-- Posted by Anonymous at 4:28 pm on Jan. 10, 2009 Taken from another site.. What happens when you take a really skanky sex story and dress it up in a lot of flowery words? You get the Bible. Or large chunks of it, anyway. Sure, rather than using phrases such as "reverse frog squat," or "slinging manjam," Biblical sex is referenced almost exclusively as "coming in unto" (a phrase still used by porn stars who tend to drop the "in unto"). But once you get past the unimaginative verbs, the Bible has some nasty, nasty stories. Such as: Lot Has Drunk, Drunk Sex in a Cave. With His Daughters. Sunday school lessons tend to focus on God turning Lot's wife into a pillar of salt like she's starring in one of Sarah Connor's nightmares from T2. It's the sort of imagery that might distract you from something like flagrant incest. But sure enough, at Genesis 19:30-36: http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/biblesex/lot.jpg Something tells us Lot's daughters would lose any drinking game centered around "Never Have I Ever." If you've done it in a cave--and you've done it with your dad--you've probably also done it tangled in Fruit By The Foot or by accident with a vegetable. They were so eager to secure some seamen that they nearly polluted the genetic pool for all who came after them. Or maybe they just thought that a world populated by exponentially degenerative DNA sounded funny. To their credit, maybe that's why we have viral videos today. Speaking of people who might want to steer clear of drinking games, the Bible seems to blame the whole thing on booze, a strategy you'll recognize from work the morning after karaoke night. The alcohol in this case is wine, which raises the question: how much wine do you have to drink before you became oblivious to the fact that you were having sex with your daughter ... a second time? Jacob, Two Sisters, And What the Hell, a Handmaid In Genesis 29: 21-28, Jacob had taken a job where he was to be paid entirely in woman. His boss, Laban, promised his daughter Rachel in exchange for seven years of work. After the seven years, Laban pulled a fast one and swapped in his ugly daughter, Leah, instead: http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/biblesex/jacob.jpg Unless Leah and Rachel were sisters of the identical "Mary-Kate and Ashley" variety, there is very little reason why Jacob wouldn't realize fairly early in the process that he had the wrong sister. Who knows, maybe they were serving some of Lot's date-rape wine at the party. The Torah offers further exposition in Megillah 13b: Jacob and Rachel had actually expected Laban to perform the wife-swap and devised a secret signal to reveal that it was really her under the veil (apparently lifting the veil was too obvious a solution). However, in a last-minute display of womanly wile (what Toran scholars agree is "bitchiness" in modern English), Rachel taught Leah the signal, and she used it to double-double cross Jacob, fucking him in every possible meaning of the word. After waking up to the presumably hideous Leah, Jacob offered to work another seven years just to get Rachel. This teaches Christians today that the Rachel of Genesis was hotter than the Rachel of Friends. Leah, however, was named after "hidden beauty," or "butterface." If you read the passage again you'll notice that right in the middle of it is mention of a third woman: Zilpah, Leah's "hand maid." She's right between the verse commencing the night of boning and the verse concluding it. What was she doing there? Watching? Is it our fault that we're picturing that whole scene as just a writhing Chex mix of sex organs? God Gives You Tips on How to Hold Your Load If you've ever heard masturbation referred to as "onanism", well, you've got one guy to thank. Onan was apparently one of the pioneers in the art of ejaculating somewhere other than into a sex partner, as we see in Judah 38:8-10: http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/biblesex/onan.jpg Now there's something a woman never forgets. You're getting busy with your husband's brother, he splooges on the ground, and promptly gets slain by the LORD. Talk about awkward. This particular verse was taken slightly out-of-context when it gave birth to "onanism," which refers to both coitus interruptus and masturbation. It's probably just as well that he died, and didn't have to walk around the rest of his life listening to people refer to jerking off as "Doing an Onan." This story became the basis for Christian arguments against masturbation. The story does not address the counter-argument: what if God has no righteous