-- Posted by Anonymous at 12:34 pm on Nov. 16, 2008 I've never been good at problem solving. I always need a hand, so would appreciate any input. What I need help with mainly is my inability to actually do much in public. Leaving my house, getting the bus into work, actually making the day through work and dealing with all the little particulars in between seems impossible daily and despite the fact that I can do it, it's wearing on me emotionally and physically. I don't want to go to the doctors for help (which even the thought of is enough to set me off in a panic) and, well, I've never been a fan of going to a doctor for help (unless a limb is falling off or something). I've gotten through most everything else in my life on my own so I know I'm strong enough to do it. I'm just not sure how to tackle it because it all seems to terrifying. Little things can set me off. I had to get on a bus the other day and was the last to get on. I wasn't sure of the ticket price so I had to ask and doing something as simple as that had me sweating and shaking, my heart going faster than I really care for and it took me a good 20 minutes to calm down when I was seated (the bus was pretty packed so walking from the driver to a seat felt like torture). I'm reluctant to give all of this a name. It doesn't really matter, I suppose, but if I outline how being in public and being with people (other than those I've known a long time and am relatively comfortable with) makes me feel, I suppose it might help me find some sort of solution or way of coping. - The thought of doing something new absolutely terrifies me to the point where I can't sleep or eat. I think about it almost constantly. I cry, feel physically sick (sometimes am physically sick). These new things can range from absolutely anything - going into a shop I've never been in before, going for a job interview (I only applied for jobs online), asking my boss for something, going to a new place in work, working with new people, etc. It can be absolutely anything. - A huge amount of the time, I get myself out of having to do these new things. I don't bother going shopping, I'll work and cancel whatever I needed the day off for, I'll not bother making a phonecall or I'll not turn up for an interview. If I can possibly get out of it, I will. - For things I can't get out of doing, actually doing them is... god I can't even describe it. I feel all of the above sort of multiplied. I shake, sweat, vomit, want to die just to get it all over with.   - Normal things that I've gotten used to doing still make me feel sick and still keep me awake all night. I have a job but it's wearing me out. I'm nervous about going to the point of being unable to eat a lot of the time, I don't sleep well the night before I work and I just generally feel incredibly anxious leading up to working and whilst I'm working. - I can't be in crowded places. I get a bus to and from work every day, it takes around an hour. I can't get on a bus if there isn't a place I can sit on my own and I can't get on it if it's too crowded. I have waited up to an hour on a good few occasions for a bus to pass that I feel safe enough to get on. Note that I can be in crowded places if I'm with someone (I still feel anxious, but it's completely manageable). I just can't do it alone. - I can't go shopping alone. - Shall I just leave it here and say that I can do very, very little alone. Including phonecalls and the like. Most things send me into a panic and get me emotionally wrecked. I can't explain this fear. I don't understand it or know WHY I'm scared. I just am and I don't know how to control it or make it better. I'm not making anything easier because I know I'm going through the whole "I can't, I can't" with my thinking. I know I'm being incredibly negative, but I'm not sure how to change it. I try to assure myself all the time telling myself I CAN do things and that nothing bad will happen. It doesn't seem to work too well, but I'll obviously continue doing it. It's just... I feel like I'm going to really snap one day and not be able to do anything (leave me room or house, kind of thing). I feel I'm nearing that point and I DON'T want to let myself get there. When I was at uni last year (I left for many reasons, this being a huge one) I literally didn't leave my room for a week (I had an ensuite bathroom before anyone begins to question how on earth I managed that :P). I couldn't cope with the huge amount of new things around me and the huge amount of new stuff I had to do. I managed two months of living somewhere new, 2 weeks of actual university and all in all I made around 4 classes. I'm going back to uni in September and I need to find a way to cope with this. I think perhaps how bad it's gotten has been influenced by getting raped in June, but I'm not entirely sure. It sort of makes sense, I suppose. I'm not sure I can explain how bad it's gotten. I've attempted suicide because of these feelings in the past and recognise it as an option today (is that allowed? =\ If not, just remove this section