-- Posted by blufindr at 2:21 am on Dec. 29, 2008 And no, I don't mean I need to bitchslap a laughing psychic. Before, I used to care about so much I was taking on the problems of all the people around me. Now, I find it difficult to talk to my "friends". I can probably count on one hand (one finger, really) the number of people I can rely on to come help me if shit happened. And even then, it's iffy because I'm not entirely sure that our whole relationship should be based off his superhero capabilities of saving my ass. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to have meaningful relationships with people, and to connect with people on a level deeper than superficial. It's easier and easier to say shit like "I love you" and not mean it at all. The bottom line is now I've reached a point of apathy that's become so intense that there is nothing in my life that holds any kind of meaning anymore. I'm cutting off Ben without even realising it, taking longer and longer to say things I know I should feel, but am now numb to. I know it's there. I'd still run into a burning building to save him. I just don't know that I can be relied on to be there 10, 15, 20 years down the track. Heck, I can barely haul ass out of my bed in the morning. There's very little purpose in my life anymore, there's nothing I really want to live for, there's nothing to try for. I don't know. I guess I was so used to having anger and sadness beat the shit out of me. I never thought I'd die of plain vanilla apathy. Which is why it's good that there's Livewire. For a few hours every day, I can pretend like I have a life. Like I have friends, family, people that care about me that I give a shit about. But it doesn't happen like that. Not anymore. -- Posted by blufindr at 2:27 am on Dec. 29, 2008 Of course, I'm too much of a wuss to kill myself or cut. Plus I made a promise after last time that I wouldn't do it again. Dunno why I say stupid shit like that and trap myself into corners, but it is what it is. Heck, I dream about killing myself. I plan deaths and funerals like most little girls plan weddings and play house. But I just don't care enough to take myself out of this kind of situation anymore. -- Posted by VALIENT at 2:31 am on Dec. 29, 2008 By far one of the most thought out and thought provoking post seen on these forums in a very long time. At least you have one person to rely on, many, like myself for a long time, had no one to talk to. Also, to lighten the mood a bit in here, vanilla apathy is a funny picture. -- Posted by thathappychild at 8:14 am on Dec. 29, 2008 i know what you mean, but i don't know what will help. however, like Valient said, it's good you have one person and i think it's fine for you to be with them because they're like a superhero. it's ok to rely on someone that's part of serious relationships, so don't let this one go because you feel obliged to.