror, and the jurors defendants. Call the lawyers "Barney" 23. Gurgle into the microphone. 24. Complain aloud about that nasty wedgie you have, then take a poll of others in the audience if they too have a nasty wedgie. 25. If in traffic court, when asked to stand, walk over to the judge and issue him a parking ticket on his desk. 26. When asked to produce evidence, pick your nose, smear the snot on the table, point to it and say, "From this it is obvious, I am not guilty!" 27. Wear those X-Ray vision glasses from Halloween, when someone walks past, stare them up and down then shake head in dismay. 28. Popcorn and a large coke, if anyone asks about it, show them your ticket and say "I'm a paying customer!". 29. Fart, pause momentarily, and comment under your breath, "I've done better..." 30. Fart again later on, take a deep breath and state enthusiastically "Now that's more like it!". 31. Bring a Lego replica of the courtroom, including Lego people, and imitate everything happening, including voices! 32. When pronounced guilty, reply "How about we try that again, this time Rock, Scissors, Paper - best of three!" 33. Bring toaster and wave a box of "Tropical Sprinkles Pop Tarts" around while asking "Where's a damn plug around here!". -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 7:51 am on Oct. 29, 2008 A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend. 'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend. -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 7:53 am on Oct. 29, 2008 here you go one last one unless somebody replies A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."   After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.   After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth." -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 8:02 am on Oct. 29, 2008 i am bored so here is another joke. Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!" -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 8:07 am on Oct. 29, 2008 Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers. -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 8:13 am on Oct. 29, 2008 Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit. -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 8:39 am on Oct. 29, 2008 A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game. -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 11:11 am on Oct. 29, 2008 A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T." The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?" The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday." -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 11:13 am on Oct. 29, 2008 Crazy things to do in an elevator: Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!" Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. Sell Girl Scout cookies. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. Shave. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. When at your floor, strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. One word: Flatulence! Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" Meow occasionally. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. Frown and mutter "Gotta go...Gotta go..." then sigh and say "Oops!" Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side. Stare at a  passenger and announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. Burp, and then say "Mmmm... tasty!" Leave a box between the doors. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. Start a sing-along. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?" Play the harmonica. Shadow box. Say "Ding!" at each floor. Lean against the button panel. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and inform the other passengers that this is your "personal space." Bring a chair along. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" Blow spit bubbles. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch! -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 2:53 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 Things you should never say to a cop when he pulls you over: 20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people? 17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job. 16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer. 15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 14. Bad cop. No donut. 13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you? 12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops? 10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? 9. I pay your salary 8. So uh, you on the take or what? 7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning. 6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me. 4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. 3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. 2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. 1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches? -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 2:54 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA. Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!" Officer says "Yes." Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture. -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 2:55 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 2:56 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. "No," the man replied. "You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained. "But I did slow down!" the guy argued. The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs." The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?" The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down." -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 2:57 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 Top Ten Inspirational Sayings We'd Like to See at the Nurse's Station 10. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 9. If at first you don't succeed...try management. 8. TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself. 7. Hang in there....retirement is only 35 years away! 6. Go the extra mile...it makes your supervisor look incompetent. 5. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. 4. Administration...we waste time so you don't have to. 3. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 2. A person who smiles in the face of adversity, probably has a scapegoat. 1. Succeed in spite of Administration -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 2:58 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 Navy Retirement The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied... "Vietnam." -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 3:00 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 TRUE MEANING OF MALE STATEMENTS Statement: "I'm a Romantic." True Meaning: "I'm poor." Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about." True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." Statement: "I really want to get to know you better." True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it." Statement: "She's kinda cute." True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary." Statement: "I don't know if I like her." True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me." Statement: "Was it good for you?" True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood." Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night." True Meaning: "Who are you?" Statement: "Do you love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out." Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later." Statement: "How much do you love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now." Statement: "I have something to tell you." True Meaning: "Get tested." Statement: "I've been thinking a lot." True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." Statement: "I think we should just be friends." True Meaning: "You're ugly." Statement: "I've learned a lot from you." True Meaning: "Next!!!!" Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine." -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 3:01 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!" -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 3:03 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..." -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 3:04 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 DOG RULES 1. The dog is not allowed in the house. 2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms. 3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture. 4. The dog can get on the old furniture only. 5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed. 6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation. 7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers. 8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only 9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night. 10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog. -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 3:05 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have alot in common." -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 3:07 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man. "OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice. The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again. "Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice, "Again?" -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 3:09 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion. "What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green." He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly. Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion. "What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green." "No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got two over par." -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 3:12 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle. Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley." -- Posted by bexbex2008 at 3:13 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 IF MEN GOT PREGNANT 1. Maternity leave would last two years... with full pay. 2. There would be a cure for stretch marks. 3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete. 4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem. 5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective. 6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained. 7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment. 8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute. 9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM. 10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags. 11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes. 12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy. 13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's. 14. Women would rule the world. Pages: 1 2 3 4  Next