-- Posted by Lady Catastrophic at 3:15 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 Exempt from the world's reality Indiscretion was her only option. Watching the lifeless soul, Frigid to her fingertips Chills rattle her insides With closed eyes she breathes it all in Puking on her way out. Could've, should've been her. But that is all in the past now Thoughts were racing through her head She was spinning with tears rolling down her face Another line or too and it all became clear She grabbed her coat on her way out Looking for her newest scapegoat. ----- A little info behind my shitty poem is an idea for a book! It is about a girl with a normal life, a normal family, and normal friends. She doesn't know why she turned out the way she did, but she had come to accept it. She moved out of her house after finishing only 2 years of College, running away from the normalcy that ran her life and got a job as a bartender in a run down bar. Here is where she gets mixed in with the wrong guy who introduces her to coke. It slowly takes over her life, creating a large sum of debt and quickly turns her into a con-artist who befriends women who look like her. She steals their identity, and goes about life simply doing that. She steals the different womens identity to avoid prosecution, and having a different name every other week keeps the drug dealers from finding her. It leads to a death, and a killing spree, that even surprised herself... Ehhh whatchu think? Toss? Keep? -- Posted by Lady Catastrophic at 3:20 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 Haha any feedback? -- Posted by ThaFish at 3:21 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 The poem is good, could be better. Depends what kind of feel you're going for. At the moment it feels pretty average-teenagerish, takes itself seriously, lots of overt emotion, melodrama etc. If it was grittier and more self-deprecating I'd like it. The story is not entirely original, but has enough to it that, if well-written, could be engaging and very entertaining. First, though, you have to learn to stop using fake words like "normalcy" (that is not a word) and improve your grammar. Well, I guess you can get proofreaders to do that for you, but nobody will really take you seriously as a writer unless you can, well, actually write. Unless you're dyslexic or course, in which case pardon me. No offence meant either way. But yeah, could be a pretty good story. Work on it, I'd like to see what you come up with. -- Posted by Lady Catastrophic at 3:23 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 Quote: from ThaFish at 4:21 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 The poem is good, could be better. Depends what kind of feel you're going for. At the moment it feels pretty average-teenagerish, takes itself seriously, lots of overt emotion, melodrama etc. If it was grittier and more self-deprecating I'd like it. The story is not entirely original, but has enough to it that, if well-written, could be engaging and very entertaining. First, though, you have to learn to stop using fake words like "normalcy" (that is not a word) and improve your grammar. Well, I guess you can get proofreaders to do that for you, but nobody will really take you seriously as a writer unless you can, well, actually write. Unless you're dyslexic or course, in which case pardon me. No offence meant either way. But yeah, could be a pretty good story. Work on it, I'd like to see what you come up with. http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=define%3A+normalcy Google is your friend. -- Posted by ThaFish at 3:26 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 Eurgh god. Embarassing. Well personally I would use "normality", but if the US says "normalcy" is a word, I guess we all agree. :/ -- Posted by save the world at 3:27 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 Quote: from xsharpi at 11:15 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 It is about a girl with a normal life, a normal family, and normal friends. She doesn't know why she turned out the way she did, but she had come to accept it. She moved out of her house after finishing only 2 years of College, running away from the normalcy that ran her life and got a job as a bartender in a run down bar. Here is where she gets mixed in with the wrong guy who introduces her to coke. It slowly takes over her life, creating a large sum of debt and quickly turns her into a con-artist who befriends women who look like her. She steals their identity, and goes about life simply doing that. She steals the different womens identity to avoid prosecution, and having a different name every other week keeps the drug dealers from finding her. It leads to a death, and a killing spree, that even surprised herself... I'd squeeze all that but the last sentence into the introduction, a prologue or perhaps a chapter and develop the plot from there. Otherwise, it rings too many bells, if you know what I mean. -- Posted by Lady Catastrophic at 3:28 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 Quote: from ThaFish at 4:26 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 Eurgh god. Embarassing. Well personally I would use "normality", but if the US says "normalcy" is a word, I guess we all agree. :/ Hahah don't worry about it, I coudn't think of a better word... -- Posted by ThaFish at 3:28 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 Quote: from Save the world at 3:27 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 Quote: from xsharpi at 11:15 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 It is about a girl with a normal life, a normal family, and normal friends. She doesn't know why she turned out the way she did, but she had come to accept it. She moved out of her house after finishing only 2 years of College, running away from the normalcy that ran her life and got a job as a bartender in a run down bar. Here is where she gets mixed in with the wrong guy who introduces her to coke.    It slowly takes over her life, creating a large sum of debt and quickly turns her into a con-artist who befriends women who look like her. She steals their identity, and goes about life simply doing that. She steals the different womens identity to avoid prosecution, and having a different name every other week keeps the drug dealers from finding her. It leads to a death, and a killing spree, that even surprised herself... I'd squeeze all that but the last sentence into the introduction, a prologue or perhaps a chapter and develop the plot from there. Otherwise, it rings too many bells, if you know what I mean. He's got a point. Listen to this guy, he's evidently a better critic than me. ;) -- Posted by Lady Catastrophic at 3:30 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 Quote: from Save the world at 4:27 pm on Oct. 29, 2008 I'd squeeze all that but the last sentence into the introduction, a prologue or perhaps a chapter and develop the plot from there. Otherwise, it rings too many bells, if you know what I mean. I gotta develop her character and life a bit more, as well as the detective who will be following her case. (BTW in the end it is not DRUG DEALERS killing off these people, but her alternate personality. She didn't have a clue about it until the end)