-- Posted by JennyColada at 11:50 am on Nov. 9, 2006 I'm dating this guy, he's awesome, we care a lot about each other. He's really into psychadelics, I'm not. Before I met him I'd never gotten drunk nor smoked marijuana (I'm 22, nearly 23). It's never really been an interest of mine, and the way I explain it "I don't want to do something 'just because', if I'm going to do it I want to be because I want to do it." Well, he's made it really obvious that he wants to get high with me, drink with me, etc. etc. Part of me feels really bad declining him for no reason, and he really doesn't understand why I don't want to do anything regarding drugs and the like with him. I've told him that I just feel uncomfortable about it, but he doesn't understand why I feel like that and I don't really understand it enough to explain it to him. I'm slightly afraid that this is eventually going to break us up. I know that he enjoys smoking and taking mushrooms with his friends, and I don't want to make him stop (I have asked him not to do it around me, and he sees that as me making him choose, but I try to tell him that I don't care if he does it, I just don't feel comfortable being around it...does that make sense?), but it's also not something I feel comfortable bringing into my life. HELP! I don't know why I feel like this, and I want to be able to experience this with him, but at the same time I don't. I'm worried that I'll regret it and that me feeling like this will hinder our relationships. I need help being able to understand how I feel and why, and advice from others whom may have been in this position before and how they dealt with it. Is it just as easy as communication? We tell each other what is on our minds, and I've told him that I'll be open with him if I ever change my mind and want to smoke with him or anything, but is that enough? -- Posted by Blasphemous Cow at 11:52 am on Nov. 9, 2006 If he can't accept that you don't want to do these things, he isn't worth your time. -- Posted by JennyColada at 11:55 am on Nov. 9, 2006 Well, I know that, and he has other friends whom don't drink or smoke or anything, so it's not an issue that I don't want to, so much as I don't want to for no reason. He pretty much just figures that it's because I grew up with all the progoganda and the like, which is probably true, but I've also never really had a reason to do anything. It's never been a part of my life, and I've never been so intimate with someone whom had psychadelics play such a large role in their life. It's just...confusing to me, and I'm not sure how to feel about it. It's just odd, I guess I can't really explain it. -- Posted by xtwistx at 11:56 am on Nov. 9, 2006 Don't do it. Drugs are bad news. If he loves you, he will respect your choices. -- Posted by BillyTheGoat at 11:57 am on Nov. 9, 2006 If you don't want to do something, you shouldn't allow someone to pressure you to do something, especially when it can be as harmful as drugs can. If he cares enough about you, he will understand if you just sit him down and explain the entire thing to him. Having an open mind about it is enough for you right now, and he should accept that. If he doesn't, then perhaps he doesn't care as much about you as you might think. From what I've seen, you are a fairly strong willed person, and you shouldn't let a soft spot like a boyfriend compromise that. -- Posted by JennyColada at 11:59 am on Nov. 9, 2006 The issue is: What do I explain to him? It's such an abstract feeling for me, and I have no reason to want to do drugs or not want to do drugs. "I just don't want to" just doesn't feel like a reason to me. I don't know, maybe I'm just not asking the right questions? I just want to be able to understand why I feel this way about this issue. -- Posted by itherian at 12:01 pm on Nov. 9, 2006 Hmmm Well in my own opinion breaking up with you over something like that is downright stupid... But also in my opinion (I have gotten drunk and high before) its really not that bad to get high. Its fun especially if you with someone you love(not as in a sexual way) Of course it is illegal and wrong in the eyes of most religions.. But it is fun none the less. In life we learn through experience It cant hurt to try it once can it? -- Posted by knicole at 12:04 pm on Nov. 9, 2006 Is it just that you don't feel the need to do it? I have a few friends like that. They don't necessarily have anything against the drugs or the users, but they personally don't feel the need to use them. There's no definite reason why, it's just how they feel. If that's how you feel, it should be enough. It sounds like you really care about him, so he must be a nice enough guy, surely he'll be able to understand that? Sure, it may be a nice experience to share with him, but if you're doing it because you feel even the slightest bit of pressure from him, it's for the wrong reason. As for whether just communicating is enough, it really depends. As long as the two of you are on the same page, and are fine with where the other one stands, then it should probably work for now..? I don't know for sure. Good luck. -- Posted by BillyTheGoat at 12:05 pm on Nov. 9, 2006 I understand what you are saying. Let me put it this way. I have never been skydiving. It's not that I've never wanted to go, or that I have wanted to go. It's not that I haven't had the chance to. It's not that I don't or do have the money for it. It's not that they don't have any skydiving near where I live. It's just the fact I've never done it. I've never had a reason to go skydiving. I'm hoping you see what I mean. You've never had a reason to do drugs or get drunk, so why start now. -- Posted by likechickenandcheese at 12:10 pm on Nov. 9, 2006 It seems like youve