purpose for your semen that particular day, and you're just bored? But more importantly, what about women? They don't have seeds to spill at their whimsy. Yet female masturbation never come up in the thousand or so pages in which he rambles about everything from having almonds in your diet to how he owns an awesome robe. Surely a fair God who loves all his children equally wouldn't allow women to masturbate and not men! Or we could just point out that if God killed everyone who masturbated, Japan would have ceased to exist sometime in 2005. I Thought She Was a Prostitute, But She Was My Daughter-in-Law! Try to find all the things wrong in this passage, from Gen. 38:15-16: http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/biblesex/judah.jpg You'd think the Bible would've just edited out all of the misconceptions involving veils, considering how many times people accidentally have sex with the wrong person in this book. Pesky veils, and now our only excuses are ... like ... alcohol, right, Lot? Of course us modern westerners probably don't realize the kind of impact a veil can have on a relationship. Our women are free to just walk around with their faces flapping in the wind, heralding their identity to the world. You have to hand it to the countries where women still wear veils: it must be a lot easier to write sitcom episodes that revolve around wacky cases of mistaken identity. Note that the frisky femme above is the same femme (Tamar) who got to witness Onan being slain by the LORD for coitus interruptus. Getting right back on that horse, Tamar! Only instead of a horse, it's Judah--Onan's dad. Score! If you don't think that's hot, you've ... never been to a really drunk family reunion where everyone's wearing veils and no one is aware it's a family reunion. Solomon Gives Boobies 10 Fingers Up Solomon's Song, which he creatively titled Song of Solomon, was mostly about boobies. The below references can be seen in 1:13, and 2:6, and 4:5, and 4:16, and 5:4, and 7:7-8 . . . and 8:10... OK, the whole thing was pretty much "Titties, titties, I love titties." Take a look: http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/biblesex/towers.jpg Damn. We don't know why this is in the Bible, and we don't care! If Danielle Steele wants to write songs about Solomons and throbbing members and shit, who are we to tell her no? Not Biblical scholars, that's who. If Soloman had stuck around to write the whole Bible, we might've gotten a more ripped Jesus and bodice cleavage so awesome it deserves a cinematic vehicle all its own. The reference to women with tower-breasts has caused some confusion, though. Since we prefer a literal interpretation, we think Solomon's concubines had breasts that were three stories tall with look-out posts in the cleavage. Either way, the Bible is a bigger supporter of breasts than a push-up bra. If you don't like that, then you can be the one to explain to God why you chose to illustrate every book of the Bible except this one. Here's a challenge: see if you can envision any possible metaphor for 5:4, "My beloved put his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him" Gods and Girls So you'll notice that most of these are from Genesis, the early days of the Bible when apparently mankind was first experimenting with just how creepy and weird sex could get. But probably nothing in the book tops what happens in Genesis 6:4: http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/dan/biblesex/giants.jpg Just to be clear, because there is some confusion: we here at Cracked are not doctors. We know a suspicious amount of information about sex, yes, and are pithy like House, but are not technically "doctors." However, we did take fifth grade science, which probably mentioned Gregor Mendel and his famous pea study. In case you haven't taken fifth grade science, it basically something about how ... when two things ... and then ... something about traits. Like we said, we're not doctors. We do know that the baby of an African person and a Chinese person looks kind of African and kind of Chinese; from this we can infer that the baby of a giant and a woman would look kind of like a HUGE baby. This did not deter the women of the day, who may have gone along with the whole thing based on a preconception about giants and giant genitalia. We're guessing that didn't last long, as thresholds for pain eventually give way and even if they don't, vaginas do. And nine months later, surprise! You're giving birth to a veritable six-year-old! Hope you've been having so much giant-sex in the meantime that your vagina is approximately