-- Posted by Anonymous at 1:58 pm on June 3, 2008 When I was 10 years old, nearly every week for about a year I was molested by the daughter of a friend of the family. I am now 15 and my parents have no idea. She lives within about twenty minutes walking distance from where I live, just near my doctors. About a month ago, I dropped by my doctors to pick up a prescription in the morning. After I'd gone, I was walking to school and I saw her on her driveway. I couldn't move, I just forgot how. I couldn't breathe, nothing. She didn't see me, she just went inside her house and I managed to compose myself and move on. Ever since I last saw her, the minute my guy tries to go any further with me than up my top I freak out. I love him so much and I want to be able to sleep with him and not feel completely shit about it but I just don't seem to be able to. I don't understand, I've done this all before, so why am I freaking out? This has happened before, but for two weeks tops. It's been a month, what the fuck is wrong with me? -- Posted by Stand Up at 2:25 pm on June 3, 2008 Nothing is wrong with you. You've experienced something traumatic and it's finally getting to you. I think that perhaps it will be helpful if you could talk with a counselor about this. The best way to get closure, peace of mind, etc; is to talk about it. You need to face the problem. It seems like you've been trying to avoid it for so long and now is finally getting to you. It doesn't matter how much you avoid it because it won't make it go away that easily. Is there a way you can find a counselor? Would you talk to one? I know that it might seem drastic, but it isn't. They're professionals trained to deal with situations of this kind. They can give you better advice and help you.   Are you willing to talk to your parents about it? -- Posted by Anonymous at 2:34 pm on June 3, 2008 Quote: from iJeannie at 2:25 pm on June 3, 2008 Nothing is wrong with you. You've experienced something traumatic and it's finally getting to you.   I think that perhaps it will be helpful if you could talk with a counselor about this. The best way to get closure, peace of mind, etc; is to talk about it. You need to face the problem. It seems like you've been trying to avoid it for so long and now is finally getting to you. It doesn't matter how much you avoid it because it won't make it go away that easily.   Is there a way you can find a counselor? Would you talk to one? I know that it might seem drastic, but it isn't. They're professionals trained to deal with situations of this kind. They can give you better advice and help you.   Are you willing to talk to your parents about it? I have seen countless counsellors before and two of them have tried to help me with the situation but failed. I am not willing to tell my parents about this, for a start I am scared they won't believe me and if they do they'll take it further which I really don't want. I just want to move on and I don't know how. -- Posted by Stand Up at 2:37 pm on June 3, 2008 Perhaps the counselors that threated you weren't right for you. Maybe you should find somebody else? It takes time to find the right person; you need to keep trying. I understand that you say that you want closure, and that's perfectly normal, but again, in order to move on you need to face the issue. Why do you think your parent's won't believe you? Have you giving them the benefit of the doubt? -- Posted by rufoo at 2:38 pm on June 3, 2008 you're paranoid by getting molested. try to understand that its your 'loving' boyfriend and not that girl that molested you. For the molestation itself, maybe you should confront her about it. that was 10 years ago. You're an older woman with much responsibilites and precautions. if you want to talk about it, PM me or any other questions - rufoo -- Posted by Anonymous at 2:50 pm on June 3, 2008 Quote: from iJeannie at 2:37 pm on June 3, 2008 Perhaps the counselors that threated you weren't right for you. Maybe you should find somebody else? It takes time to find the right person; you need to keep trying. I understand that you say that you want closure, and that's perfectly normal, but again, in order to move on you need to face the issue.   Why do you think your parent's won't believe you? Have you giving them the benefit of the doubt? I found the perfect counsellor but she was private and we couldn't afford her anymore. I just don't understand how talking about this will change it. My parents and I don't exactly have the best relationship. When I cut for years and they realised they claimed it was for attention, they don't really give me the benefit of the doubt. Ever. -- Posted by Stand Up at 2:58 pm on June 3, 2008 Because when you talk about it you confront things that perhaps you would avoid. It makes you realize and understand things, plus it gives you perspective. They can tell you what they think about it. Sometimes our judgment is blinded and by talking with get more perspective. I know that perhaps you don't find it necessary, but how else are you going to deal with it? Do you want this to haunt you all your life? Ok, if