-- Posted by The Mixed Tape at 6:53 pm on July 5, 2009 I was going to add more, but stopped short. If you like, I can continue. Comments/Concerns/Etc. This night around me, comes crashing down The people influence me, put on my frown. I wish I could find a way to disappear, Rearrange my thoughts and reappear. Take their actions and throw them away, Reemerge and forget everything they say. These pains they give me... the bruises and cuts, Make me wonder what I did to make them hate my guts. Put out, shut up, stop talking. One more word, I'll soon be choking. What ever did I do to make them hate. What ever did I do to deserve this fate. I've dug my grave, discovered the past Memories coming at me, full blast. It was all a mistake, all their fault I shouldn't have dug deep, back in this vault. Seal it shut, forget it happened Now I know what makes me weakened. Turn around, run fast, get away. They always say tomorrow is a new day. The direction I follow, path I take Let me realize it was all a mistake. -- Posted by Areola at 6:56 pm on July 5, 2009 I wish I could find a way to disappear, Rearrange my thoughts and reappear. ^ That part seems to come off a bit odd to me. I think it's the wording. But it's good, keep writing. -- Posted by Skip at 6:59 pm on July 5, 2009 it seems as if it is going no where, like there is no point, and a bit of the rhymes do sound/look forced -- Posted by LiveForeverDieTonite at 6:59 pm on July 5, 2009 I like it, you should keep going. -- Posted by The Mixed Tape at 7:00 pm on July 5, 2009 Quote: from Skip at 9:59 pm on July 5, 2009 it seems as if it is going no where, like there is no point, and a bit of the rhymes do sound/look forced Like I said, I did cut it short. (: I can see what you mean. Not intended to show forced rhymes. -- Posted by ehmusic at 7:07 pm on July 5, 2009 These pains they give me... the bruises and cuts, Make me wonder what I did to make them hate my guts. This part made me cringe a bit, mostly because of the use of guts, it seems so unoriginal (because it is) and it sticks out like a sore thumb. Ellipsis are a sort of faux pas; something that is viewed as what a beginner does when they don't know what else to do. What ever did I do to make them hate. What ever did I do to deserve this fate Reads as though you've ripped these lines out of an angst-ridden, "emo" poem. Seal it shut, forget it happened Now I know what makes me weakened. "Weakened" is more like a visual rhyme than an audible one here.  I think it would make for a nice refrain if you put something like "Now I know what weakens me" or "I know now what weakens me" or something. The direction I follow, path I take Every time that I read that line, I immediately think that it's missing the second "the" out of mistake. I really like this; it's one of the best things I've read on here. -- Posted by ehmusic at 7:09 pm on July 5, 2009 Quote: from Katx at 9:56 pm on July 5, 2009 I wish I could find a way to disappear,   Rearrange my thoughts and reappear.   ^ That part seems to come off a bit odd to me. I think it's the wording. But it's good, keep writing. The use of "rearrange" and "reappear" comes off as too much repetition, made worse by the rhyming. I really like "reappear" there, so I would suggest changing up "rearrange", but that's just me. -- Posted by The Mixed Tape at 7:15 pm on July 5, 2009 Quote: from ehmusic at 10:07 pm on July 5, 2009 These pains they give me... the bruises and cuts,   Make me wonder what I did to make them hate my guts. This part made me cringe a bit, mostly because of the use of guts, it seems so unoriginal (because it is) and it sticks out like a sore thumb. Ellipsis are a sort of faux pas; something that is viewed as what a beginner does when they don't know what else to do.   What ever did I do to make them hate.   What ever did I do to deserve this fate Reads as though you've ripped these lines out of an angst-ridden, "emo" poem.   Seal it shut, forget it happened   Now I know what makes me weakened. "Weakened" is more like a visual rhyme than an audible one here. I think it would make for a nice refrain if you put something like "Now I know what weakens me" or "I know now what weakens me" or something.   The direction I follow, path I take Every time that I read that line, I immediately think that it's missing the second "the" out of mistake.         I really like this; it's one of the best things I've read on here. Ah, yes. I really cringed at putting guts there as well. Like Skip said, thats sort-of one of the forced rhymes. I couldn't think of anything better to put there. Which is funny. :D None of this relates to my life whatsoever... well, barely. Very true. I'll think about that one. (: Thank you. I appreciate you reading and critiquing. (: -- Posted by ehmusic at 7:20 pm on July 5, 2009 Quote: from The Academy at 10:15 pm on July 5, 2009 Quote: from ehmusic at 10:07 pm on July 5, 2009 These pains they give me... the bruises and cuts,  Make me wonder what I did to make them hate my guts.    This part made me cringe a bit, mostly because of the use of guts, it seems so unoriginal (because it is) and it sticks out like a sore thumb.    Ellipsis are a sort of faux pas; something that is viewed as what a beginner does when they don't know what else to do.       What ever did I do to make them hate.  What ever did I do to deserve this fate    Reads as though you've ripped these lines out of an angst-ridden, "emo" poem.       Seal it shut, forget it happened  Now I know what makes me weakened.    "Weakened" is more like a visual rhyme than an audible one here.  I think it would make for a nice refrain if you put something like "Now I know what weakens me" or "I know now what weakens me" or something.       The direction I follow, path I take    Every time that I read that line, I immediately think that it's missing the second "the" out of mistake.            I really like this; it's one of the best things I've read on here.     Ah, yes. I really cringed at putting guts there as well. Like Skip said, thats sort-of one of the forced rhymes. I couldn't think of anything better to put there. Which is funny. :D None of this relates to my life whatsoever... well, barely.   Very true. I'll think about that one. (: Thank you. I appreciate you reading and critiquing. (: No problem.  I critique and edit poetry and fiction on a daily basis when uni's in. lol I don't mind doing it in the least, provided the material doesn't make me want to throw up.  This was fairly decent; though I'm against rhyme schemes in the majority of cases.