instead of the entire post, plz). I'm sick of living like this and I want to change. I suppose I'm just asking for some help with that, because I have no idea where to start. I would love to be independent and just live, you know? Going to a doctor is out of the question. There goes my negativity but even thinking about it sets me off. If it takes me 4 months to make a simple, stupid fucking phonecall, can you imagine how long it'd take me to get to a doctor? It's like there's this massive wall in front of me and actual life and I'm not sure how to get over that wall. I sort of get myself half way over it but when I get stressed or when something small and seemingly insignificant happens to me I'll fall right back down. The wall seems to be getting bigger and I have no idea what on earth to do. I just know I can't go on living like this. It's doing my fucking head in. Locking myself indoors and never leaving the house again has never sounded so appealing. I DO things and I get through the days. I suppose I'm just asking for some help to reduce all the shit that I have to deal with in order to get through a simple day. ps - i've just read all this back and i KNOW it sounds easy. i just have to do things. i don't know why and i wish i could explain it better, but it feels i physically can't do certain things. and when i do do them, i'm ill and have a near breakdown. that can't be normal, can it? edit: I actually had an issue in mind when I wrote this post and completely forgot to include it. =\ I've been invited on the staff xmas night out with work. I tried to get out of it but they've cornered me a bit and although I've not said for definite, they keep going on about wanting me to go. It's in the middle of December and I freak out every time I think about it now. Every single little aspect about the whole thing has been played over and over in my mind, I can't control it. I'm so fucked off that I can't do something as normal as socialising with the people I work with. And then, I can't do the important things. Like go to the opticians, despite not being for over a year and needing new glasses. Going to the doctor's to get all checked up after the rape and a flu jab. Simple things that people should be able to do. And it's making me ill even thinking about it, let alone doing it. Fuck. -- Posted by katyduck at 2:13 pm on Nov. 16, 2008 who else knows about this? -- Posted by Anonymous at 2:21 pm on Nov. 16, 2008 My mum knows how I can sometimes get a wee bit bad and in around April we had a bit of a chat (this was because I freaked out about making a phonecall. I realise I couldn't sound more pathetic right now). She had agoraphobia whilst I was growing up and she told me she understood but that it gets easier. I told two of my closest friends at uni before I left that I was struggling with just small daily tasks. I mean, people know I'm shy. They just don't know what I go through emotionally on a daily basis to get through a day. And they think I'm weird =\ -- Posted by katyduck at 2:31 pm on Nov. 16, 2008 amy, darling, give me a few days. i dont know how much use i'll be, but i want to think about what you've said and i'm super-busy these days. i will get back to you. -- Posted by Maxxie at 12:25 pm on Nov. 21, 2008 I can't explain this fear. I don't understand it or know WHY I'm scared. I just am and I don't know how to control it or make it better. I'm NOT a doctor, but I do recognize your symptoms. Do realize that you have got a mental disorder, probably anxiety disorder. Which results into panic attacks, you know the feeling when your heart starts beating like hell you feel like not being able to breathe, and you think you're dying. That's a panic attack. Look listen to me, the worst thing you can do right now is isolate yourself. This WON'T go away if you just shut yourself off the world, it will get worse that way. The reason you feel constantly tired and not being able to sleep is because your body is stressed. You might not be aware of that but please do try to understand: Your body is in a level of alert all the time, it wont rest. This is NORMAL when there's a real danger, but apparently there's no valid reason for your body to be on alert ready to defend itself. Which is the definition of anxiety disorder, or panic attacks. What do is my suggestion? Seek professional help, they will most likely give you some pills that will help your body relax. Then carry on with your life as normally. I'd suggest you to pick up a sport and start to exercise a lot, it will help you very much to get rid of this disorder. Keep living your life as normally as possible hangout with friends, go working, go to uni, go shopping etc. Because if you just sit home and are scared to face the world it will all just get worse.. besides what's the point with just sitting around at home, who wouldn't get mad of that? I hope I helped you, I know how you're feeling since I used to have some kind of problems with this aswell. And I know how it feels, I had no fucking idea what was wrong with me I thought I had a heart problem or something, but hey look at me I'm doing GREAT if I can do it YOU can do it!!! I hope I helped you out because ElephantStone really wanted me to help you lol.. I think he really cares for you and is going to try to help you aswell.. but hey take care! If you think it's hard to contact a doctor about it then tell your parents.. and they will do it for you.. I'm sure they'll help you :) -- Posted by katyduck at 12:59 pm on Nov. 24, 2008 Amy I think I'm going to be completely useless here. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, and for that reason can't begin to imagine whether anything I say can be of any use to you. It's hard to place yourself in anyone else's situation and extract their emotions from it, let alone this one. Anxiety is an intensely personal experience, something that is unique to you in that nobody else can feel exactly what you are feeling. And for that reason I don't really know how exactly you could adapt to suggestions while in your state of panic. First off, apologies for the EXTREMELY late reply - I've been incredibly busy lately, and when not busy have had a lot of talking to do with some friends who are going through rough patches. You were always at the back of my mind, it's just taken me a few attempts to construct this reply, what with time constraints and everything. Sorry =( I was talking about anxiety with a psychiatrist a few days ago. Not my psychiatrist, someone who was guest speaking at my course to increase understanding of some of the most common psychological problems that we will inevitably come across working in healthcare. Quite a lot of what he said was very interesting, and the take-home message about anxiety was that the worst thing a sufferer can do is to give in to the fear. I mean, these mind-shattering nerves and waves of panic make it almost impossible to set foot out the door at times, but the very worst thing you can do is to sit in as a result of them. As disabling as they might be in relation to living your everyday life, they will disable you more and more if you let them keep you under lock and key. Much easier said than done, I have no idea what it's like to practice what I am preaching, I know, I know... How are your nerves when it comes to repetitive things? You've spoken about how doing simple things like going into a new shop is crippling, but how different would you feel if it was a shop you went into every single day for two or three months on end? Any different at all? You mentioned that going to work is horrible - which would be more frightening for you, going to your current job every day, or starting a new one? Or would they be about the same? I'm trying to get some sort of picture of how your anxiety operates. I guess what I was trying to go with there was whether doing something you're used to doing is easier or not. And if it is easier, then taking baby steps might be of ease when it comes to working up and out of this rut. In another light, how do you feel about things when you have someone else doing them with you? Like when it comes to going shopping, or to the cinema, or for a walk - is it any easier if you have a friend alongside you? I'm not talking about an acquaintance (as I can imagine that the thought of making conversation with them would make you panic all the more), I'm talking about a really good friend that you are super comfortable with, or your mum, or your sister? And if things are easier, perhaps this might be an avenue to explore? I imagine that the thought of doing all these things seems just about impossible, but with someone else there to guide you and give you the support and reassurance of knowing that you're not completely on your own out there, then maybe things would be a wee bit less of an ordeal overall. The only things I can relate this to are the bits of my own life that frighten me - speaking to the doctor about antidepressants for the first time, going for a job interview, attending my first smear test - I'm nervous for them regardless, but if someone else is coming along with me then it does make it that wee corner easier. Whenever you do panic, have you tried any measures of calming you down? Or even distracting yourself somewhat from the anxiety? Things to distract yourself with, like fiddling with something in your hands, squeezing a stressball in your pocket, playing music on an ipod. Or some repetitive phrase that you might use to relax yourself - it sounds corny and cheesy, but some sort of motto you could construct to reassure yourself that this is only a panic attack, it is only temporary, that it's only going to last a few moments and you really are going to be okay. That coupled with breathing exercises - deep breath in through your nose, hold it for a few seconds, then gently release through the mouth. Rinse and repeat. Anything that you think might help you regain control, or at the very least distract you from the lack thereof. One thing that you said in your post got me thinking: I've gotten through most everything else in my life on my own so