-- Posted by The Last Magister at 2:00 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Today, it was made final what she wanted, and she'd already tried to break it off twice, and...right now, I'm so medicated on my Vyvanse I can't feel anything, but in the back of my mind I can feel myself breaking down and freaking out, but...it's not reaching me.   I hate myself for not feeling anything, but at the same time...if ADD stimulants are what it takes to not get hurt anymore...I think I'm going to tell my Psychiatrist they aren't working as well anymore so he increases my dosage.   I can't believe it's over. I tried so hard to make it work, and I loved her, and I still do, but she is leaving me.   I realize now, that ever since last week she had been in this for my sake, and I don't ever want to chain her to me. I am not going to try to cling to her till the end, knowing she is with me but miserable.   No, let her just move on. It will make her happy, what I want isn't important. It's not like I've ever gotten it before anyways, I'm used to it. She deserves so much, and I know that I am nowhere near the kind of guy she deserves.   As for me...I don't know what I will do anymore. I've always told myself if I'd lost her I would be done...but she made me swear to not ever do that. I'm supposed to live my life knowing the love of my life is gone, feeling nothing except happiness and a bittersweet comfort in knowing that she is going to lead a happy life, even if I'm not a part of it. I know how I feel, I have been in "puppy love" and I know that this is nothing like that. I know that I will never change, and she will always be first. I wish she didn't feel this way, but...I can't change that, nor would I if I could, because I know I was never worth it to begin with. If life has taught me anything, it is definitely that I am not meant to be happy.   All else I can say is I'm glad these pills work. It's kind of sad that my last solace lies in my medication. -- Posted by callie kush at 2:02 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 god im sorry. -- Posted by Jman19 at 2:03 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Whoa whoa, a girl should not define your life. A girl should not be all that is worth living for. After all, she's a girl. There are billions on the planet, and although it hurts now, it's really not the end of the world. Yes, things didn't work out with her, but she is not the only person in your life. -- Posted by Soccerchik107 at 2:05 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Quote: from callie kush at 2:02 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 god im sorry. This. What you're going through must be completely horrible. -- Posted by MystiqueBeauty16 at 2:06 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Oh dear. You know you can PM me if you need to talk. -- Posted by The Last Magister at 2:07 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Quote: from Jman19 at 4:03 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Whoa whoa, a girl should not define your life. A girl should not be all that is worth living for. After all, she's a girl. There are billions on the planet, and although it hurts now, it's really not the end of the world. Yes, things didn't work out with her, but she is not the only person in your life. There are billions of girls on the planet, but there is only one of her. I really don't think you get it. We weren't on the same level. I was the first guy to love her, and she's a year younger to me, and I know that I shouldn't expect the same of people my age. I literally wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I wanted to marry her, I would to do everything for the first time with her, but I guess that's not what she wanted. I can't say I blame her. As for the last part...I really don't think you know anything about me, otherwise you wouldn't say that. My friends don't know anything about me, my closest ones are all either gone or falling apart like me. I've never had a dad, and my mom has always been preoccupied with her life to really pay attention. If you ever really, REALLY, fell in love, you would understand. -- Posted by Amazingness99 at 2:10 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Quote: from Jman19 at 5:03 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Whoa whoa, a girl should not define your life. A girl should not be all that is worth living for. After all, she's a girl. There are billions on the planet, and although it hurts now, it's really not the end of the world. Yes, things didn't work out with her, but she is not the only person in your life. Exactly. Love isn't a "forever" thing like they say it is in the movies. Just think of it this way- 6 and half billion people in this world, and you have a good 80+ years to live, which is a very long time. Two or three months, even two years of heartbreak is nothing in that span of existence. I know how it feels to be hurt this badly. Everything just....HURTS. Not just your heart, everything. Your entire body. You don't feel like you could ever feel anything for someone, ever again. But honestly, human emotions are transitory. They keep changing as your life changes. One day, you'll wake up and you'll realize it doesn't hurt as much. Everything will work out, I promise. -- Posted by xPicturesOfYou3 at 2:13 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 =[ -- Posted by Jman19 at 2:15 