explained it well enough to me. You may have no "real" reason not to do the drugs. But you also have no reason or need TO do them. If you have no need/want or desire to do somthing what is the point in doing it. You seem to be perfectly happy with the life you have why complicate it with drugs and things that 1 may rish your health 2 get you in trouble. Because you just don't want to is a good enough reason and he should be happy and accept that. It could be related to people that say their not sure that they want to have sex or not. They may be old enough - have protection and are mature enough but they still don't want to, and don't have a real reason. Thats fine - its the way it works, if you don't want to, you don't want to, simple as. -- Posted by Kristen exohh at 12:11 pm on Nov. 9, 2006 I've been in that sort of a situation before, only I've been on your boyfriends end. If you're not comfortable with smoking dope and shrooms and whatever else, then don't. Unlike alcohol those are things that are a little more serious, and you should never do them just because someone you like or love is doing. I've watched that happen to way too many people. If you wanted to try smokiong weed, then that's a completely different story. Go for it, just keep it under control. Although it's a less harsh drug, it can seriously effect you in the long run if over-used. If your boyfriend doesn't accept that you're just not into that sort of thing, then he's going to have to make a choice. He's either going to have to support how you're feeling, and your choices, or he can leave. When it comes to that chances are he's not going to leave you over that. If you can sit down and let him know how you're feeling then it should be alright. Yes, you say you don't actually know why you don't want to try any of those things, but that doesn't matter. If you don't want to, you don't want to. Just describe to him the best you can your reasonings, he should understand and respect that. -- Posted by JennyColada at 12:12 pm on Nov. 9, 2006 Quote: from knicole at 12:04 pm on Nov. 9, 2006 Is it just that you don't feel the need to do it? I have a few friends like that. They don't necessarily have anything against the drugs or the users, but they personally don't feel the need to use them. That's pretty much it. There's so much going in my head about this, it's so confusing. I just feel like there should be more of a reason. Maybe I'm just stubborn (actually, I know I'm pretty stubborn). I've just never really had the opportunity. Actually...at my cousin's wedding, I drank a bit more than I usually do and sort of got into a "meh" mood. Anyway, someone had a few joints, and a bunch of us went outside and smoked. So I did smoke marijuana once. I told my boyfriend about it, and I really dislike that I did it. First of all, it wasn't because I wanted to, it was simply because I was too lazy to say no. And I feel like that's a terrible reason. Second is because I wasn't even with anyone that I cared about, just a bunch of stranger whom knew my cousin. I really would have wanted it to be with my boyfriend. I don't know. Ack ack ack. I'm sort of on the line of if I should just say "fuck it, I did it once, what's the big deal?" and just go smoke with him...but I don't want it to be like that. I think I just have this horrible fantasy of how it should be. I feel like I'm talking about virginity or something, I just feel slightly stupid for thinking like that. It feels so immature, like I should just get over it and that it's not such a big deal. I could rant about this all day and not make any sense because, seriously, I have no idea what I think or feel about this. I just know that I don't want my own bias and strong emotions to cause me to just want to up and throw away the relationship (which I've been known to do in other circumstances). -- Posted by PiXiE at 3:00 pm on Nov. 10, 2006 Don't get high with him if you don't want to! It isn't a big deal if you do get high, but at the same time it isn't a big deal if you don't! Almost all of my friends smoke pot, and I don't. I just end up just passing the joint to the person beside me, and I've managed to remain friends with these people since high school. I respect that they do smoke weed, and they respect that I don't. So I think you should compromise... Be around him when he's drinking/smoking/tripping and he won't feel like he has to choose between you and his normal life. And if you can't stand his non-sober self, I not sure the relationship would work out. Couples tend to have the same sort of habits when it comes to drinking and drug use, but if you can respect each other's choices, it could work out. -- Posted by Trastie at 5:25 pm on Nov. 10, 2006 I'm personally of the sort who doesn't like to pressure friends, or my girl friend for that matter, into partaking when I use drugs.  But sometimes, like this, I feel the need to say this: Either let it go, or at least smoking a little weed with him. At least then you can say if you truely dislike it or not. -- Posted by Nausicaa at 6:43 pm on Nov. 10, 2006 I think you really need to examine exactly why you don't want to at least try some substances with him.  Is there any reason that you are avoiding it?  If you can't adequetely explain it to him, which you admitted you couldn't, there probably isn't any good reason.  Doing a litte weed or trying shrooms isn't a big deal, and it can often be a very enlightning experience.  Just give it a try, especially since you can't think of a good reason not to.  Personal change and new experiences are always good things. -- Posted by wOlF at 7:17 pm on Nov. 10, 2006 You are your own person.  You live the life you want to choose.  