-- Posted by Bakker at 1:08 am on Jan. 9, 2009 I was cleaning my room the other day, and I found some old notebooks I used to keep. Not like a diary; there's none of this "Today I fucked someone at school" shit, just notebooks and notebooks full of poems, short stories, anything and everything. And I found this: Grey. The sky overhead The schoolboys uniform as he cries Business suits thrown to the floor (while the lawyer and) (and the witness) (make love) Grey Black and white photographs (of loves long past) (of broken hearts) And grey My mood for today While the sky and the schoolboy cry While the lawyer and the witness fuck While the old flames die I am. Grey. So that's it ^^ Exactly as it was written on a torn out piece of refill. Comments and criticism appreciated. -- Posted by TheAntiBarbie at 1:09 am on Jan. 9, 2009 I like it. -- Posted by Bakker at 1:11 am on Jan. 9, 2009 Quote: from TheAntiBarbie at 1:09 am on Jan. 9, 2009 I like it. Thanks. Any ideas for editing? -- Posted by TheAntiBarbie at 1:15 am on Jan. 9, 2009 Quote: from Bakker at 4:11 am on Jan. 9, 2009 Quote: from TheAntiBarbie at 1:09 am on Jan. 9, 2009 I like it. Thanks. Any ideas for editing? Hmm. I like it the way it is, but I think I would add a few "as"s in there. You know, like this - Grey. As the sky overhead As the schoolboys uniform as he cries As the business suits thrown to the floor Because (well to me at least) it sounds like the whole poem is describing what doesn't come to the end, the whole thing isn't really talking about the sky and the clothes because of them specifically, you're saying that your mood is grey as they are. -- Posted by Jman19 at 1:18 am on Jan. 9, 2009 Nice. -- Posted by Bakker at 1:19 am on Jan. 9, 2009 Quote: from TheAntiBarbie at 1:15 am on Jan. 9, 2009 Quote: from Bakker at 4:11 am on Jan. 9, 2009 Quote: from TheAntiBarbie at 1:09 am on Jan. 9, 2009 I like it.    Thanks.    Any ideas for editing? Hmm. I like it the way it is, but I think I would add a few "as"s in there. You know, like this -   Grey. As the sky overhead As the schoolboys uniform as he cries As the business suits thrown to the floor   Because (well to me at least) it sounds like the whole poem is describing what doesn't come to the end, the whole thing isn't really talking about the sky and the clothes because of them specifically, you're saying that your mood is grey as they are. I see what you mean. It'd probably make more sense that way xD Thanks for your input =D -- Posted by gwen gardner at 1:41 am on Jan. 9, 2009 Quote: from TheAntiBarbie at 1:09 am on Jan. 9, 2009 I like it.