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  LiveWire / My Forums / Viewing Story

My Blessed(?) Life
The following story was submitted anonymously on June 22, 2005.
The names have been changed to protect the author's privacy.

Usually when I tell people the different events of my life they are amazed or full of pity. I admit that I have experienced a lot of really bad stuff but somehow I have survived.

I am not sure where to start so I will just start from as early as I can remember. My father is an alcoholic and was physically and emotionally abusive towards my mother. My parents split-up heaps of time but my mum could never stay away from him for good.

On November the 12th 1994 (when I was 8) my sister was riding her bike with her friends and boyfriend when she was hit by a truck. She was 15 years old and died instantly. After that my dad had a total breakdown and moved out. Everyday he would drink until he passed out then when he woke up he would rink more. He didn't have a job, didn't bother eating or paying his rent. He remained like this until one day my mum picked him up and took him to a doctor. He was forced into a re-hab centre to dry out.

By the time I was twelve I had made plans to kill myself at least three times but for some reason I never went through with it.

My brother suffered from depression and when he left home to go to Uni he became addicted to the prescription drugs. He dropped out of Uni and we convinced him to come home so that we could help him. He had something wrong with his brain that made him get obsessed with things and he couldn't understand that something that made him feel good could be bad for him. He became obsessed with his medications and what they could do. He would take too many of them and mixing them to see what kind of effect they would have.

We told the doctors what he was doing and that they shouldn't prescribe him anything because he couldn't control himself. They didn't believe us.

Over the year he spent with us he did get better but he was still addicted and still needed help. The next year I planned to go to Uni and we decided that we would go to Uni together. He went to stay with our grandmother or a few weeks to organise things.

Then on the 22 of October 2003 he messed with his meds and died in his sleep. Some people thought it was suicide but the ambulance guys said if he did it on purpose he would have took everything he had. It shouldn't have been enough to kill him but for some reason it did.

He was my best friend.

When I went back to school all of my friends kept treating me weird. I guess they didn't know what to say. I started missing school all the time and when I was there it was like my brain wasn't working. As though I was sleep walking. He only thing I was ever good at was school and now I was failing in all of my subjects.

I was having anxiety attacks all the time and sometimes ended up in hospital because of them. I spoke to the school counsellor regularly but it was almost as if he was out of his depth and didn't know what to do for me.

I had a nervous breakdown and dropped out of school.

For months I woke up everyday thinking that I would rather slit my wrists than have to live my life for another day. Everyday was the same and I was hardly sleeping. Sometimes I would go days without sleep. Doctors kept trying to make me take medication but I refused. I was afraid the same thing that happened to my brother would happen to me.

Then something happened, I'm not sure what, and I was able to be almost fine for part of a day. Than over a long period of time I could last a few days at a time without being depressed and then it got so that I could be normal most of the time.

Now I'm 18 years old and I've started going to school again. It's a different school than before and most of the people don't know about my past. I'm still struggling a bit with school but I am passing.

I still have days when I get really depressed but I'm not suicidal anymore, and I don't have anxiety attacks.

My parents are separated but my dad lives really close. He still drinks though.

The only thing that kept me going is my mum. She was there when I needed her even though it must have been hard.

God definitely had a huge part in it; he was looking out for me and gave me amazing inner strength and peace. There is no way I would be alive without him.

A lot of other people go through bad stuff and fall apart because they don't have any support. It makes a huge difference.

"The Lord is my strength and my power and he maketh my way perfect." 2 Samuel 22:33

The person I am now is a happy person and I think the experiences I have had will take me to an amazing future.

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