You chose not to do drugs or be around them, and your boyfriend has not.  He is pressuring you into doing this, (which he has no right to do) and is making you uncomfortable.  Not bringing this to an understanding will probably hinder your relationship, and something definitely needs to be done about it. If he keeps on pressuring you about this, you need to reiterate that fact that you don't want that in your system.  It really is enough to say you don't want to.  You don't need an explanation about it.  Maybe, if you want to get a more educated opinnion as to why, you can research the effects and facts about the drugs. Bottom line:  Do what is most comfortable to you, and not comform what other people (even your boyfriend) want in a serious decision like this. -- Posted by Blacksummer at 8:15 pm on Nov. 10, 2006 Relax, grin, let the changes in. -- Posted by DayXTripper at 9:59 pm on Nov. 10, 2006 Quote: from JennyColada at 11:50 am on Nov. 9, 2006 I'm slightly afraid that this is eventually going to break us up. It's good that you can accept the fact that he does this type of thing, and it doesn't seem to have much impact on your feelings for him. I shouldn't think you have to worry much about that issue breaking you two up. But for your own awareness, if you ever start to become a nazi about his drug use, it will only force him to do it behind your back; which has a high probability to lead to the end of your relationship. In fact, the lack of acceptance for my own drug use lead to the demise of my first long term relationship. It also lead the the end of my best friends 2 year relationship. (I was surprised he could keep it a secret for so long) I would say just explain to him why you don't want to do drugs, but as you stated, you have no reason. Possibly explain to him that you need to take things at your own pace, that you aren't accustomed to such drug usage. If it seems like a possibility, tell him that if given enough time to become comfortable that you will more than likely be willing to have a psychadelic experience with him. He really shouldn't be pressuring you to do this with him as much as it seems he is. But as long as you can convey the fact that you don't mind him doing drugs on his own, you two should be fine. -- Posted by old american century at 2:26 am on Nov. 11, 2006 Quote: from JennyColada at 11:59 am on Nov. 9, 2006 It's such an abstract feeling for me, and I have no reason to want to do drugs or not want to do drugs. If you have no reason to want to do drugs and no reason to not want to do drugs, then why are you not doing drugs? It seems you've already picked a position on the situation, even though you have no reason to have done so You are identifying with two polar views: 1) Doing drugs 2) Not doing drugs I suggest you seriously re-evaluate your position on drugs: what they mean to you, their benefits and detriments, why you are not using drugs, et cetera. You've taken side with one position, but can't substantially back up your reasons for doing so.  Read up extensively on the pros and cons of drug use (from multiple sources) until you can decide for yourself why exactly you choose to use drugs or not use drugs. That's my $.02 -- Posted by NYGirl1113 at 9:04 am on Nov. 11, 2006 Mmmm... I agree with the above bold.  You sound like a friend of mine who was always saying she didn't want to smoke pot "just because" and it always bothered me that she never gave a reason.  It turned out that it was a combination of beign scared what other people would have thought of her (since she is pretty straight laced) and having that DARE propoganda still in the back of her head.  Haha, now she smokes quite a bit. If you really don't want to smoke and he's pressuring you too much then, well, you know the answer.  I've gone out with people who don't do any drugs and the relationships were able to survive it quite easily since you don't exactly spend every second with the person you are dating. I see where he's coming from though.  Smoking with a person you are serious about is a really amazing experience.  Understand that that is all he wants.  He's not going to break up with you simply because you don't want to share in that experience and if he does, he's an asshole. I guess this is kind of hard because I don't really understand where you are coming from.  The reason anybody smokes pot is for the experience and I don't understand how somebody can just say "I have no reason to feel this experience".  That's like saying you won't backback through europe because you don't need to.  I'd think long and hard and try and find the real reason why you don't want to smoke, tell him, and then you'll both feel better.  I dont' know, if you are so afraid that the fact that he is doing softcore drugs will tear you apart, the relationship seems kind of flimsy... -- Posted by Junesong Provision at 10:56 am on Nov. 11, 2006    I had a boyfriend like that. When I met him, he was so innocent. He would never touch any drugs. As soon as he started smoking weed, everythings changed. Its not that I have a problem with weed, he just did it too much. He was always high, always busy doing something that has to do with weed, always smoking up with friends. I basically never got to see him. It got really bad, to the point where I hated him. I broke up with him 2 days ago (it lasted 2 years).    If you feel like this now, then it might get worse as you get deeper into the relationship. I knew I had a problem about it but never did anything. It kept on building up to the point where I couldnt take it anymore. You should tell him that If he really likes/loves you then he should listen to what you say. Tell him exactly what you told us, and if he doesnt really care then he doesnt value the relationship. -- Posted by The Samsoniteman at 11:46 am on Nov. 11, 2006 Sounds like the perfect time to confront him about it. Just say you don't feel like doing the stuff he wants you to do, don't make a big deal out of it. It shouldn't be hard to compromise if he's willing to choose you over drugs. Better to find out now than later. -- Posted by geokills at 11:39 am on Nov. 26, 2006 Greetings livewirets!   