I understand the circumstances that leads one to cutting, but can you help me understand why you cut? How does it make you feel better? I know I could research this on the internet, but I feel its better to learn firsthand from you that do this. I want to be able to help you in the future, but first I need to understand why you cut, why it is so popular.

Edit: Please help us, to help you. Post your stories of why you cut or self-injure. Also, keep it to serious replies only please. The Moderation Team will remove unecessary posts if needed. Thank you.

(Edited by wmudude at 1:20 am on Feb. 28, 2004)

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Beautiful.

i hope that has made you understand a lil more. i cant really explain it, its something you have to have been through to understand. if you want to ask anymore questions about it i would be happy to answer them for you.
my email is princess_purfect_69@yahoo.com.au


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The Worst Way To Miss Someone Is To Have Them Sitting Right Next To You And Knowing You Can Never Have Them

As for why I've cut myself, and how it makes me feel better... here's part of my story.  I doubt it has much in common with those of many others, but still.

For my whole life, up till about six years ago, I had what I would describe as a 'high on life'.  I mean.. sure, when I was little, I'd be sad and cry, or angry and throw stuff around... things like that.. but I was happy in a way I never realized until I lost it.  But another thing I had was a very short temper.  If someone pushed me just so far, I would feel as if I'd completely lost control.  It was like being in one of those dreams where you're trapped in a body that won't obey your commands.  That was just how I was.

A little over six years ago, I had a relationship with a girl that meant a lot to me.  The shorter version of that story is that, believing she was cheating on me, I went for almost a year straight in which I was angry and hateful all the time.  In my anger, I did all I could to put her down and make her feel horrible about herself.  As that schoolyear ended, I started feeling differently.

I didn't know exactly what had changed, or why.. just that something had.  I felt different.  Somehow, feeling bad for what I'd done to her, I chose to hurt myself and I caused my depression.  When I say I chose to hurt myself, incidentally, I'm not refering to something such as cutting.  I discovered, somehow, how to emotionally SI.  In place of the scars, burns, and blood, I tore myself up inside.

I'm still depressed as I have been all these years.  One reason I am is that I'm not entirely sure how to reverse what I did, or even if I can... and the other is that, if I could, I wouldn't.  Being constantly in pain slowed time, made me more aware of my surroundings, of people, of feelings, and gave to me a self-control I had never before possessed.  For me, that emotional pain became a control.

Yet one day, roughly 3 years ago, inexplicably, I felt that control start to slip.  I'd been thinking over what I was doing to myself a lot, and it was like I was finally 'letting go' of all that pain I'd been carrying around.  But I didn't want to.  I refused to allow myself to return to a state anything like what I'd been before, fearing both a loss of control, and moreso the hurt I knew I could do to others when that happened.  That's when I first reached for the knife.  I told myself that I was going to hurt, and continue hurting myself, until whatever part of me accepted that this was the way I wanted to be.. that this was my life and I had better fucking have a decision in such a matter; that I would not be ruled by some unconscious / subconscious decision of that type without my say.

A few times after that, I returned to SI whenever I felt my control start to slip.  But I stopped cutting soon after.

Then, this last summer, I went to a summer camp with some 'friends'.  I had agreed to go to it about the time of spring break.  Things changed between then and the time of the camp, but my parents had already payed for it, so without telling them a great many things I never would, there was no way they would let me back out.  I went, hoping it would turn out better than I expected.  During the week there, some things happened which hurt me a great deal and sparked an anger and hatred directed at both my former friends and myself.  I didn't want to take it out on anyone else, so I took it out on myself.  As I had 'learned' years before, I chose to hurt myself instead of others.

So.. as for why.. it serves to anchor me in the present if I feel my control slipping, it's a way of venting out how angry I am that I have yet to find a comparison to, and it accomplishes both of those things without hurting anyone but me.. so long as the majority of the people in my life remain blissfully unaware of my actions.

How does it make me feel better... another thing I learned, though I don't know where or how, is that I'm able to turn pain into anger, anger into hate, and direct that hate where I please.  I can do the reverse as well.  Whether that's something everyone has the ability to do or not, I wouldn't know.. I'm not in the habit of talking of this or asking people questions along these lines.  

For example, sometimes I feel a strong sense of hate for myself.  It can / could come from a variety of sources, but in this example, it's quite true to say that I can easily turn any of those emotions on myself.  Being able to hurt myself for what I view to be a fault on my part is much like I did before, only emotionally.  You draw the knife back, press it against your skin, and then pull it as quickly as you can across while maintaining pressure.  Whether purely because of the hurt I'm doing to myself, and how at some level I feel I deserve it, or whatever else, it provides a great sense of relief.  If I was angry, my anger is gone.  If my control was slipping, it's renewed.  And so on.

Hoping I haven't said too much.

(Edited by Whuppee at 3:48 am on Jan. 21, 2004)

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Unbelievably awesomesauce to the absurd degree that I wet myself.
Who else has created a LW/magnets
so explicit the mods deleted a screencap of it? =P

I strongly recommend reading "A Bright Red Scream: Self-Mutilation and the Language of Pain" by Marilee Strong.  It's got a lot of interviews with individual SIers, most of which echo and expand on what's already been said in this thread.  The only bad thing about it is that it's a bit heavy on the abuse theory, but it does recognize that abuse is not the only possible cause.  It's really a wonderful book for anyone who's trying to understand Self-Injury better.

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Self-Injury Information

Eating Disorders Information

Now, on to why I cut occasionally.......1) when someone is angry at me, whether I did something wrong or not, I feel guilty and begin to hate myself, cutting os a way of punishing myself for upsetting someone else.
2) There are times when I just want to see myself bleed, I have no idea why, I just do.  3) Finally, when I can't stop crying, and I feel as if I will never get better, cutting myself releases some chemical in my body that allows me to actually see my pain and not just feel it.  My brain interprets this message and helps me to calm down.

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*The world is overpopulated with the wrong kind of people.  The funny thing is that you don't realize you're one of them.
*cruel and unusual