you couldn't afford that counselor, then perhaps try getting another one that works pro bono or for the government. Most times if you go to your doctor they can tell you were to go. Psychiatric help could also work. Even if your parent's disappointed you in the past for their lack of support, maybe if you explained this to them they could understand why you do the things you do and be more supportive. Parent's aren't perfect. Sometimes they need help. -- Posted by Anonymous at 3:05 pm on June 3, 2008 Quote: from iJeannie at 2:58 pm on June 3, 2008 Because when you talk about it you confront things that perhaps you would avoid. It makes you realize and understand things, plus it gives you perspective. They can tell you what they think about it. Sometimes our judgment is blinded and by talking with get more perspective. I know that perhaps you don't find it necessary, but how else are you going to deal with it? Do you want this to haunt you all your life? Ok, if you couldn't afford that counselor, then perhaps try getting another one that works pro bono or for the government. Most times if you go to your doctor they can tell you were to go. Psychiatric help could also work.   Even if your parent's disappointed you in the past for their lack of support, maybe if you explained this to them they could understand why you do the things you do and be more supportive. Parent's aren't perfect. Sometimes they need help. The thing is, I'm sick of going to my GP and saying "I need some help." I'm sick of telling my story over and over again. Reliving my experiences for every counsellor hurts and I rarely feel any better after it. What can my parents do? Can they invent a time machine and go back and stop it happening? I don't trust them, all it would do would be causing drama. That's the last thing I want. -- Posted by Stand Up at 3:11 pm on June 3, 2008 Well yeah, nobody said it was going to be easy. It takes strength to keep going. Is a day by day battle. Nobody said life was going to be easy. Ok, you said that talking with somebody hurts too much, so what are you going to do then? Can you talk about it with your boyfriend?; maybe he could help you. Have you thought about facing that girl? Talking to her about it. Do you think that could help? What do you want to do here? How do you want to move on? -- Posted by Anonymous at 3:17 pm on June 3, 2008 Quote: from iJeannie at 3:11 pm on June 3, 2008 Well yeah, nobody said it was going to be easy. It takes strength to keep going. Is a day by day battle. Nobody said life was going to be easy.   Ok, you said that talking with somebody hurts too much, so what are you going to do then? Can you talk about it with your boyfriend?; maybe he could help you.   Have you thought about facing that girl? Talking to her about it. Do you think that could help?     What do you want to do here? How do you want to move on? I don't want to tell him because bless him, he'd feel hurt and he needn't and he'd definately look at me and treat me differently, no matter how hard he'd try. I don't want him to tiptoe around him. I'm far too scared to look her in the eye, never mind talk to her! I just want to be able to do what I want with my body without feeling terrified and freaking out. -- Posted by Stand Up at 3:27 pm on June 3, 2008 Well he is your boyfriend, and he should be there to support you no matter what, but if you think you can't do it, then wait until you want to be sincere with him. Can you talk about it with a friend somebody? You need to face this problem somehow if you want to move on. There's no secret way. You can't wake up someday an expect it to disappear. No matter how you want that, the world doesn't work like that. here you can find support, information, advice: Rape, Abuse and Incest Hotline USA: UK:1-800-656-HOPE 020 8683 3300 http://www.rapeis.org/ http://dailystrength.org/c/Rape/support-group http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ http://www.dancinginthedarkness.com/ http://survive.org.uk/ http://www.vaonline.org/support.html -- Posted by Anonymous at 3:36 pm on June 3, 2008 Quote: from iJeannie at 3:27 pm on June 3, 2008 Well he is your boyfriend, and he should be there to support you no matter what, but if you think you can't do it, then wait until you want to be sincere with him.   Can you talk about it with a friend somebody? You need to face this problem somehow if you want to move on. There's no secret way. You can't wake up someday an expect it to disappear. No matter how you want that, the world doesn't work like that.     here you can find support, information, advice: Rape, Abuse and Incest Hotline   USA: UK:1-800-656-HOPE 020 8683 3300 http://www.rapeis.org/ http://dailystrength.org/c/Rape/support-group http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ http://www.dancinginthedarkness.com/ http://survive.org.uk/ http://www.vaonline.org/support.html I've told him and he said he knew because he came across it on LW (I once sent him a link for something on here, he must have been exploring) so I guess he won't treat me differently. I just don't want to be okay with sex now. Thank you for the links, I'll look into them. -- Posted by Stand Up at 7:02 pm on June 3, 2008 Appreciate that he's there for you! and that he didn't threat you different and he didn't pressure you. Seriously, you're really lucky. I hope that you get more help in those links. :] Good Luck, take it step by step.   -- Posted by amiee at 3:28 am on June 4, 2008 I think all you can really do is take things in your own time. You're only 15 now and the abuse only stopped four years ago. That's a hell of a lot for you to have to deal with and remember, and no doubt the memories and whatever else you're feeling as a result is so very fresh and real and painful for you. I don't really know why exactly you've gone off sex as a result of seeing her - I have suspicions, yes, but I don't know for sure - but I do know that what you're feeling is natural. A really horrible thing happened to you, and to react in such a way when you see the person who subjected you to it, well, it's completely understandable that you reacted the way you do.   How do you feel about it all now? This is something I think you will have to go through the process of dealing with eventually, so you can piece your life back together and not let it get in the way of things - like your sex life, for example. However, I am not saying that you just need to talk to a couple of counselors and let people know what happened. As you've experienced yourself, talking and talking about it (whilst it CAN and DOES help in part) can become exhausting, if you're not doing more. In my own opinion, come to terms with it and getting to a place where you can be ok with what happened is a very personal thing, y'know? I was abused when I was wee, and I got through it on my own and without talking to anyone. I always think it's a nice idea to let people know that you're struggling, and if you're comfortable enough with telling people what happened then that is great, but there's a lot more work involved personally, which I think you'll know yourself. Eventually I think you'll get to a place where you won't find it so painful to talk about, though. It really just depends on your own preferences, of course, and I do think that it's just a big huge mixture of so many things that help in the long run. If you're not comfortable with telling your family, then don't. I know how so very, very difficult it would be anyway, and in many circumstances, would only make the situation worse. The important thing is that you take things at your own pace and do things in ways you feel comfortable, yes? I won't go on and on about it though, because that's not the issue you're seeking help for. If you do want to talk about it more or anything like that, then feel free, yeah? I'd be more than happy to listen to whatever you have to say and sometimes just ranting is good for the soul. :P Anyway. As for you going off sexual stuff because of seeing her - well, as I said, I think it's understandable and natural, y'know? Seeing her, evidently, made you feel like shit and it had a really horrible effect on you. Perhaps it's brought the abuse to the front of your mind and because of that there's a mental block there when you do try to go any further with your guy. I know it's not what you want to hear, but I think all you can do is take it on your own time. I know you just want to be ok with sex and you don't want it interfering, but the thing is it is interfering and there's nothing much else you can do but accept that and try dealing with it, y'know? There's nothing "wrong" with you though, I promise. Perhaps your body and mind is just coping in its own way right now. Take care of yourself, lovely.   -- Posted by Anonymous at 10:33 am on June 4, 2008 Quote: from amiee at 3:28 am on June 4, 2008 I think all you can really do is take things in your own time. You're only 15 now and the abuse only stopped four years ago. That's a hell of a lot for you to have to deal with and remember, and no doubt the memories and whatever else you're feeling as a result is so very fresh and real and painful for you. I don't really know why exactly you've gone off sex as a result of seeing her - I have suspicions, yes, but I don't know for sure - but I do know that what you're feeling is natural. A really horrible thing happened to you, and to react in such a way when you see the person who subjected you to it, well, it's completely understandable that you reacted the way you do. How do you feel about it all now? This is something I think you will have to go through the process of dealing with eventually, so you can piece your life back together and not let it get in the way of things - like your sex life, for example. However, I am not saying that you just need to talk to a couple of counselors and let people know what happened. As you've experienced yourself, talking and talking about it (whilst it CAN and DOES help in part) can become exhausting, if you're not doing more. In my own opinion, come to terms with it and getting to a place where you can be ok with what happened is a very personal thing, y'know? I was abused when I was wee, and I got