This is the wiley and illusive aforementioned tasty boyfriend that Ms. Colada has illuded to.  I just wanted to swing by and throw in my own thoughts on the matter, as I was having a similar discussion about this on another forum I am a part of.  First and foremost - as I see some assumptions being made - it is most certainly not my intent to pressure Jenny into consuming any substance she may not wish to consume.  Rather, it is the relatively simple (and paradoxically difficult) attributes of unconditional love that I would call tolerance and acceptance, that I so sweetly seek from those I care for.   Please forgive the length and relative meandering of the following composition; I promise that if you make it through its entirety, you will see the correlation to the topic at hand.  Incidently, if you wish to read it within its complete context, feel free to visit the original thread (note: the linked thread is operating off of our backup server at present, and therefore may not load correctly for all visitors until Monday evening, the 27th of November 2006).  Without further ado:    I guess it's just really important to me that people be able to have these experiences. The illegality of it seriously pains me, and worse than that is the societal attitudes towards it. It means that when people do have these experiences, there is so much fear involved, because we live in a culture of fear. I mean [...] it's insanity, truly.    [...]    I really want to get involved in activism, to some degree, even if it's not organized activism and more a self-contained activism, on behalf of psychedelics. I mean, I want to take part in panel discussions and conferences on the topic, I want to be part of a culture of intelligent people who see this as an important phenomenon, not just a bunch of kids who want to see swirly wirly shit on the walls (though of course, that is a ton of fun!) People who are being creative in their lives and whose creativity is an outgrowth of their psychedelic experiences and who believe that everyone should have the right to have those experiences without fear or shame.    I just want the people I love the most to know who I am. I'm so tired of the negative stigma attached to the things that I believe in so strongly. I'm so sick of being an in-the-closet user of psychedelics to certain people in my life. [emphasis added] This line of thought has been weighing heavy on my mind for the past many weeks. I empathize with your yearning for freedom, your desire to foster and proliferate intelligent discussions on the subject of consciousness manipulation, altered perspectives, and the psychedelic experience in general. Likewise, your sadness and disappointment regarding the way in which our culture has made the chemically-induced exploration of our own minds a subject of taboo, both legally and socially, is also something that is really hitting home at the current juncture in my life. It is the social stigma in specific that is so relentless and unforgiving, that at times I wish I could flood the world with so much joy that one could not help but spontaneously embody a tolerance for all the varied modes of living in this odd experience we call reality. Unfortunately this is not so easy; we are all products of our environment and respective upbringings, and to shake and even understand these influences is no easy task, requiring significant introspection and a willingness to evaluate the self in the midst of all its darker, selfish, and otherwise distasteful ways of being which we are often taught largely to ignore (yet oddly enough, not so much to un-learn or reform into something more positive). It is an interesting parallel, your conflict in the free and honest expression (of your inner desires, intrigues, experiences, and ponderances) with your mother in regard to psychedelics; as I am now thrown into a similar trial with a new love of my life. Though time spent with this woman is some of the most wonderful I've yet had the pleasure to experience, she has great trouble allowing me to express or to discuss my own perceived implications of psychedelic exploration, its responsible use and its potential benefits as I've come to understand them through my own historical dabbling into such volatile yet viscerally exciting and rewarding realms of mental expanse, thought, and consideration. What then to do? I have chosen for the time being to walk this path - one of intentional shielding - where I consciously censor my own language and action, as a sacrifice for my partner's mental comfort. It is not that I need her to experience these things as I do, but rather that (as you similarly stated) I want her to know me for who I am completely, and to be able to listen with an open ear to my most intimate musings and reflections. I want to share myself freely with her, what I have learned from my experiences, and to bounce these philosophies off of her as I would enjoy doing with any close friend of intelligent and open mind. Yet, the fact remains that she becomes visibly disturbed and indeed intolerant upon any mention more than in passing, of psychedelics, their use, or their effects.. particularly if I attempt to encourage introspection into her underlying reasons for the defensive and discomforted mindstate she manifests when the given topic enters open discussion. She will