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Quote: from TheLastMagister at 11:07 am on Jan. 9, 2009 Quote: from Jman19 at 4:03 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Whoa whoa, a girl should not define your life. A girl should not be all that is worth living for. After all, she's a girl. There are billions on the planet, and although it hurts now, it's really not the end of the world. Yes, things didn't work out with her, but she is not the only person in your life. There are billions of girls on the planet, but there is only one of her. I really don't think you get it. We weren't on the same level. I was the first guy to love her, and she's a year younger to me, and I know that I shouldn't expect the same of people my age. I literally wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I wanted to marry her, I would to do everything for the first time with her, but I guess that's not what she wanted. I can't say I blame her. As for the last part...I really don't think you know anything about me, otherwise you wouldn't say that. My friends don't know anything about me, my closest ones are all either gone or falling apart like me. I've never had a dad, and my mom has always been preoccupied with her life to really pay attention.   If you ever really, REALLY, fell in love, you would understand. I don't know you, no. Just like you don't know much about me... I have fallen in love, and I'm lucky that the girl feels the same. I've known that girl since my first year of school, and I've literally spent the last 10 or so years trying to pluck up the courage to tell her how I feel, and I've finally done it, and I'm really lucky that it's worked out the way it has. It hasn't worked out for you, I know, and I'm sorry that it hasn't. You wanted to marry her, you wanted to experience firsts with her, everyone feels that way about someone. It sounds like you have your first truly broken heart, and that sucks. There's not much that I can say except that I'm sorry, and that in time, it will heal. -- Posted by The Last Magister at 2:16 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Quote: from amazingness99 at 4:10 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Quote: from Jman19 at 5:03 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Whoa whoa, a girl should not define your life. A girl should not be all that is worth living for. After all, she's a girl. There are billions on the planet, and although it hurts now, it's really not the end of the world. Yes, things didn't work out with her, but she is not the only person in your life. Exactly. Love isn't a "forever" thing like they say it is in the movies. Just think of it this way- 6 and half billion people in this world, and you have a good 80+ years to live, which is a very long time. Two or three months, even two years of heartbreak is nothing in that span of existence. I know how it feels to be hurt this badly. Everything just....HURTS. Not just your heart, everything. Your entire body. You don't feel like you could ever feel anything for someone, ever again. But honestly, human emotions are transitory. They keep changing as your life changes. One day, you'll wake up and you'll realize it doesn't hurt as much. Everything will work out, I promise. No, they really won't change, because I am not ever going to let them control me ever again. You are right, it won't hurt as much someday, because I don't intend to ever feel anything again. If I can't kill myself, then I will keep myself drugged, I can get the prescriptions I need to make it happen. She can't ask me to not do that. I refuse to ever fall for someone else. I will spend my whole life wishing she would come back. She asked me once if I would wait for her, but that she wouldn't expect me to, so she could figure things out, but I will anyways. I think you are wrong. I think most people don't really love. I would have spent the rest of my life with her, and always been happy. I wanted to marry her, I wanted to live with her, I wanted to have kids with her, I wanted to share my entire life with her, and only her, and now she's gone. -- Posted by Amazingness99 at 2:25 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Quote: from TheLastMagister at 5:16 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 No, they really won't change, because I am not ever going to let them control me ever again. You are right, it won't hurt as much someday, because I don't intend to ever feel anything again. If I can't kill myself, then I will keep myself drugged, I can get the prescriptions I need to make it happen. She can't ask me to not do that.   I refuse to ever fall for someone else. I will spend my whole life wishing she would come back. She asked me once if I would wait for her, but that she wouldn't expect me to, so she could figure things out, but I will anyways. I think you are wrong. I think most people don't really love. I would have spent the rest of my life with her, and always been happy. I wanted to marry her, I wanted to live with her, I wanted to have kids with her, I wanted to share my entire life with her, and only her, and now she's gone. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I've been there, I know what it's like. I'm not telling you not to be upset over losing her. BE upset, be sad, be depressed for a while. Let yourself grieve and believe that you'll never fall for anyone again. But don't let it affect you and control you so much that you truly lose hope. Life IS about hope- hoping that one day someone will come to pick up the pieces for you, the person you're meant to be with. It's not healthy to keep yourself drugged, as you say, because that way you're just putting a band-aid over your emotions. Let them out, it is the only way you're ever going to feel better. Life is not about love, though I myself got carried away with it. Life means more than just attaching yourself to someone else. Let yourself be alone and upset for a while, but realize when it's time to move on. It's not worth it, to let yourself go over one person, even if they seem to be your everything. -- Posted by The Last Magister at 2:32 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Quote: from amazingness99 at 4:25 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Quote: from TheLastMagister at 5:16 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 No, they really won't change, because I am not ever going to let them control me ever again. You are right, it won't hurt as much someday, because I don't intend to ever feel anything again. If I can't kill myself, then I will keep myself drugged, I can get the prescriptions I need to make it happen. She can't ask me to not do that.  I refuse to ever fall for someone else. I will spend my whole life wishing she would come back. She asked me once if I would wait for her, but that she wouldn't expect me to, so she could figure things out, but I will anyways.    I think you are wrong. I think most people don't really love. I would have spent the rest of my life with her, and always been happy. I wanted to marry her, I wanted to live with her, I wanted to have kids with her, I wanted to share my entire life with her, and only her, and now she's gone. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I've been there, I know what it's like. I'm not telling you not to be upset over losing her. BE upset, be sad, be depressed for a while. Let yourself grieve and believe that you'll never fall for anyone again. But don't let it affect you and control you so much that you truly lose hope. Life IS about hope- hoping that one day someone will come to pick up the pieces for you, the person you're meant to be with. It's not healthy to keep yourself drugged, as you say, because that way you're just putting a band-aid over your emotions. Let them out, it is the only way you're ever going to feel better. Life is not about love, though I myself got carried away with it. Life means more than just attaching yourself to someone else. Let yourself be alone and upset for a while, but realize when it's time to move on. It's not worth it, to let yourself go over one person, even if they seem to be your everything. I was barely alive before I met her, I tried to block out everything. I gave up hope a long, long, time ago. She was the last chance I gave the world. I knew that the second I told her how I felt. It didn't work. Now I AM nothing. There is nothing keeping me going other than a promise to the one person who makes me happy to stay. I've spent 12 consecutive years of my life suffering, ever since I was four fucking years old, I can't take this. This is the worst, and I won't feel it, and I will never come down to see if I still feel the way I do now. -- Posted by Amazingness99 at 2:41 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Quote: from TheLastMagister at 5:32 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 I was barely alive before I met her, I tried to block out everything. I gave up hope a long, long, time ago. She was the last chance I gave the world. I knew that the second I told her how I felt. It didn't work. Now I AM nothing. There is nothing keeping me going other than a promise to the one person who makes me happy to stay. I've spent 12 consecutive years of my life suffering, ever since I was four fucking years old, I can't take this. This is the worst, and I won't feel it, and I will never come down to see if I still feel the way I do now. For every 12 years of suffering, there's another 12 years of happiness. You have to give it a chance. And if you're high for all of it, you'll never experience that happiness. You won't be here or there, and you'll miss out on any luck, opportunities, or happiness that comes your way. I'm not pretending I can understand how you're feeling or what you've gone through beyond & besides the heartbreak, but all I'm saying is give life a chance- you have to be stronger than whatever shit it throws at you. Even if you think there's no hope, I promise that there ALWAYS is. -- Posted by The Last Magister at 2:44 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Quote: from amazingness99 at 4:41 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Quote: from TheLastMagister at 5:32 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 I was barely alive before I met her, I tried to block out everything. I gave up hope a long, long, time ago. She was the last chance I gave the world. I knew that the second I told her how I felt. It didn't work. Now I AM nothing. There is nothing keeping me going other than a promise to the one person who makes me happy to stay. I've spent 12 consecutive years of my life suffering, ever since I was four fucking years old, I can't take this. This is the worst, and I won't feel it, and I will never come down to see if I still feel the way I do now. For every 12 years of suffering, there's another 12 years