as passable as a Slip N Slide, because that's going to come in handy when Junior runs out of it, already holding a Nerf ball. This happens right before God causes the famous flood that destroys everything on the earth (except for Noah and everybody on his boat). So of all the perversions mankind has ever invented, it appears the giant sex was the one thing that was just too weird for God, to the point that everyone else had to suffer for it. Nice going, guys. Source: Cracked.com Anybody want to reply on this? -- Posted by kendall716 at 4:28 pm on Jan. 10, 2009 People would be surprised at the drama they can find in the bible. -- Posted by danndivision at 4:28 pm on Jan. 10, 2009 its from a place called cracked.com, faaaake -- Posted by Anonymous at 4:29 pm on Jan. 10, 2009 Quote: from danndivision at 4:28 pm on Jan. 10, 2009 its from a place called cracked.com, faaaake How am I a fake if I specifically mention the source being cracked.com? -- Posted by OkayKelsey at 4:30 pm on Jan. 10, 2009 wow that was a lot to read -- Posted by Tasbard at 4:30 pm on Jan. 10, 2009 Go to http://www.biblesexstories.com/ , it's amazing. -- Posted by yoshiness at 4:31 pm on Jan. 10, 2009 That is WAY too long. -- Posted by OodleNoodle at 4:31 pm on Jan. 10, 2009 Quote: from kendall716 at 4:28 pm on Jan. 10, 2009 People would be surprised at the drama they can find in the bible. Indeed. Most uber-religious people, I am betting, don't have a clue about a lot of the stuff that actually is in the Bible. They just focus on stuff like how the Bible says that homosexuality is wrong and don't really understand what else is going on. -- Posted by K r E s C e N d O at 4:35 pm on Jan. 10, 2009 LOL -- Posted by gwen gardner at 4:36 pm on Jan. 10, 2009 thats fuckin awesome reading right there!!! -- Posted by See Me Now at 4:39 pm on Jan. 10, 2009 yeah, but you have to remember that those were different times- where populating the earth and keeping the "family" strong were more important than having a wide gene pool. As soon as nomadic families started living in cities and building alliances, thats when they started marrying outside of the family. -- Posted by SAMMYJS99 at 4:44 pm on Jan. 10, 2009 ""Here's a challenge: see if you can envision any possible metaphor for 5:4, "My beloved put his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him" "" that can only mean 1 thing: 1 finger in the ass. -- Posted by Expando1 at 8:27 pm on Jan. 10, 2009 it's more messed than you think how can the human race even exist if adam and even had two kids who were both male, Cain and Abel? the inconsistencies will warp your mind -- Posted by imatwirp at 4:36 pm on Jan. 11, 2009 Sad to say, I dont care to read fairy tales. not in my to read list. however the bits and pieces i did read proposed this: The bible promotes adultery, murder, and abortion, among other things. -- Posted by exceedinglyrare at 5:24 pm on Jan. 11, 2009 No wonder you're anonymous. What a cesspool of complete ignorance you've posted. -- Posted by SAMMYJS99 at 11:54 pm on Jan. 11, 2009 Quote: from exceedinglyrare at 8:24 pm on Jan. 11, 2009 No wonder you're anonymous. What a cesspool of complete ignorance you've posted. now how is all that ignorance???? sweet-pea, its in the bible. how can you say that it is stupid??? its amazing how people eyes goes over the truth. -- Posted by Link01 at 12:19 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Quote: from SAMMYJS99 at 7:54 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Quote: from exceedinglyrare at 8:24 pm on Jan. 11, 2009 No wonder you're anonymous. What a cesspool of complete ignorance you've posted. now how is all that ignorance???? sweet-pea, its in the bible. how can you say that it is stupid??? its amazing how people eyes goes over the truth. she did not say it's stupid She said his little knolage of the bible is stupid http://www.gnpcb.org/esv/search/?passage=Genesis+19%3A30-36 anyway it is in there -- Posted by exceedinglyrare at 5:09 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Quote: from SAMMYJS99 at 2:54 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Quote: from exceedinglyrare at 8:24 pm on Jan. 11, 2009 No wonder you're anonymous. What a cesspool of complete ignorance you've posted. now how is all that ignorance???? sweet-pea, its in the bible. how can you say that it is stupid??? its amazing how people eyes goes over the truth. It's in the Bible, yes, but it's also taken out of context and without actually reading the passages. It would be somewhat akin to me finding somewhere that you'd written mockingly "I hate gays" and claiming that you're a bigot because of it. -- Posted by SAMMYJS99 at 8:29 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Quote: from exceedinglyrare at 8:09 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Quote: from SAMMYJS99 at 2:54 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Quote: from exceedinglyrare at 8:24 pm on Jan. 11, 2009 No wonder you're anonymous. What a cesspool of complete ignorance you've posted.    