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-- Posted by Clarzy777 at 2:33 pm on Dec. 24, 2008
Be strong for me
There is no way for me to be strong as you were and are
I cannot live like you have and do
With no regrets and no pain from a far I cannot stand
I bend
A reed scared at the slightest wind Scared at the needles kiss
At rocky hands and IVs
Timid at the thought of someone else's blood in my veins I don't know what to say
When the knives in my belly come back
When I cannot eat
Or sleep
Or think What do I tell them
When I hurt and I cry and I scream
When there is no answer
No physical thing Friends who don't know
I don't want their pity
Or their tears Will it make it real telling them
Or prove that nothing is wrong
That somehow I caused this pain Scared of pain of the truth
Of a CT scan
An MRI
And two ultrasounds
7 blood tests
30 medications
Naturopaths
And energy treatments What do I tell them when I have seven doctors appointments
Every month
But I am not sick
I just have pain
And a foggy brain
And these things that seize my brain and make my muscle tense up Would it scare them
Knowing
Would it scare them
More than it scares me
Or would they even care
Or would they think I am faking
As I sometimes think I am Think that I caused this pain
That it is my fault
That because the tumor is not there
Because my hands work well
Because I can walk
That I must be fine But am I damaged
Damaged goods
That no one can be near Would this seal the deal
Would this show them that
This is my defining feature That my sickness is my grounding point
My illusive pain
That I have come to bear
Live with this forced maturity
Because I cannot cry
Cannot be free I cannot live with pain
I have let it go
I am happy
But still hurt Should I keep searching or just live like this
With "nothing" wrong
With this mystery
Do I even deserve an answer
Do I deserve treatment
Am I worth it
Or is this pain some sick reminder of my wrongs
I can't know Because I am not strong like them
I do not know what to say
When a friend dies
When I live a nightmare
I am not strong
-- Posted by Fearfulteen at 2:33 pm on Dec. 24, 2008
wow!
-- Posted by Sanctum at 2:33 pm on Dec. 24, 2008
Deep!
-- Posted by dragon14 at 2:34 pm on Dec. 24, 2008
i bet that oyu are but you just dont no it
-- Posted by Falling Slowly at 2:35 pm on Dec. 24, 2008
that was really well written. *hugs* :)
-- Posted by Miss Vanity at 2:39 pm on Dec. 24, 2008
Woah
-- Posted by Clarzy777 at 9:57 pm on Dec. 24, 2008
Thanks guys, I know it sounds kinda cheesy but this is this first time I have been able to write about this and it is kinda rough, just how I was feeling in the moment.
-- Posted by music dude at 10:39 am on Dec. 25, 2008
BAAAWWWWW
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