I know I'm strong enough to do it I don't know if your train of thought is quite correct here or not. Has it ever occurred to you that the fact that you are like this now is because you are not strong enough? Or more so that the things that you've had thrown your way have just been too much for you to cope with on your own? I know they would be for me. I've only experience a tiny fraction of what you've gone through in life, and I ended up in a right mess as a result. I needed help, and I had to get it in the end. That's why I'm not longer spending every waking moment depressed, cutting myself up, thinking of suicide. But you're still stuck in that state, even today, after all this time. Do you really think anything's going to change from here? Do you honestly believe that you can ever be normal? What do you think you would be like, had you done things differently? Could you really be any more unhappy that you are now? I'm sorry, I'm not trying to offend or upset you. I don't want to depress you further. But the fact of the matter is that you've spent years reflecting on how things are and what you should do about them, and you've never actually done what's always been needed. I know you're completely crippled from anxiety, I know you might be at your lowest ebb right now, but can you really afford to go any lower? And if you can't make the moves towards finally becoming happy now, then can you ever? I really can't see this anxiety getting any better on its own... It might seem like the most obvious step from here, but I recognize that actually finding help right now would be extremely difficult for you. A trip to the doctor to talk about this thing probably seems like the most difficult thin in the world right now. So let's take this little steps at a time. I think you should start with your mum. It makes sense. She does have some idea of you experiencing these problems, and she's been through a bit of it herself so she should be able to understand. On top of that, she can help you. She can go places with you, she can try to reassure you and calm you down when you're panicking, she can maybe even help you take those few essential steps to actually getting help and doing something about all of this. On top of that, she loves you, very very much. And I know you might be worried about upsetting her, or think that she already has enough of her plate, but I can guarantee you right here and right now that if she thought her daughter was hurting this badly, she would drop everything for you. No mother would want to have her daughter experiencing all of these things and for her to feel like she cannot tell her mother about it. Let alone a mother hearing about all of it and not wanting to help. She loves you very very much, and she will be there for you 110% if only you'll let her. So take these things one step at a time. Talk to her. Tonight if possible. If you can't manage face-to-face, or have trouble putting all of this into words, write it all down in a letter and show it to her. Just let her know that you're having a pretty hard time of it and that you need her to be there for you. Because she will, if only you ask. Honestly. You deserve all the love in the world right now, and I'm sure she'll want nothing more in the world than to give it to you. -- Posted by Anonymous at 1:53 pm on Nov. 24, 2008 edit: god, i just wrote a load of complete and utter bollocks. i'll probably be back at some point to expand and reply properly. oh also you're an absolute star<3 honestly, i really appreciate it. -- Posted by Anonymous at 4:01 pm on Nov. 25, 2008 My head is somewhat clearer now. I know you're right. What you said about all of this maybe being a sign that I'm not strong enough to cope with it all or that there's just too much of it all for me to cope on my own is true. Everything's so complicated now. I hardly know what the issues are or what it is I'm having to deal with because while I'm trying to deal with one thing something else always fucking happens and it gets so completely muddled. I don't know what hurts anymore and what's healed. Things aren't impossible. The weird thing is that if I'm with someone then I'm ok. I still feel nervy but it's completely ok. A while back, at the start of the year, my friend and I went out to see about getting application forms and the like (I only went because she would be there). In one shop she was too shy to ask for an application form and something took over me and I did it. It was the most bizarre thing but I could do it and I was ok (going crazy in my head, but everything on the outside was controlled). Isn't that so weird? That when I'm on my own I wouldn't have even left the house but if someone is with me it's no real bother. But then, some things seem impossible even with people. Going to the doctors, making a phonecall, interviews, appointments and the like. Those things make me have panic attacks even if someone is with me when I'm doing it. Mostly though, what I'm concerned about is that I know I have to be independent and I know I have to do things