proclaim that it is not her intention nor desire for me to change my way of being, simply that she is uncomfortable around the given subject matter. In other words, that I can do as I please on my own time, so long as when I am around her I restrain myself from sparking up that joint or from introspecting upon last week's psychedelic journey. But then [as she is living with me] is this not in effect an elusive ultimatum, a veiled requisite for me to change my habits in order to placate her insecurity? Afterall, my own time has become blurred into a manifestation of our time, as we spend so much of it together. I have no desire to ask her to leave my house at any given moment should I wish to pick up the guitar and engage a toke, and on the same token I would not expect her nor would I pressure her to join me in said toke. I only desire for her to be comfortable with me for who I am, completely. Acceptance, tolerance, and an understanding of differing perspectives, even if only in such a way as to understand that we are indeed different but that it is perfectly wonderful to be different. For the moment I will continue to walk this path, and perhaps this woman I love will find a way to feel comfortable with my chemical experience and my interest in the mind and all of its potentials. I must however simultaneously accept that she may never be able to comfortably understand these things about me. Fortunately I find myself with much time to spend, and this experience on the whole is full of heart, teaching me new things about myself, about interpersonal interactions, compromise, and life at large. You know what? I'm stoned, and I'm proud! .. and Jenny, I love you   -- Posted by mtllcrckmn at 11:43 am on Nov. 26, 2006 In my opinion you should check erowid.org. Search mushrooms and read all of the experiance volts, it may help you understand why he does it. And if you ever do get curious and try em, then you will know what to expect! -- Posted by yellowsub at 12:38 pm on Nov. 26, 2006 And then jesus said..."Don't deny it till you try it..." Peace -- Posted by Trastie at 2:41 pm on Nov. 26, 2006 Quote: from mtllcrckmn at 12:43 pm on Nov. 26, 2006 In my opinion you should check erowid.org. Search mushrooms and read all of the experiance volts, it may help you understand why he does it. And if you ever do get curious and try em, then you will know what to expect! Sound advice...put there are many...errors to be found, to say the least. Don't just read what erowid has to say and then go on to think you know everything there is to need to know..... -- Posted by needacigarette at 12:22 pm on Dec. 1, 2006 wow this is the most rational topic ive ever read on here.  jenny you actually had a real problem and everyone really had interesting and informative things to say.  its hard for me to even add anything new to whats already been said.  but i was thinking about a couple of things as i read this. 1. if i it was me in your situation, i would feel like the guy was trying to change me.  and whether its for a good reason like to quit smoking or to finish school or something, or for a "bad" reason like to experiment with drugs or do something sexual that you don't want to do, most people resent it when another person tries to change them.  it might only be a little resentment or even just subconscious, but i think everyone resents it somewhat.   2. i would also think that, if it is entering my mind that our relationship might not be able to survive this disagreement, then how would we be able to survive something more important and something more relevant to the real world.  like more of a "grown up" problem.  i mean doing drugs is something you can do when you dont have a lot of responsibilities right?  theres not as many people who have jobs and kids and everything that can go getting stoned all the time.  so this is something thats a problem because youre young now and its easier to do what you want like that.  but what about when you need to decide if you want to get married or have kids or get a new job or whatever.  if youre afraid of what this whole thing about drugs is doing to your relationship, then you must be afraid of what might happen when a more serious issue happens. 3. i know i smoke cigarettes and ive smoked weed and still do once in a while.  but i dont smoke weed that much and i dont drink alcohol that much.  i may sound somewhat hipocritical because i do smoke cigarettes, but ive never believed in using drugs to like... get that kind of feeling of just being drunk or high or whatever.  i just like knowing that what i experience and feel and everything are real and not affected by alcohol or drugs.  i just feel like i dont need those things to feel happy or to have fun.  people who try to get me to do more than i want make me feel like either theres something wrong with them that makes them need to feel better through artificial ways, or more often, that they think that im not as fun as they are when theyre drunk or stoned.  i dont know why but i always feel like people who are using something are really insecure when im around and i dont want to.  and i know im secure in my decisions, so it always makes me question them because theyre so insecure.   i dont know if any of that made sense or helps or anything, but its just what i was thinking. -- Posted by atest at 1:08 pm on Dec. 1, 2006 first of all he this guy wont stop nagging you about somthing as petty as drugs or alcohol then he really isnt worth your time... if he has no other interest involving you then just drop it cuz it will only go sour.... and you shouldnt feel the need to question yourself about any of your motives.... soo keep on with your positive thinkings and try and meet more positive people....