through it on my own and without talking to anyone. I always think it's a nice idea to let people know that you're struggling, and if you're comfortable enough with telling people what happened then that is great, but there's a lot more work involved personally, which I think you'll know yourself. Eventually I think you'll get to a place where you won't find it so painful to talk about, though. It really just depends on your own preferences, of course, and I do think that it's just a big huge mixture of so many things that help in the long run. If you're not comfortable with telling your family, then don't. I know how so very, very difficult it would be anyway, and in many circumstances, would only make the situation worse. The important thing is that you take things at your own pace and do things in ways you feel comfortable, yes? I won't go on and on about it though, because that's not the issue you're seeking help for. If you do want to talk about it more or anything like that, then feel free, yeah? I'd be more than happy to listen to whatever you have to say and sometimes just ranting is good for the soul. :P Anyway. As for you going off sexual stuff because of seeing her - well, as I said, I think it's understandable and natural, y'know? Seeing her, evidently, made you feel like shit and it had a really horrible effect on you. Perhaps it's brought the abuse to the front of your mind and because of that there's a mental block there when you do try to go any further with your guy. I know it's not what you want to hear, but I think all you can do is take it on your own time. I know you just want to be ok with sex and you don't want it interfering, but the thing is it is interfering and there's nothing much else you can do but accept that and try dealing with it, y'know? There's nothing "wrong" with you though, I promise. Perhaps your body and mind is just coping in its own way right now. Take care of yourself, lovely. Well you asked how I feel about it all now, and to be honest it still terrifies me as much as it did when it was happening. To think that somebody could do that to me and I'd have no way of stopping them near paralyses me with absolute fear, and I'm scared shitless whenever anyone tries to do anything even similar. I fell into the pattern of never saying no because then it wouldn't be abuse but since I've seen her I just don't want sex, nothing sexual at all, and it hurts me because I want to be able to do that with my boyfriend. He's leaving for university soon and this summer is ours and I don't want to be wasting it on being too scared and too into my past to do anything. I feel like I should just be able to pull myself together and the fact that I can't really gets to me. I know you say it's something I just have to work at but how? How do I deal with this? -- Posted by amiee at 12:08 pm on June 4, 2008 Oh, I really really do understand why it hurts so much. As I mentioned before, it only stopped such a short while ago and, as cliche and oversaid as it is, these things do take time to heal. They really do. As for how to deal with it? Well, there's no set way. Well, not in my opinion anyway. It's a combination of a whole lot of things, I think. As I said, it's a very personal thing - for me, it took a lot of thinking about what happened - allowing myself to remember and not allowing myself to block it out - remembering what happened, and coming to terms with it. Accepting it - it's happened and yes it hurts, and yes you're still scared, but you've still got so much in front of you and you can still press on through all those things you're feeling right now. I know it's shit to have someone say "yeah, just push through it" and I don't mean to sound like it's just that easy. It's not, and it's such a huge personal battle, but you do come through it. I'm not saying that one day you'll just wake up and be at ease and be ok with everything that happened either - you won't - but perhaps through time, through talking, through accepting the most horrible little details of what happened and accepting that they can't be changed - you might find that you don't feel so bad anymore, y'know? You want to just pull yourself together and do things with your boyfriend, but maybe instead of wishing and wishing for it, for the moment, accept that you can't. Right now you can't, for whatever reasons. Getting close with him and being with him this summer might help, though. Spending time with him, being romantic... stuff like that. Don't force yourself though, yeah? These feelings are here for a reason - acknowledging and accepting that right now, you just can't do anything sexual despite how much you'd like to for your boyfriend, might give you that time you need. I don't know. I wish I had all the answers. It sounds like I'm just telling you to wait things out, but as I said, this is such a huge personal struggle. You can seek help from a number of sources, and they can all help, but a lot of it comes down to time and yourself, too. I think it's just important to be aware of your feelings and do what you think is best for you at any given time.