of happiness. You have to give it a chance. And if you're high for all of it, you'll never experience that happiness. You won't be here or there, and you'll miss out on any luck, opportunities, or happiness that comes your way. I'm not pretending I can understand how you're feeling or what you've gone through beyond & besides the heartbreak, but all I'm saying is give life a chance- you have to be stronger than whatever shit it throws at you. Even if you think there's no hope, I promise that there ALWAYS is. The last time I believed that I promised myself if I was knocked back down again, I wasn't even going to bother getting up again. -- Posted by Amazingness99 at 2:55 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Quote: from TheLastMagister at 5:44 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 The last time I believed that I promised myself if I was knocked back down again, I wasn't even going to bother getting up again. I think we're "knocked down" so we can learn to pull ourselves back up. Don't give up, there is more out there for you, there HAS to be. -- Posted by The Last Magister at 3:03 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Quote: from amazingness99 at 4:55 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Quote: from TheLastMagister at 5:44 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 The last time I believed that I promised myself if I was knocked back down again, I wasn't even going to bother getting up again. I think we're "knocked down" so we can learn to pull ourselves back up. Don't give up, there is more out there for you, there HAS to be. No, there really isn't. I will exist, because I made a promise I didn't want to, but I refuse to keep living. -- Posted by Amazingness99 at 3:07 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Quote: from TheLastMagister at 6:03 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Quote: from amazingness99 at 4:55 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 Quote: from TheLastMagister at 5:44 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 The last time I believed that I promised myself if I was knocked back down again, I wasn't even going to bother getting up again.    I think we're "knocked down" so we can learn to pull ourselves back up. Don't give up, there is more out there for you, there HAS to be. No, there really isn't. I will exist, because I made a promise I didn't want to, but I refuse to keep living. I know you probably feel like shit, so I won't push all this optimism and idealism. But one day, please give it a try. -- Posted by Just Waiting Here at 3:22 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 "As for me...I don't know what I will do anymore. I've always told myself if I'd lost her I would be done...but she made me swear to not ever do that." I said that about someone that I loved greatly once... because when I was hitting my worst, it was someone who entered my life that I could hold on to.  I won't question you feelings, but love comes in many different forms... and one of those forms can develop from the pure need. We broke up mutually, with time, we went our separate ways.  I was ready for it, ready to try again on my own... a year later, I started breaking down even more. I will say one thing, we can only rely on ourself to hold ourself together.  We can meet people in life we love, and we can meet those that we hate... but it all comes down to you.  You said she was the one that gave you hope in the world... maybe you won't love another like you loved her, but do you think there's no other that can give you hope again? If you've already decided not to get up again, then just do what you're doing, you've already given up, and you'll continue to go nowhere.  You can either decide to let your life reach a stand still, or you can pick yourself up when you're ready.  Because we all change with time, and change brings about new attractions, new people, new experiences.  Change can bring happiness, and it can bring sadness... it can bring nothing if that's all you let it bring. We can spend all our life hoping to never be hurt... but no matter where we go and what we do, things will set us back.  Sadly, we can't have everything we want, everything that we think we need... you never need to stop loving her... the you of the past can always love her as much as you do now... but maybe the you of the future can find another love, another reason to move forward... another reason to get back up and keep fighting. I wish you the best, whatever you decide to do.  Hopefully with time things will get even the slightest better.  I'm not preaching to you your emotions or how you should feel... because if we could logically choose how to feel, then things would be much easier.  Whatever happens, happens, and I hope some day you can look back and find that the 12 years of suffering... or horrible experiences... has shaped you into someone you're proud to be, and has in some farfetched way brought you to a life you're happy living. -- Posted by theyareAs at 4:11 pm on Jan. 8, 2009 I feel for you so much, alot of times a person-usually of the opposite sex- will define and shape your personality and ultimately, your life. Things wont be the same, and it probably wont be for the better. But you gota keep going on, sooner or later ull meet someone. and then you'll forget about the first because this new one defines you life. hope you find happiness soon