now how is all that ignorance????    sweet-pea,    its in the bible. how can you say that it is stupid???    its amazing how people eyes goes over the truth. It's in the Bible, yes, but it's also taken out of context and without actually reading the passages. It would be somewhat akin to me finding somewhere that you'd written mockingly "I hate gays" and claiming that you're a bigot because of it. your calling me a bigot??? funny, guess what i also say last night??? [nevermind] -- Posted by exceedinglyrare at 8:39 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Quote: from SAMMYJS99 at 11:29 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Quote: from exceedinglyrare at 8:09 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Quote: from SAMMYJS99 at 2:54 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Quote: from exceedinglyrare at 8:24 pm on Jan. 11, 2009 No wonder you're anonymous. What a cesspool of complete ignorance you've posted.   now how is all that ignorance????   sweet-pea,   its in the bible. how can you say that it is stupid???   its amazing how people eyes goes over the truth.    It's in the Bible, yes, but it's also taken out of context and without actually reading the passages. It would be somewhat akin to me finding somewhere that you'd written mockingly "I hate gays" and claiming that you're a bigot because of it. your calling me a bigot??? funny, guess what i also say last night???           [nevermind] ... You know, the level of stupidity on this forum shouldn't surprise me anymore, yet somehow, it always does. -- Posted by SAMMYJS99 at 8:56 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Quote: from exceedinglyrare at 11:39 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Quote: from SAMMYJS99 at 11:29 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Quote: from exceedinglyrare at 8:09 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Quote: from SAMMYJS99 at 2:54 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Quote: from exceedinglyrare at 8:24 pm on Jan. 11, 2009 No wonder you're anonymous. What a cesspool of complete ignorance you've posted.  now how is all that ignorance????  sweet-pea,  its in the bible. how can you say that it is stupid???  its amazing how people eyes goes over the truth.     It's in the Bible, yes, but it's also taken out of context and without actually reading the passages. It would be somewhat akin to me finding somewhere that you'd written mockingly "I hate gays" and claiming that you're a bigot because of it. your calling me a bigot??? funny, guess what i also say last night???           [nevermind]   ...   You know, the level of stupidity on this forum shouldn't surprise me anymore, yet somehow, it always does. REALLY?? and here i thought some people said that the bible was ignorant. -- Posted by exceedinglyrare at 9:13 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Honestly, how does a person with your level of intellect manage to even get the computer turned on properly? -- Posted by SAMMYJS99 at 9:35 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Quote: from exceedinglyrare at 12:13 pm on Jan. 12, 2009 Honestly, how does a person with your level of intellect manage to even get the computer turned on properly? well for 1 thing, unlike you, i dont need glasses to know where to button is to turn the damn thing on. besides, who say i was a blonde?? -- Posted by exceedinglyrare at 10:09 am on Jan. 12, 2009 ... I give up. You've gone below and beneath the usual low level of intelligence on this forum to the point where I'm fairly certain that you're just letting your dog shit on the keyboard and hitting post. You're not worth it. -- Posted by SAMMYJS99 at 11:20 am on Jan. 12, 2009 Quote: from exceedinglyrare at 1:09 pm on Jan. 12, 2009 ... I give up. You've gone below and beneath the usual low level of intelligence on this forum to the point where I'm fairly certain that you're just letting your dog shit on the keyboard and hitting post. You're not worth it. "Let yourself be enchanted, You just might break through To ever ever after"" i HAVE been enchanted and broke through. I dont need your input, cause i dont see the "haters"