-- Posted by The Lure Of The Sea at 4:27 pm on Mar. 17, 2008 I'm not depressed right now, I'm not upset. I'm just lounging around in my boxers, and my legs are scratched up so bad. It used to be just the insides, where I could hide it easily, now its graduated to the tops of my legs and near my knees. I don't even know why I just did that. It hurt, but the after effect is heaven. I'm starting to worry, that maybe something is happening that I don't know about. Like, I hear people say all the time, and I've even said it, that they have lost touch with reality, what if I really am this time, and not realizing it means its really happening? I don't even know what I'm typing really, or what I'm getting at. I guess drug useage isn't that helpful either at this point. I feel so stressed from everything, I don't even think I can get any advice because it's all things I refuse to fix. I feel oddly at peace with myself, and it's really scaring me. Emotionally I feel drained, I'm in an awesome mood and then cutting myself an hour later. And here I am in another thread giving users reasons NOT to cut themselves. How can I even say something like that to someone? I realize I'm human and everyone has problems, but I don't feel like I'm doing the best as a SL I can when I'm like this. I feel like I'm being inferior somehow. Like, if I show I have feelings and problems, no one will take anything I say seriously. Who wants a whack job helping you?What really gets me, is if they say my advice helped, and they're going to try what I said. I think, why can't I be that brave? the drugs, the SI, my mom, school, I can't deal with it anymore, and all these problems seem so little in comparison to say, a rape victim or something, and I always preach that a problem no matter the size is a problem, but I can't help but feeling like I'm complaining for nothing. Physically I'm drained, my head hurts nonstop (doc apt. next monday), I feel lightheaded all the time, tired, irritable, I've been eating out of control again. I don't know what to do anymore you guys. Nothing helps anymore. When I was younger, writing used to help, for a while talking helped, (I'm feeling a fucking rage of anger right now as my mom has just called me for whatever reason, I'm lashing out and I don't know why..christ), running used to help. I can sit here and name 20 things to do instead of cutting myself, but I can't/won't do any of them. Do I even want to stop?