-- Posted by Anonymous at 6:46 pm on Nov. 30, 2008 First I am NOT suicidal... This last year this have been disasterous.   First my best friend, the love of my life and boyfriend died.  He took his life.   I blame myself because I was staying in a different state at the time and I should have known.  He wasnt suicidal and I think someone had a hand in his death.  I just can't seem to deal with the pain from this and it has been almost 6 months.   After this I've decided to drink my life away for a good 4 months.  I'd drink every day with my friends.  I'd drink on night, still be buzzing and then start drinking again.   Then I started seeing this man  (11 yrs older then me) and now I'm preg. and no longer seeing him.  I do plan on keeping the baby.  Now, Im 3 months preg. but still unable to deal with the death.    I've really screwed up my life and I know that he wouldnt want me like this.   Everything I do I think what would he think.  I think how mad he'd be if I was preg. with some other guy.  I think maybe he didnt know I loved him.  Maybe he was mad I was staying somewhere else.   I just dont know what to do.  I barely know how I feel.  I guess I'm depressed because 50% of the time I'd rather not be living and not be in pain like this.  No, I will not kill myself!  I just dont know anymore.   -- Posted by babsbunee13 at 6:48 pm on Nov. 30, 2008 Oh my... I'm really sorry.... it must be so hard. -- Posted by ScandalousWench at 7:31 pm on Nov. 30, 2008 First I have to be responsible and ask, Are you still drinking? If you are you need to stop, you'll hurt the baby and its only going to make you feel worse. Second do you have anyone to help you raise this child? If not then I urge you to find a support group for single mothers most YMCA's offer them. Now, find a councelor or someone to talk to about how you are feeling. There is no definitive connection between depression and post partum depression but you seem like a good candidate and getting help before the baby is born is the best way to get through it. I've dealt with a lot of death, and I've lost people very close to me. I'm not religious but I truly believe that they know how much I love and care for them, and know they would want me to keep going. You shouldn't blame yourself, depression is an uphill battle and some people aren't strong enough to fight through. You obvously loved and cared for him in no way could it be your fault. Most people can't see the signs. I've dealt with depression and loss most of my life, feel free to pm me.