Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20  Next -- Posted by Dexus at 8:54 am on June 11, 2005 OK well I post alot of jokes as some of your clearly know and I had gotten a complant about posting too many topics, so Ive decided From now on any jokes I find will be posted on this topic! anyone else is also free to post a joke if they like also if any of my jokes offend anyone im sorry, as it wasnt intended I just post joke that I think are funny so everyone can enjoy them as much as I do. So to start off...... ________________________________________________________ VISITORS FROM A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his Father, "What is this Father?". The Father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don`t know what it is!". While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother". -- Posted by bloodwolves at 8:56 am on June 11, 2005 right then, i like it how you have called it lol central -- Posted by Dexus at 8:57 am on June 11, 2005 Quote: from bloodwolves at 4:56 pm on June 11, 2005 right then, i like it how you have called it lol central thank you, lol -- Posted by spam1989 at 8:57 am on June 11, 2005 WWOOO!!! GO DEX!!! great joke...LOL! T :) -- Posted by katiexxx at 8:58 am on June 11, 2005 Lol, nice name...lol central... -- Posted by katiexxx at 9:00 am on June 11, 2005 Oh yeh, good joke. -- Posted by Dexus at 9:03 am on June 11, 2005 Different Perspectives A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, ''Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited.'' The groom replies, ''I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.'' The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, ''Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited.'' The bride replies ''I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.'' -- Posted by Dexus at 9:13 am on June 11, 2005 Confession A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman." The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?" "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in." -- Posted by Dexus at 9:18 am on June 11, 2005 ALABAMA'S WINDOWS XP Windows XP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS XP with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plactic discn thangs. Other features: Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape. OK = ats aww-right cancel = hail no reset = awa shoot yes = shore no = Naaaa find = hunt-fer it go to = over yonder back = back yonder help = hep me out here stop = ternit off start = crank it up settings = sittins programs = stuff at does stuff documents = stuff I done done Also note that winders XP does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to winders XP tiperiter...........a word processor colering book.......a graphics program addin mershene......calculator outhouse paper .....notepad jupe-box ...........CD Player iner-net............Microsoft Explorer pichers.............A graphics viewer IRS.................M/S accounting software IRS2.................M/S accounting software with hidden files We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement -- Posted by Dexus at 9:47 am on June 11, 2005 MALE OR FEMALE? A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, 'What gender is a computer?' The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was made up of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. -- Posted by Dexus at 9:48 am on June 11, 2005 thats it for today look out for more 2morro!   -- Posted by spam1989 at 11:25 pm on June 11, 2005 those are cool! woo! T :) -- Posted by katiexxx at 4:22 am on June 12, 2005 They are great -- Posted by Dexus at 4:47 pm on June 12, 2005 A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas. Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions. The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest? Farmer Mahon replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.” “I can’t print that,” said the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.” Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?” Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.” -- Posted by Dexus at 4:49 pm on June 12, 2005 Goldie, a recently widowed lady, was sitting on a Florida beach near Venice. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied. "Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes," he answered, continuing to read. Goldie persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket on to hers, tore off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life! As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?" -- Posted by Dexus at 4:50 pm on June 12, 2005 This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? There was a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, what happened to those 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did Bob have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were bent over laughing. -- Posted by Dexus at 8:50 am on June 13, 2005 -- Posted by spam1989 at 10:44 am on June 13, 2005 Quote: from Dexus at 4:50 pm on June 13, 2005 LOL!!! T :) -- Posted by Dexus at 6:30 am on June 14, 2005 Micky Mouses Divorce! Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!" Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not??!!" The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!" Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honor! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was fucking Goofy!" -- Posted by Dexus at 6:31 am on June 14, 2005 The Innoying Parrot Harry the Magician was performing on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The pay was lousy, but the audience changed weekly, so he could do the same tricks over and over. There was just one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand the tricks. So in the middle of the show, the parrot would shout: 'Look, it's not the same hat!' 'Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!' 'Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?' Harry was furious but couldn't do anything since it was the captain's parrot. Two weeks later, the ship sank. Harry saved himself by clinging to a piece of wood ... with the parrot perched on the other end. Magician and parrot stared at each other with hatred for several days, but did not utter a single word. After a week the parrot finally said: 'Okay, I give up. What did you do with the boat?' -- Posted by Dexus at 6:33 am on June 14, 2005 20 Things We Have Learnt From Hollywood 1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once. 2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. 3. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. 4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 5. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not. 6. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right continuously. 7. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. 8. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 9. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps. 10. Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. 11. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society. 12. Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders. 13. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. 14. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. 15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite. 16. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. 17. Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future children but to you, right there and then. 18. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22. 19. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 20. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. -- Posted by spam1989 at 8:09 am on June 14, 2005 Quote: from Dexus at 2:33 pm on June 14, 2005 20 Things We Have Learnt From Hollywood 1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.   2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.   3. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.   4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.   5. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.   6. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right continuously.   7. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.   8. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.   9. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps.   10. Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.   11. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.   12. Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders.   13. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.   14. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.   15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.   16. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.   17. Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future children but to you, right there and then.   18. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.   19. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.   20. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.   All so true! T :) -- Posted by Dexus at 10:47 am on June 14, 2005 -- Posted by Dexus at 10:51 am on June 15, 2005 -- Posted by Dexus at 10:51 am on June 15, 2005 -- Posted by Jaruzelski at 3:48 pm on June 15, 2005 -- Posted by spam1989 at 9:11 am on June 17, 2005 LOL! good pics! T :) -- Posted by Dexus at 12:34 pm on June 19, 2005 Johnny's Moral Of The Story A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class, that each student should think of a story and then a moral for that story to share with the class the next day. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next little Lucy offers to tell her story Lucy, and she says, "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched." Finally it's little Johnny's turn and he says, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine gun, a machete, and case of beer. On the way down he drank the case of beer." "Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story and Johnny replies, "Don't screw with uncle Ted when he's been drinking." -- Posted by Dexus at 12:35 pm on June 19, 2005 THREE BOYS AND A GENIE One day three boys were walking down the street when they noticed a strange can in an alley they pick it up and a beatiful genie came out of the can. She said I'll give you three wishes. One said I want you to take you shirt off, another said I want you to take your pants off the last one said I want you to take everything off. The genie did as commanded but as she became completly naked they all ran away. An hour later the genie said why did you leave? The three boys all looked at eachother and one said my mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I'd turn to stone and I'll felt something getting hard. -- Posted by Dexus at 12:37 pm on June 19, 2005 HIJACKER A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess. He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." But the copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." But the navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us." The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place." No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic. The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, HE'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs." Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20  Next