on my own. I can't rely on people forever, especially when I go back to uni. I think I can control it all relatively well when I'm outside. I cry a little and shake and my breathing goes mad but if I walk away and keep walking I calm down after 20 minutes or so and it's when I get home that I can lose control. I'm afraid of looking like a fool in public so I don't collapse on the floor crying, y'know? Sometimes I think I'm doing ok, this week has been ok. I couldn't sleep on Sunday and Monday night because of work in the morning and I've been really achy since then because of lack of sleep but other than that I've been ok. Sometimes it's so much easier but then it can get really, really difficult for no reason. Or something does happen to fuck it all up again. Things have been especially bad since what happened in June. I think things have gotten worse because I'm so paranoid about seeing him, y'know? About 4 weeks after it happened, I don't know, he got on my bus and I freaked out. I got off immediately (he sat next to me, can you believe it?) and that's the only time I've ever really lost control in public. I think it makes it worse because on top of all the emotions I'm feeling about going outside, on top of all that anxiety, I'm always on the lookout for him and I'm always aware of all the things that make me feel anxious on my way to work and of the fact that he could possibly get on my bus. It makes things a lot more difficult. I think if I can get over my fear of seeing him (he lives directly in front of me) then things might be a little easier. But who knows. The worst I've ever been was last September at uni and that obviously wasn't connected to the rape. I don't know. I suppose I'm trying to make some sense of why I feel like this but I'm not really getting anywhere, am I? I suppose I should be focusing more on getting myself out of it rather than on how things got like this =\ Anyway, my main point is that I do think you're right. It would appear that I've dealt with everything and that my life is good because things are back on track, especially with my family. Everything is so good but I know that I'm ignoring what's going on in my head. It's too painful to really look at but eventually it all comes spilling out and I end up more miserable than I usually am. I know that I need to tell my mum. That's the only thing I have to do right now because she'll help me with everything else and it won't seem so bad, and if it does it won't matter because she'll be there. I don't know why I'm so scared of just telling her that things are difficult. She and my sister find it so easy to talk about their emotions, my older sister doesn't mind calling her for a good cry or whatever. I can't imagine doing something like that. There's only ever been one time that my family have known that I've felt really shit and that was only because I walked out, I didn't even say anything! And that resulted in my mum taking me down to my dad's and they both sat there talking and arguing about me and I got a lecture from my sister and it was all pretty much a big disaster. I suppose that was because of how I deal with it - walking out - rather than because of what I was feeling, though? I don't know. What a mess. Thanks though. You did help, you always do! -- Posted by Wolf at 4:12 pm on Jan. 12, 2009 The following reply is from ElephantStone Is it getting better? Do you still feel the same? Has it got any easier? No one is an island...unfortunately. In the 19th century people were left to deal with their own issues, issues like these, thinking it was the right thing to do. But now we realise and recognise that that doesn't work. A better quality of life can be gained from seeking help, looking for someone who knows and can deal with this issue. Everyone including me has these problems, but not to that extent. It is normal to have a little trepidation in public, to be afraid of what a crowd thinks. But the more you shun yourself from the public, from socialising the greater that trepidation becomes. I feel it, if I haven't gone out clubbing in a long time I get worried about it, about those nameless, faceless people. But if you do things regularly it isn't an issue. To do that in your position bravery and courage are needed, and they are qualities that a person isn't born with but are gained through experiences where they push themselves into a position they're scared of. Once you can do that, you can do anything. The decisions you make in life cannot be bought, shared or changed, they cannot be made for you and it is in life that the decisions we make are what shape us and what we are remembered for. You are at a crossroads: You can carry on straight ahead as I have presumed you have, living life as you have described. You can turn left and take the tremendous leap of actually tackling this where you push yourself. Or you can turn right and take perhaps the even more daring move and actually recognise the problem. Amy, you probably know what I want you to do, but as they say: The ball is in your court. Joe